Volunteering at The Boys Schools

Well, part of the reason I work only part time is to be able to spend time at the different schools to help for things that are needed.  I am not one of those Moms that are there every day (no time for that) or involved in every single thing.  I see those Moms, and I usually say hello, maybe make small talk, and keep walking.  "Ain't nobody got time fo dat",  as a wise lady once said (Sweet Brown).  I do however, have time to help for specific things, when it appears no one else is stepping forward, I do.  Or if it rings high on my interest scale, I do.  If the boys want me involved in a particular thing at school, I try to make time for it.  I am perfectly happy to do it.  Usually.  Until I regret it.

The Oldest is in 8th grade.  His school/PTA usually plans a big 8th Grade Celebration and I knew from the beginning that I wanted to be involved and help.  For lots of reasons, but mainly, because I just felt it.  Long story short, I am now involved.  Let's just say there is a lot of red tape involved with the schools and PTA.  If a person was only half hearted about wanting to help, by now, they would have said 'forget it'.  I'm not so half hearted; I'm pretty FULL hearted.  Though someone else would have walked away, here I am sticking in there and I JUST GOT INVOLVED a few days ago.  Already thinking, what in the world? Doesn't matter, I'm going through with it.  Donations and solicitations, here I come.

Some Mom's are Presidents and Vice Presidents of the PTA and they do other stuff on other committees too PLUS they work full time and have multiple kids.  Kudos to them!  I do not say that lightly.  I mean it.  Having said that, I know that it's not for me.  Can't do it.  I refuse to do that to myself.  I will help where I can and try to remain sane.  Too much going on in my brain.  I probably have helped out more than most, but certainly not more than some.  Make sense?

I've helped with Carnivals and run BookFairs and volunteered in classrooms more times that I can count.  I am on a first name basis with every child in the Littlest' classroom and know all of their personalities pretty well by now.  They are adorable and I have come to love them.  But I'm glad I'm only there one day a week for two hours.  Translation; I do what I can.  Could I do more?  Maybe.  But I like balance.  I have to find balance.  If I added more to my plate, I could not handle the imbalance.

So I'll deal with the red tape and do my little job with donations and try to help make the Oldests' 8th Grade Celebration (8GC) the best it can be in my own little way.  Not to mention I am working together with a friend on this subcommittee so there you go; even easier.  It is volunteering after all; we aren't getting paid to do it so I won't let myself get stressed over it.  Roll, roll, roll.  Rolling down the road of life.

Crossroads

I feel like I have been at a crossroads since 2008.  Well, really, probably, truthfully, since 2003, when he died, but that aside, and getting it together a little at a time, 2008 has been the year that seemed to have rocked our world the most, or since then, in my mind its been about 2008 when the market took a big giant tumble.  Then job loss.  Then another (mine) in 2011 and we got the wind knocked out of us a little more each time.  I wanted it to end with my previous employer.  Though I enjoyed many many good years there and the President of the company was in my mind, the fairest in the land, through my sunny filled shades, I could see dark clouds rolling in on the horizon.  Sometimes in certain relationships, there comes a time when two must part and part we did.  I needed that break from them.  Too much unhealthy micromanaging, intense demand (and I was part time so imagine the poor folks working full time) from above and a very unhealthy working relationship with my direct boss who had issues for miles, it was definitely time.  Still and yet, I was very sad to leave, even though I knew it was best, they were my family and I had been truly cut off before I left.  That was 2011.  Here we are in 2013 and still, every time my mind rests on 2008, I feel a dark sense about things.  It was the beginning of tough times and that is saying a lot as previous to that, it had gotten pretty dark.

Part of me thinks, wow, can't we get a break as a little family?  But then, I immediately realize two things; one, change your thinking NOW, its unhealthy,  and two, we are indeed very blessed and lucky in a myriad of ways despite all the challenges we have come across.  Maybe you truly don't know how strong you are till you have been tested.  And it's quite true that no one was ever promised a rose garden with no thorns.  How boring would that be and what would we learn about ourselves as people?  How would we grow if we had no obstacles to overcome?  Faith in God, whichever God you believe in (if you do) is a test in and of itself.  You SHOULD have doubt in your faith every once in a while, I feel it is normal and keeps you searching and yearning and for me, it has made me more steadfast.  I no longer believe prayer is the answer for everything.  When I hear someone say stuff like that I roll my eyes on the inside.  Oh, I believe in God with all I have, but I know for a fact, a true and honest fact, that prayer does not always work.  What I have learned as this more confident 42 year old is that prayer helps but our destinies are pre determined.  Our paths may seem happenstance, and at times coincidental, but I believe its all laid out before we are even born.  Which troubles me even more about Lucas --but I will leave that for another day.

When my mind somehow runs across that year in my wild daily thought processes, I suppose even if subconsciously it realizes that 2008 was a distinct hard turn in our path as a family, it was supposed to happen, all the challenges that came after, the tests of our relationships, our marriage, our beliefs, were meant to be.  I stood as strong as I knew how in the wild winds of it all.  Despite some who doubted me or could not believe my actions, I still stood as strong as I could and stayed true to my heart and what was right for ME.  We grew stronger because of it.  And now, as those little hurdles have died down a little, rear their heads now and again but have become a bit more tame, I realize, they were meant to be.  I was to feel tested, he was to feel tested, even though it was already determined what we would do, we couldn't know that at the time.

