Spinning Around

As you can clearly see; I've not had much time lately to devote here. My head is spinning with posts I want to write but time has not been my friend lately.

I dread this time of year. I've come to recognize the signs, I used to have to be reminded by my mom why my moods would be low or swing in July/August but not anymore. I know it. One look at the sky can set me off, watching a bird fly so high I can barely see it is an easy catalyst as well. So high it can be in the Heavens? I do love watching the hawks soar and we have so many here, it's beauty at its best. Isn't it funny how beauty can be sadness too? In so many ways.

I think his memory is raw power and when I'm ultra connected and paying attention I draw from it. But if I'm shifted over a little and not focused, his memory sets me in the wrong direction. Now the Littlest has come to randomly bring up Lucas' name. I'm proud of him and glad he has even slight knowledge of his older brother no longer here but it comes when I least expect it and the sting can be real and sharp. Sucks the breath out of me for a moment when he speaks Lucas' name. I roll, don't get me wrong, but it takes a second for me to get back on solid ground again.

You all know so well what happened, how I've described his hearts' congenital defect, the ill fated surgery, his sickness, his strong fight, and then his decline leading to his death. You know from reading here and even the Lucas site all of our turmoil and deep sadness particulary when we lost him. I won't re hash it all now. Partly because I don't want to step backwards but mainly because it's still painful. I have chided myself and talked the talk, announced I will finish his book, said it outloud so I have to fulfill the task, but still, I cannot bring myself to even read what I wrote. The pain is covered well and even though it's morphed and I'm more healthy than I've been in a long time, the pain is still with me. I suppose if it weren't, I'd be able to breeze through reading the book, remembering the spirit behind it and continue on to it's conclusion. I want to be there and I know I've come a long way, but in the end, I guess I'm not there yet. I still find it difficult to go through his trunk with clothes I kept and different memories from his life. It's very very difficult to admit out loud when touching his things that this was right; though I know it is. God doesn't make mistakes right? I don't know. Maybe he does. How do we know? Yes, maybe a shred of doubt. I'm human; grant me that.

I beg for dreams of him sometimes. The more I want it the more they won't come. I'll never not want to dream of him so I suppose by default, I'll never get to dream of him. Sometimes the less you actively chase or desire something, the easier it comes. When we were in Phoenix, I wanted to have my fortune read. I wanted to sit at a table and someone I don't know to tell me how he's doing and who's taking care of him. My best friend says that in Heaven he doesn't need to be cared for, that he's maybe taken on a different role and maybe has a new job in Heaven. I don't know about that. As his Mom, I simply crave to hold him and my last memory of him being awake and ok, cuts like a knife in my heart and if I let myself I'd sob out loud at that one pure memory alone. As a Mom who watched her son die as a ten month old baby, my heart memorizes that he needs to be held and cared for. I can't imagine him in charge of something or taking care of others. Maybe he is. Maybe I need to open my mind a little more. Maybe I don't.

I remember him and his little happy face. I'll never forget how he adored the Oldest. I'll never forget how we adored him. He died August 21, 2003. Five years later and here I am, holding on as tight as ever. Let it go Jenn. Go ahead, say it. Truth is, I have loosened my grip and accepted the loss at it's core. It's all the other stuff that translates into baggage I continue to carry around; well hidden, even from myself sometimes. Funny isn't it? In the most non hilarious way. Funny how life is such a beautiful contradiction. Life. It comes and it goes and then it goes on. I got this phrase that I want to hang in the living room I got with my sister V in Sedona. Remember it V? It says, "Don't let yesterday use up too much of today". I bought it because I have to remind myself of that lots of times.

I'm working on it.

It's a Charmed Life Someone Once Said

So. Someone once said, "It's a charmed life you lead." I'm sure millions have said it. But most recently, I said it. To my husband. Ouch. It's a charmed life you lead I said in heated battle. Well. At the time I meant it. And to some extent, I still do. But in the past few days I have realized something else. So.Do.I. It's so easy to get fed up, think you have the world on your shoulders, and feel so negative. I do it. I know. But the truth is, I am very blessed and not that luck has much to do with it because I feel we both work very hard for what we have. We have made sacrifices; sure I could be working full time and we could be making more money. But whatever. That isn't important. And sometimes we over extend; but not to the point we are in debt so I count that smart. It's like living on the edge, you COULD be in debt if you wanted to be but you are close to that point, so much so, you can smell it, but you never put your toes on that line. You stay just inches from it. That's where we are. We're ok but not great in the finance department. Could be tons better but could be tons worse. I recognize that. I suppose this is the phase in our life where we rear our children and make not a lot of progress with growing our money for the future. I feel in some ways even THAT is not smart. I bet if I listened to Suzie Orman