I am a true Gemini.  I am voiceful yet I am quiet.  I laugh and I cry all on the same line of emotion.  I am passionate yet I contain myself quite well.  I am both.  I think learning big lessons myself has given way to teaching to my children these huge lessons of life.  Be strong, even when you think you truly cannot.  Feel joy even when others around you are not.  Be kind, give love and exhibit self control in tough and easy situations.  If my boys can do those things, it matters not what they choose to do in this life, they will be successful.  I am so proud of them as I have set forth to teach them to be selfless and that you cannot have nearly everything (or sometimes anything) you want.  And that is ok.  I loathe to see a child throw a fit over material things.  -It's a sign that things are off balance; and I like to find balance in whatever I can.  Love yourself even when you do not like yourself for the moment.  I have lived that much I think, more than I care to admit.  Of course, I want 2013 to be a year that I can just snap my fingers and say 'Done, all better, we are in the middle of the perfect little rainbow' but that is unreasonable.  And besides maybe all these tough times and challenges have made me a better person.  I could never have let my mind rest on positive thinking or the possibility of it with out this precious book my Aunt D gave me several years ago.  I believe I have referred to it before; The Secret.  It was not an easy book to absorb.  I wrestled with it and the concept, putting it down and picking it up--wanting to understand the core subject of the book for a couple of months before reading it for the 15th time -letting it finally wash over me.  The light bulb moment and finally 'getting it' was so gratifying.  My life changed after that.  No, I'm not a millionare.  Not financially.  But emotionally?  I think I might be close.  I chose my path (of thinking) now.  I am in control of that.  And that, I can already see evidence in my boys, is resting on all of us like a sweet song of life.

2008.....it's there, its real, but it's history.  Living for the here and now....that is real.  Making each moment count in the history of our little family of four and beyond.  I set these things forth in writing so one day they can come and read it when they need a boost from their Mom or to know her thoughts on life and what was truly important.  Not the toys, or the clothes, or the money, but the way we have lived our lives.  What else is there at the end of it all?  Only love.  Love and faith.  Crossroads will come always-but keep your Faith and show your love and you will be served well.

Parenting in 2013..

This could literally be a book.  It's SO hard to be a parent. When I was a little girl, I remember thinking, 'when I grow up, I want to be a mamma.' In my little girl brain I wanted to have five kids and just be a mom.     Although I did not have five kids, I did have three and one is no longer here..so I have two.  Two is what it was supposed to be.  And two has been enough, these two boys have kept us contentedly busy in lots of ways.  Five?  If I think of five children, someone would have had to knock me silly a couple of times a week and send me a maid too.

As it is, we are happily happy with the four of us, yes, we miss Lucas, but its clear God meant it to be this way.  So having said that, we go on.  And we get busy and we do the best we can.  My husband and I are pretty on balance with how we parent, ways we think things should be done etc etc.  Of course, we don't agree on everything.  Would be no fun that way.  It's good to have two dissenting opinions, then you can find the balance of the two and hopefully the kids benefit from the middle ground.  Let's pray it makes them more open minded to know we had to 'meet in the middle' on stuff from time to time.  

However, the hardest part of parenting is knowing if what YOU BELIEVE is really right to teach them and what they need.  Yes, its easy to know what you think and do what you know....if that makes sense..but that is for YOU.  What about what is best for THEM?  We all know when they sent us home from the hospital there was no binder or how to books.  I remember driving home with the Oldest sitting in the back seat thinking, "Are they frickin' kidding me?  They're letting us TAKE THE BABY?"  Sheer panic set in and on that long drive home when my honey probably drove the slowest he's ever driven in his life, for fear of crashing with the baby in the car, I remember being in a daze.  Happy?  Yes.  Very happy.  But in a daze.  What in the world did we just do?  What just happened here? Oh yes, a lot just happened there.  We knew NOTHING!  But pretended we were in control.  I'm sure it was pretty hilarious.  

 ---Flash forward...along comes the Middlest, Lucas.  

This was me as we were taking Lucas home from the hospital.  We were a bit more seasoned by then..just a bit.  Life back then was fairly simple, the boys were little.  There were no terribly difficult decisions (yet).  It was pretty straightforward, feed them, make sure they get plenty of sleep, change their diapers, make sure they feel loved 24 hours a day.  

NOW.  They have grown.  There are bigger decisions.  There really are decisions and tough choices to be made.  Sometimes indignation even!  I pray pray pray we are doing things right.  We hold our ground on some of the things that their friends' parents don't.  It makes us the bad guys sometimes.  I'm OK with being the bad guy.  But will it be worth it?  Hard to tell.  Have to go with your gut.  And pray.  A lot.  

Everything is so fast forward.  Kids with iPhones.  Kids with iPads doing and interacting in ways we could never have imagined when we were little.  Kids in 6th, 7th and 8th grade having boyfriend/girlfriend relationships.  Violence in the media, violent video games, provocative imagines flying at them in warp speed on the main channels of TV, it's too much to absorb for an ADULT sometimes, let alone a child.  How can they process it all and be expected to make fully informed decisions?  There's no way, and I'm not trying to take away anything from them, as they are very smart!

It takes a village.  And lots of attention from us as the parents!  I can't even imagine how it will be for OUR BOYS to parent when its their time.  What will it be like then?  Futuristic parenting...I wouldn't even want to begin to guess what a futuristic world will be like with regard to parenting.

All I know is, we are doing our best and we love them.  At the end of the day, I pray that shines through more than anything else.  Any of the 'no's they will hear or disappointments they may have....I hope they hear, feel, and see how much we love them more than any of that other stuff.  Our society is throwing so much at them on a daily basis, they have to be smart to navigate it all.  And us parents?  We have to be SMARTER.  Maybe that's the takeaway.  Gotta be smart.  

Grateful Heart

When I think of my life..and all that it has encompassed, I think I have been very blessed.  I am sitting here in the same room with the boys who are arm wrestling with smiles on their faces.  13 and 7.  I think their love for each other will always be there.  Makes it all worth it.  They are making me laugh as they are having a sour candy contest and their faces are all sucked in as they say 'I can take it' and the Littlest is now spitting it out saying, 'this is gonna kill me!' and I'm cracking up.  The Oldest is giving him sound (not so) advice and saying, "just don't swallow the spit, get past the sour layer!" and the Littlest is not buying it.  The Oldest' face is contorted and his cheekbones are very pronounced as he tries to pretend the candy is not sour.  Oh they slay me, I love their antics....

We have a wonderful roof over our heads.  We are very blessed to have that.  We have worked hard for it and we have sacrificed a LOT to keep it that way.  We don't buy things on a whim, we don't do grand improvements to our home just because we want them; things that we improve are definitely NEEDED, not just wanted.  -We have made it through some very tough times but here we are.  Not by luck, but by smarts, hard work and stick-to-it-iv-ness.  By our fingernails sometimes.  But all for these boys.

With losing your child, your entire Universe is altered permanently, first, very starkly, then in smoother ways, like a pebble being smoothed by the waves of the unending crashing ocean (which I've often compared grieving to).  It ultimately comes to just a knowledge, a knowing, a certain intangible thing that is just added to your life that makes you love harder, laugh louder, hug a little more, and become more protective.  That last one, well, that's probably putting it lightly.  Protective.  You could say that.

But beyond that, the normal ups and downs of life are made sweeter by love.  The love I feel for what I work for--our boys--my boys--it fuels everything I do.  I'm not unlike other moms in that way. I know we all are driven for the same things.  I get it.  ~I feel that common driving factor is enunciated in our lives by Lucas and his absence.  So for ME, its magnified.  How I feel life, look at life, appreciate life and protect it.

So in sitting back and listening to the boys banter about silly things and get along and laugh (and fight) and laugh some more...I KNOW how blessed we are.  You could never take that away from me; that knowledge.  It's infused in how I wake up in the morning, when my feet hit the floor each morning, I feel gratitude, it might be groggy gratitude, I might be stumbling to the bathroom with my gratitude..and I will hold my pee until I brush my teeth (gotta do that first you know) with my thanks rolling through my brain and no matter how hokey it sounds, its the truth.....and I pray it makes me a better person.  Sometimes it is not easy you know!  I could easily be bitter and stay that way.   I know people like that.  -Not interested.  That would be so easy!  It would be easier to feel that way and be down about what we don't have!  You have to work at gratitude sometimes you know....

At the beginning of 2013, I enter it with a grateful heart.  Despite the downs and because of the downs but mostly, because of the ups.  We have had many.  And we are still here, still standing, and still a close family BECAUSE of it all.  

-Jenn

New Year

It's the beginning of a new year.  I refuse to make resolutions.  Well, maybe one.  Time to be a better example for the boys in my relationship with God.  That is easy.  Just need to go back home.  Where I am supposed to be.  I'm there in my heart so I'm comfortable with that; but the boys cannot visually see that.  So-that's a given.

Other than that, no resolutions.  Continue with my same theme, keep it as simple as I can, be kind in every situation possible, hold my tongue more, and love harder than I think I can.

There are too many people in this world.  It's too crazy, too much chaos, its almost too much to take in some times and you just have to block it all out. I think one day it will all just come crashing down. I hope it does not, but it seems somewhat inevitable.

This year will bring improvements and success.  Not just materialistically but emotionally.  Definitely that.  That is my focus.  The boys, and improvements.  Whatever else comes will be icing on the cake.

Life, Living, Buying Gold, Laughing, and Having Fun...

So much going on, lots of things I can write about, but short on time... finding out that being a Gold Buying Girl is super rewarding in many ways, finding out that if I let go of my preconceived notions of exactly what life is supposed to be, its more fun that way and finding out that I'm more relaxed than I have ever been in a long time. Do things stress me out anymore?  Sure they do, but not like before.  Its normal things that come up but I no longer fixate on them for long.  I try to munch on it for a while then move on.  I might have more time on my hands than I've had in a long time, but I'm ok with that.  In fact, it's decidedly more enjoyable that way.  I like that I don't have 40,000 things on my plate at once.  Life is too short!!!

Buying gold from people is the most unexpected fun I never thought I'd have!  Who knew?  Who knew.....  but I'm an open girl, open to making money for others and along the way, myself and my family.  Just kind of works!

Life comes in phases and chapters and its been said that even friendships have seasons which are like chapters.  Yes, that is true.  We meet people, they come and go and maybe they come again, but its all for a reason, and those reasons will reveal themselves in time.  -When I think of all the stuff we've been through and overcome, I think life is getting just about right now....it will never be perfect but isn't that the fun of it?  I think so.  I really do.  What fun would there be if everything were perfect?  No challenges, no hurdles to overcome,  no mountains to climb?  No, I like it this way.

I haven't laughed a big belly hearty laugh though in a long long time.  Probably about a year now....but that will come again.  I have faith.  And if I didn't have that.....well, I'd be a bigger mess than I am even now today!

Faith.  Abiding faith in this life that living, loving, laughing, and having fun is a choice we make.  I choose not to drown in negativity, instead to rise above when I can and take life with a grain of salt and a calm smile.  Well, maybe in a perfect world, it sounds good...but you know, that is the goal anyway!!!

Merry Christmas!

Our Anniversary

My honey and I have an anniversary coming up; we will have been married for 17 years.  Man living it with him seems like a long time, but in hearing it, sounds like we are only babies.  Life is crazy.  I'm glad I have him in mine or who knows where I'd be, who I'd be, or who I'd be with.  Would I be happy?  Sad?  Stressed all the time?  I'm glad it's him.  Such a calming force in my life.  It rubs off, you know?  Excellent influence.

I want us to do something nice and romantic.  Of course, I do, every bone in my body is romantic!  :)  I'm that kind of girl.  He forgets that sometimes.  I don't want to remind him because then its not the same.  He can't win. Well, if he remembered on his own, he'd win.  Winning!

Wonder what we'll do?  17 years...  on our 20th, it WILL be something special.  Somewhere destinationy.

That's what I say........................................................till death do us part...

Clean House...Only Lasts So Long

• Sometimes the house is cleaner because I can't take it anymore.
• Sometimes its because I have too much on my mind and I feel utterly overwhelmed and its the most natural thing to do to procrastinate on the other stuff
• Sometimes its because I'm avoiding..........yah, that's pretty much like the second bullet, but more direct.  

Whatever the reason, its a known fact that a super clean house only lasts so long.  Like, an hour.  If that.  Literally, I'm not even close to exaggerating that.  It drives me .  Nuts I tell you.  Bonkers.  Does no one care?  Only me?  If I had a daughter, would she care?  Is it a boy thing?  Or a they think I'm the maid thing.  I personally think it's the latter.  So then I go about proving it to them and leaving it looking like hell.  Then after a chunk of time, while I'm spinning, spewing, and chewing on it all in my brain quietly pretending like I don't notice, shooting them all looks of you know what, I lose it and bam!  I cave.  In no time.  What was the point?  Is it just me?  

Ahhhhhhh.........................  if I weren't here, I wonder what this place would look like.....not like this I can tell you....

sigh...............................................

Why Ya Gotta Be So Mean?

Why are some people just naturally mean?  I guess they are how they were raised?  Or the environment they were in at some point?  Negative energy suckers.  Gotta shake it off.

Forgive your enemies; nothing incenses them more.

Crazy lady in the car waving her hands wildly because she thought I was driving too slow (45 was the speed limit and I was going 50).....mean people who comment horribly on our YouTube videos....man who cut me off this morning in the parking lot killing himself to get this one spot when there was one empty one two slots down (we both had one for each car, no worries man, chill out!), people who pretend they care but secretly trying to do better than you in every situation.....

I just walk taller, pretend I don't notice and go about my business.  It does get to you after awhile tough...

Gotta shake it off.

Why ya gotta be so mean?  Ala Taylor Swift....

-J

Time..Like a Whisper In Your Ear....

These are the days of our lives flashing by at warp speed but yet whispering in our ears quietly as it wisps by. If you don't stop and truly take a look at all that is going on, really absorb it, suddenly our kids are older and just like that, it's gone.  My life has been in phases, that's normal, whose life isn't in phases?  But chunked very clearly..  I want it all to mean something, to matter and to have been so worth the ride.  I think it will.  I am always thinking about how our boys will be as adults and then as parents.  That's how I parent, teaching for the ultimate thing; giving back to our world and to be loving, kind individuals because that is how they will parent too.  At least, that is the hope.

I have become of all things a gold buyer kind of part time independent consultant type thing.  Nothing to fully depend on, but helps in between.  It's been interesting and fun and absolutely brought me out of my shell even more.  Kudos for that and to all there is a reason, time, and season.  I am enjoying fully the people aspect of it and love paying folks for their old stuff because I'm telling you, in this economy, EVERYONE is hurting.  I get the joy of making people's day/s.  I would never ever have dreamed to be doing this one year ago but life does take us on twists and turns in the blink of an eye.  That, we can all say.

I've started a new site on Facebook called The Hampton Roads Trading Post.  Trying to create a venue for folks to sell/buy/trade as the aforementioned economy is spiraling and why not recycle and reuse when we can?  Doing BookFair at the Elementary School again, turning into more fun and excitement than I once thought.  Great for the kids at school, great to take something and make it work as a group, great to give back.

Lucas' birthday was this past Saturday.  He would have been nine years old.  I think in Heaven he's still a baby but part of me wonders if God doesn't let the little babies who leave our world grow up in Heaven so they can fulfill the potential they had here on Earth.  So that leads me on the wondering path...what does he look like now?  What is his personality, besides angelic?  Suddenly, I am thinking of getting the courage to upload the video of Lucas I had made for Ivan up to YouTube to maybe preserve it.  We'll see if I'm brave enough.  Just thinking of that video has me in tears now as I write, so I'm not sure there is strength in me to do that.  If so, I may link it here.

The boys.  They are my everything.  I love them so very much.  Ivan is the culmination of a strong, loving, selfless, man.  I cherish his presence in my life every day.  Every morning I bother him (well you know) with all my dreams I had the night before, all the thoughts rambling through my brain, all the love I feel for him, everything.  I do it every morning.  I likely drive him insane.  I don't care.  I want him to know how I feel and never have a doubt.  -The Oldest makes us proud and he's hilarious with his antics and humor.  He barely has to apply himself but for one class at school and while that makes me proud, it also maddens me. He is phenomenal with his trumpet too.  Already planning for the next Variety Show and what to sing this next March.  The Littlest, he's doing very well.  Math seems to be a breeze for him and he's reading above his grade level, seems to be taking it all in stride as a little first grader.  It's all about whether or not he "flipped his stick" that day.  Only happened twice so far this year, I'm sure there will be more "flipping" he's too impish for that not to happen.  :)  Both filled with utter personality and while they have their battles, I'm comforted in their friendship and love for one another even though six years apart.  I know they will forever have each other and that is a fantastic feeling.  As we know this big bad world sometimes has other plans for things so to see them get along fairly well and defend each other, rescue each other, play together, fight, yell, get through it, and do it all over again?  Melts my heart everyday.    The Oldest.  The Middlest.  The Littlest.  I don't know who I'd be if we never had them, met them, loved them, and taught them.  I really don't.  So I'm thankful for them and for a lot in my life.  Whether we have a house, don't have a house, have all the material things, the things I dream of, or don't have them, we have each other.  It sounds so trite and so coined, but nothing could be more true.  Material things, sure you can have everything but where would you put it all?  At some point, a house looks overwhelming with all of it.  I strive for simplicity, enjoyment, and love.  At the end of the day, those things, and your belief in God are all that truly matter.  Enough said.

Signed-
Thankful
Jenn

I'll take it...

Someone told me they thought I was 30 today.  Now THAT is a compliment I'll take.  :)  Given that I'm 41 and every day of it, I'll take that wonderful compliment.  Try to dress nice, look put together, try to have my hair done, and always smile if I can.  It matters!

Made my entire day!  Yay!

:)

J

It's Been a Long Time..

My last entry was in March; that blows my mind!!!  So much has happened since then.  Life is so different and thank God that it is.  I knew I was extremely unhappy at work, much thanks to a certain individual, but did not realize how tremendously sad I was there.  They wanted me to either be full time again or be done and the rest is history as my "position was eliminated" which they quickly reinstated after I left.  Too much micromanaging, the company politics were so thick, the expectations for those poor teams is so unrealistic, I am so utterly thankful I'm no longer there with that negative force I worked directly with.  Nothing could be more freeing than no longer being there.  Just simply not being there has made me healhy again.  No one seemed to care that the teams and myself were being bullied contstantly, about decisions, choices, our weight of all things, what we should eat and not eat, how someone worked out 10 times a week or not and why weren't we doing the same etc etc it got very very old.  I have shed that old skin and can breathe again, looking in the mirror seeing the me that I really am, happier and mentally healthier, not laden down with that individual and her insane search for something she will never find both personally or professionally.  I took on responsibility for that for way way too long.  My shoulders are so much lighter!

It's summer now and the boys are growing at incredible rates.  The Oldest is almost exactly as tall as me, less one inch I believe.  As he approaches 7th grade, he is looking more like a young man than ever before.  To say I am proud, that we are proud, that is an understatment.  He finished this past year with all A's but for one lone B in English the first quarter of the year.  With the exception of that, the rest of his 6th grade year was filled with straight A's.  His SOL's were impressive.  He took three tests, two of them were perfect scores @ 600's and the third test (English/Reading) he missed two questions, getting a 585.  He had a very successful year.  Additionally, this was his first year playing the Trumpet and he did very well, won a scholarship that he applied for getting free lessons with a private instructor, being awarded for several things in band this year, he wrapped up nicely and worked hard.  He has gotten praise and kudos from us to the nth degree.  Hard work pays off.  And he's learning that by cutting grass for different folks in the neighborhood.  Earning his own money and learning to save by putting it in savings vs. spending it the second he gets it.  Don't think this is his favorite concept, but really, who loves that anyway?  We'd all like to spend as soon as we are handed money.  But that is not realistic and we'd be left with nothing, no savings if we behaved like that.  The minute a rainy day comes, we're toast.  So teach them now is our motto, be responsible with your money.  He gets to spend a portion but the bulk goes into savings.  The Oldest is growing up nicely right before our eyes. 

The Littlest amazes us.  He is super smart, reads like a little pro and has for a while now, athletic and swims like a fish.  He can do anything he sets his mind to and he's pretty stubborn too.  We love the questions he asks, it shows he is always thinking on his toes.  Maturing nicely for his age, he did well in Kindergarten.  His report cards always came home with all S's and postive comments.  He has high expecations for himself and always was very interested in his report card, expecting those S's of himself.  Too cute.  I think it's good because it's setting him up to have those same kind of expecations as he gets in the higher grades.  At the end of the year, on the last day he said to me, "Oh yah, I'm done with Kindergarten and going into First Grade, lviin' the dream baby!" and I about fell out of my pants.  He is a hoot.  The thing with him, he lives out loud, always going full force, such a strong force of a child.  A ball of energy in all that he does.  It amazes me each night as we do bed time routine and he is snuggling in his bed while we say our prayers, then and only then do the yawns come out, then and only then does he close his eyes.  It's almost immediate; the sheet/blanket go over his little back and the prayers start and he's down for the count.  While we read, when he's showering, getting jamified, he's still full force wide awake.  His shutting down comes fast, it's like a switch.  I marvel at him all the time.  There's only one Littlest.  He does is well.

As I venture into my new path with The Gold Refinery I am more than excited.  I have gotten off to a fantastic start and I will strive for leadership and management which are the core of me anyway and how I'm driven.  It's all a perfect blend for what I need in my life right now; time with the boys, excellent money, the things that drive me and fulfill me (leadership and management), positivity (this company THRIVES off of it and I have never felt more at peace with a decision and where I am in this world career wise), and flexibility.  This is the start of something really really great.  I have had several succesfful parties and am spreading how much we can help others as I go.  Actually, we are both really excited for what this will bring to our family.  Rome wasn't built in a day but I've made a little progress so far, so it's coming along nicely.

I will check in again soon with some wacky story which seem to make up our fun days, orjust a simple update. 

-Jenn

Pondering the Next Thing..

If we weren't in this particular financial situation, I truly think I would be taking the leap with my core dream and idea and opening my own party place for kids.  I hear about people who started their business with only a few dollars and made it happen.  I think I'm too practical for that.  Is that just my excuse?  I don't know.  I don't think it is, but maybe I'm not being honest with myself.  We have two boys.  A house.  Bills.  Bills.  Did I say bills?  So how, with all those things in mind, can I put all of that in jeopardy?

I always advise everyone to go for it and here I am dilly dallying with my life. 

-me

Part 2 of "Friends of Mine"

I think it's worth it to say these things, for my own sanity if nothing else.  To say it and let it go and move on.  As you well know, this is my coping mechanism, writing is like my medicine for those broken things in the soul that others fret and fret with, not knowing how to let it heal or accept and move on.  This helps me tremendously.  I am so grateful God has given me writing as an outlet, and even more grateful that I have long discovered what is does for me and how it soothes sometimes the deep pains of life.

When someone says things to you that are meant to squash you like a bug and shut you down, particularly in front of others, it is very hurtful.  When it happens over and over again, continuously, over years of time, you begin to realize that person is not healthy; not healthy themselves and certainly not healthy for you.  When someone constantly questions even the very food you eat, openly in front of others, much less a group of professional peers, how you say something, or how you have come to a conclusion, how you think, you begin to realize you are being bullied.  Everyone involved with this person most especially in the professional environment is absolutely being bullied.  It's not healthy.  It's degrading and depressing to be around this person.  Makes you feel less than.  But that is the power of the bully.  The workplace bully.  Everyone thinks it.  Every single person in the room thinks it but none are brave enough to say it, for fear of their figurative heads being ripped off.  You can't make a facial expression showing your feelings as right then and there, you will be questioned rudely, on the spot, in front of all, or alone, it matters not to this person.  This person is so self conscious and so insecure, they are paranoid, and every movement, body language of anyone around them is immediately questioned and put on display for all to see, regardless of the meaning behind your expression.
 
Back in early fall this person openly questioned the fact that I "blog".  Her hurtful, mean, and direct words were "Why do you blog?  What for?  You know they say blogging is out, right?"  On the spot I knew this person never knew me at all.  And cared more about what others say than what is good for her supposed friend.  She clearly never knew me, or what drives me, clearly does not get who I am.  I don't care what others think.  If blogging is out or in or in between, I have written here for years on end because my soul NEEDS it.  I didn't know what to say.  Stunned.  Yet I had to continue and put on the smiley face as we were on a professional trip.  Pretend, pretend, pretend.
 
On many occasions she openly questions the food I eat, "how can you even put that in your mouth?" (referring to white bread for example) she has said.  Never holding back.  Or openly gagging when someone around her is eating something she does not approve of.  Openly commenting on others choice of food constantly.  Thinking she has the right to question me or anyone else, the right to say what we do or don't do.  Always with the pretense that "she cares".  Caring is accepting.  She has never gotten that memo.  I have NEVER EVER questioned the fact that she smokes.  I have never launched a no smoking campaign as she has several times forced all of us at work to participate in weight loss campaigns.  The hipocracy of it all is that many of those same folks all smoke.  It's laughable.  Well, no, it's hurtful, then laughable.  Its hurtful because she forces every single person around her, including me, to be people we are not.  It's laughable because it's so hypocritical.  They are damaging their bodies just as much as someone who is overweight, if not more because it involves the lungs then the heart.  All I've ever done is accept her for everything she is, but I have never been good enough.  She has to fix me.  She has to fix everyone around her.  But she is so broken.  So very broken.  So she sets about fixing everyone else because she has no idea how to fix herself.  It's sad really.  She walks around this world doing, giving, pretending.  But all the while, you better thank her in two seconds or if you don't, she calls you out on it immediately, "you don't seem very thankful for what I've just done for you"  she's been known to say.  Many many comments to me about who didn't thank her at all or quickly enough.  All just a show.  Everything is a show.  -We are all constantly forced to listen to how often a day or week she works out, forced to listen to her go on and on openly and loudly to all who will listen (those who have to do that you often wonder, what they are covering up).  Once she starts talking about it, everyone goes quiet.  I go quiet.  Take a hint.  No one cares!  She thinks she is a fitness coach but she never sticks to it.  I think she could be that if she wanted to, but since she has made no move to do so, then why still talk about it like you ARE a fitness coach and make everyone around you miserable?  Hypocritical.  You can't force your supposed life style on others.  ESPECIALLY in a professional setting.  So astoundingly unprofessional.  Unbelievable. 
 
She recently openly, in front of a group of peers, questioned me on something very personal.  With no hesitation, and she was not even the least bit sorry afterwards.  She questioned me on a friendship I might or might not have had saying, "Are you still talking to her?  I think you are the only one left who is still talking to her?  Are you two friends? "  and as per the norm, I felt very backed into a corner, knowing I was in front of a group of professional peers and not wanting to display anything personal whatsoever, I threw my hands in the air to try to neutralize the situation and she pushed once more saying, "Are you?" and I finally said (thouroughly embarrassed at this point), "I'm struggling with that" not wanting to answer and becoming angrier by the second but knowing I was being bullied and could do nothing about it.  She said in answer to that, "I don't know why you would be struggling with THAT." and as I looked down at the table we were all sitting at, I was utterly humiliated, angry and done.  Absolutely done.  How unprofessional.  How utterly absolutely unprofessional.  That was the last shred of a straw that our friendship had hung on.  I never said anything to her.  In my mind, it was a quiet parting of the ways right at that very moment. 

In that same meeting she happily called another poor individual out and cheerfully told a story about how the person wanted to go get a latte and asked if she wanted one too.  She proudly told the whole room how she did not think that person needed a latte and in the end, the person ended up not getting one because of how she was made to feel about consuming it.  She was openly made fun of and the whole time I thought, my God, how absolutely humiliating for her and I recognized in the person's face what I was feeling, a smile plastered on the face to cover the embarrassment.  Right there in front of the whole group, no one was safe.  No one is ever really safe around her, not really.

In that setting, I can never win, I can never (and have never been able to) say what I think about how she treats me and others.  We are bullied constantly.  And furthermore, I strongly believe that I have been a victim of weight harrassment at work.  Never have I complained.  I have stood and taken it all.  I needed my job.  I needed that income for my family.  It would never be a win/win there because she has resented me and it would never have ended well. 

If the others at work were questioned, by her or anyone else, they would never admit to these things, or agreeing to them because they are all SCARED.  Just like I had been.  Scared and need their jobs too much.  Better to remain silent and just take it.  I have been a passive witness for a long time and shame on me.  Shame on me for not speaking up for others along the way.  Shame on me for not standing up for myself after all this time. 
 
This is a person I called friend.  And to watch her hurt others time and time and time again, I still stood there, never judging.  Never, not once.  The same could not be said on the reverse. 

The lessons of life.  Sometimes they are huge, big.  This one has been a doozy.  It has afforded me the opportunity to take a step back and really take stock in the true friends I have.  The ones who NEVER judge me, always love me for who I am, and accept me and my children for who we are, not how we look.

I have learned that she has actually openly discussed me in a personal way with people from work.  She thinks they don't tell.  It's funny really.  Funny because people at work talk to me much more than she thinks.  She has no idea.  And I've never divulged that to anyone, never used that ever, against anyone.  What is told to me stays with me.  I can hold my head high in all of this and this lesson has been invaluable. 

At one point, I was upset with myself because I let this person in my life.  But now I am realizing that it all happened for a reason.  I have learned so much about myself because of this.  I will continue to hold my head high and that person will get whatever she does or does not deserve based on how she has treated others.  That person cannot hold her head high and that is a direct result of how she treats others. 

How things end are already pre written and I am perfectly wonderfully happy and content with it all.  I have behaved well.  That is all I can control.  I will still trust others and let them into my life, but I will trust my gut instinct better next time.  As the chapter and book of this friendship has ended, I have begun a new fresher one where I am healthy and happier.  Not bogged down with worry over what I say or how I look.  I am happy to be me and I find that confidence in myself and in God.  All the other stuff, the bad stuff I have been put through, happened for a reason.  It has made me a better person.  I believe that with all my heart and soul.

Jenn

Friends of Mine

At the age of 40, I am left wondering, what is a friend?  I think I know, I mean, good gracious, everyone knows what a friend is, right?  I posted something three years ago and now I have the answer to my questions, or most of them.  It's sad.  I'm very very sad.  Maybe it was as plain as the writing on the wall.  Maybe I should have followed my instincts and it cannot end well now.

This person has hurt me so many times, time and time again, yet I care for them still.  Maybe I always will.  Maybe it's a sad farewell to something that means a lot to me.  And that is life, hello's and goodbye's.  Seasons of friendships, comings and goings.  I've pretty much accepted it now and I will not stoop to that level, so I hold my tongue continually and pray.  We are very damaged for all we've been through and it would take a lot to repair it.  I'm not certain, I'm just not certain it ever will be repaired.  I can tell that there is hurt on both sides but it's quietly just done now.  Probably best in the end, we can't keep this up, at least my heart can't keep it up anymore.  The trust is gone and once that happens, it's time to move forward and leave everything behind. 

-On the other hand, I do have some very close friends who are fabulous and I am lucky to have in my life.  I will cherish those wonderful people with all I have.  I count myself blessed and lucky to have them.  They know who they are and I love them with all my heart.  I love fully, that's how I am.  I am open when I care for someone because life has taught me to be that way.  So with my heart so fully out in the open, it's bound to get a nick or two, or a slice or two now and then. 

To everything there is a season and just like the wind rustling in the trees as Summer fades to Fall, so has this cherished friendship done the same.  I am always learning lessons in this life.  In my favorite thing I love to say, 'as it should be...as it should be'. 

Jenn

Freedom of Speech

We are such a free nation of thinkers, aren't we?  I display it here on my blog.  It's displayed on the television, radio, Facebook, Twitter, to give a few examples.  I myself take part in all of those, so I, along with millions and millions of other Americans get to utilize freedom of speech without many repercussions.  I am thankful to have these freedoms and I know full well that there are many military personnel who protect those rights for me, for all of us, daily.  It's a full circle and everything is so intrinsically connected. 


Here are my thoughts on the recent tragedy in Tuscon, AZ, with the shootings of all of those innocent people.  Certainly, it almost goes without saying, that the individual who shot those folks is fully to blame.  He brought the gun, it seems he had it planned out and had in some sense been following Representative Gabrielle Giffords and obviously, he alone shot her and all the others, including the young nine year old girl, Christina Taylor Green.  He will be tried and likely found guilty of what is obviously one of the most senseless crimes imaginable in a country such as ours, killing others irrationally, without remorse.  Clearly, he is an individual who is sick, off balance, and not centered in reality.  


Many in the media have raised the issue and tried to make some correlation between his rantings and actions and Sarah Palin, or others like her.  While there can't and should be a direct connection between the two, it certainly raises a good point of conversation.  Just because we CAN say something doesn't mean we SHOULD say something.  In other words, yes, we have freedom of speech and we can express ourselves fully without legal backlash in this country, but should we as a country go to that line and have our comments, thoughts, and opinions be edgy, racy, out there, pushed to the limit every time?  In this political climate and given all that this country is so divided over, shouldn't ALL politicians, Democrat, Republican, Independent, shouldn't WE all, conduct ourselves with a modicum of respect?  Even if you are pitted against someone, face to face who you very strongly disagree with?  If our country does not get itself together, if the media doesn't stop inciting verbal violence in an onslaught of constant instigation for every horrible thing, every tiny bad thought said by that guy and this guy and those guys, the path we are on will be a difficult one to retreat. 


The guy who just created havoc on many many lives is someone who by all accounts thus far has needed help for a long time-an off center violent individual.  When someone like that hears all the rhetoric from folks who throw around words and phrases like "don't retreat! reload!" or put cross hairs on their political website over certain areas of the map of the United States, maybe that sends him off the edge.  Did that happen in this case?  Maybe no.  Maybe so.  We likely will never know but I don't think it's super far fetched to generalize that the mood of this country, so ultra divided and so ultra hyped up against those that don't agree with us politically, is not helped by those type of remarks and actions.  We are not nice to one another when it comes to politics.  If we are in a conversation with someone who does not agree with us politically, things get tense quickly and whether it be on Facebook, email, or in person, it gets ugly quickly.  Why?  How can we get anywhere when we are busy thinking the other is stupid or ignorant?  How can we open our minds and learn from one another if it's not done with consideration, kindness, and some level of caring when discussing really tough things?  It's spirals downward so very quickly and its sad.  We have to move away from this and find better ways to communicate as a country, don't you think? 


This recent event from Saturday is a real eye opener.  If we cannot learn from this, learn that maybe, just maybe, we can still be productive and forward thinking without all this hurtful slinging of negative rhetoric.  As a country, I know that we are smarter than all of that.  We have to be smarter than that don't we?  We are blessed and privileged enough to live in this great country and I hope and pray we can all start behaving more nicely.  Let's give the kids of today a better example and role model.  It starts with us.  One person at a time.  We can make a difference, can't we?


I send all my love and prayers to the parents of Christina Green.  They have a very difficult road ahead of them, I know that very well. 

Cycles

Seems I've been going through cycles over the past year/year and a half where I don't write for a long time and then I write a ton and then I go quiet again.  Given how good writing makes me feel, I need to carve more time and make it happen!

Watch me this year as I make lots of other things happen.  It's January and I have a fresh perspective.  No one is going to do anything for me and I have only myself to look to when it's time to get it all done.  So, I'm ready. 

I can promise three big changes this year.  THREE.  As I hit each one and make it happen, I will document all of it here.  Since it's a Balancing Act, I will endeavor to balance and do what I do best; MAKE IT HAPPEN. 

There it is.  There you have it.  It will be done.

Racoons?

So what animal is known to pick through trash?  Be smart enough to lift a lid and not leave a big mess showing how it got in the trash can?  Not wild trash thrown everywhere, simply remnants that it was there?

My honey calls me outside on the back deck and says, "How do you think these things are getting here?"  I'm not sure what he's talking about and he points out a paper plate and a shish kabob stick sitting on the deck box next to the SunCast outdoors trash can.  It's plain as day that there are oil stains, cake remnants, a paper plate upside down and that shish kabob stick left out beside the trash can.  I immediately think 'racoon!'.  So I say I think it's a raccoon and he is doubtful.  But how?  Well I'm pretty sure I've heard that raccoons are smart.  And with their perfect tiny little arms and hands they can get to whatever they want.  I can totally imagine a raccoon getting in the trash, digging down for what seems good to him and pulling it out.  He's just not the perfect guest in that he leaves his trash behind and doesn't clean up after himself.  So as my honey is standing there looking very puzzled and freaked out, I say calmly to him, "Baby, I didn't want to tell  you this (and now he is standing there staring at me hanging on my every word) but (and I pause) I have been sneaking out here on the deck in the middle of the night when everyone is asleep and digging through the trash eating whatever I could find.  I haven't wanted to tell anyone because it's kind of embarrassing but now you know." and he just stares at me.  Then he grins.  Next he says, "Why didn't you tell me, you need to stop that you know." and we both just laugh.

Regardless, the racoon (or whatever IT is) is being locked out of the trash.  We'll see tomorrow if the locking idea works.  We shall see.  To be continued.....

Those darn rascally creatures....

Summer Lazy Days Are Coming To An End....

Well, not LAZY exactly, but you know.  I sometimes think we are BUSIER in the summer but there's still an air of laid back, fun loving, spontaneous moments in the summer.  And there's the water; whether beach or pool, and that sometimes is the most relaxing best part to me.  So, no, not lazy, but go at your own pace maybe. 

Three or so weeks before school starts and I can feel the countdown beginning.  Soon to get the kids back on a night time routine, getting to bed on time, no distractions, getting serious again.  Maybe that brings everything back into sharp focus.  Have to be on time, soccer starts up, and I think the Littlest will get to play this season.  I know he'll tear it up on the field.  Lord that child scares me sometimes.  All of that ahead and more.  The Oldest will get settled into a new school and so will the Littlest.  I cherish these days yet I dread them as well.  Funny how it's all diametrically opposed, you know?

I promised to take us all to the OuterBanks for a beach day.  We'll get up early and go, hopefully be gone all day.  Do whatever we want.  Probably bring Harley too.  Just go.  Go, drive, laugh, sing, swim, eat on the beach, bring a big cooler and hit the road.  I bet we come home with some tired kids.  One I know will fall asleep.  He doesn't usually fall asleep in the car but with all that fresh air, playing in the waves, and decent drive, he'll be tuckered out.  No doubt.

Summer is my fav, but you know, so are the Holidays.  Guess I like this life, no matter the season. 

“The cure for anything is salt water - sweat, tears, or the sea.”
--Isak Dinesen

Good For a Laugh

It's been a while since I posted anything funny.  Here's something that made me chuckle and size up life in one second, what goes around, comes around.             

                                                                                                                                           

When I was in high school, I was a sassy so and so to my tennis coach.  Oddly she was my favorite teacher (and coach) but I still gave her a run for her money.  I'm not sure why that is, but there you have it, I wasn't the most well behaved teenager on that tennis team.  One time, we were all playing around at practice, instead of focusing and giving it our all.  She got upset and gave us a warning.  We continued screwing around and some of us even started laughing (I would string up the Oldest by his TOES if he behaved this way).  She had enough and called us in for a group talk and she wasn't happy.  She was fussing about my back hand, fussing about someone not moving their feet, and then she started in on how we were all too silly and not dedicated enough.  Once she had called me out about my backhand needing lots of attention, she ticked me off.  So, I did my famous thing that happens when I get mad, I got quiet.  Then I started to bounce the tennis ball with my raquet (and I'll digress here and say yes, I really did play tennis and that year I was #1 doubles and #3 singles) while she was talking to us, the entire team (and again here I'll say if the Oldest OR Littlest EVER display this disrespectful behavior to anyone/teacher/coach/otherwise, they're in BIG trouble--ahem).  She shot me a look.  I stopped.  She continued talking.  I was still ticked off.  Probably to show I was in charge I started bouncing the ball again.  She sharply called my name, "Jenny!".  I stopped again.  She started to talk again.  Then she started talking directly to me in front of the whole group saying I needed to work on my backhand and it wasn't going to improve on it's own blah blah blah.  Calling me out.  Ok, right here, I'm going to say, I think this might be where all my stubborn streak was enhanced and really brought to the forefront.  This event in my life I have thought about often.  I have never liked to be told what to do (Who does?  But for me, it's akin to someone scraping their nails on a chalkboard, or peeling my skin off, yes, that's about how it feels to me; always has.) but this occasion marks a more savage reaction at least emotionally where I springboarded into how I'd be as an adult I think.  Stronger than before.  I remember feeling VERY sassy and rebellious and without thinking it through, I started bouncing the ball again, but higher, and I looked at her, and she was trying to ignore my obvious ill behavior.  She finally said my name again and said if I didn't stop, I was going to have to run laps and as she said that the ball that I had just bounced REALLY high bounced and hit her in the head.  All I remember is her yelling "RUN and don't stop till I say so!"  Dang.  I was running before she even said 'and don't stop till I say so!'.  Like Forrest Gump, I was runnnING and runnnING and runnnING.  I ran a lot that day and I cried a lot too.  We never talked about it, and I never acted up like that anymore during practice.  Can you imagine that little ole' ME behaved that way?  I'm sure you are shocked.  I was a stinker.  I know I was.

Flash forward to now.  We are playing Cupponk.  The Oldest is not listening.  He is bouncing the ball.  He's messing around.  I tell him to stop.  He doesn't.  He keeps at it.  I continue to try to reign him in.  I give a final warning and he bounces it really high just as I'm asking him to STOP and it bounces way up and hits me square on the head.  Ahem.  I grimmaced (it was only a ping pong ball).  I chuckled inside.  What goes around, comes around.  I'm not sure if his personality will be like mine exactly, maybe a little but it made me smile nonetheless.  He apologized quickly, he felt bad.  Me, I just started running.  I knew I was wrong.  I don't think I meant to hit her in the head but I was certainly ticked off at her.  How DARE she call me out is what was flying through my little immature head. 

The things we do.  The things that happen.  Irony.  Humor.  Life.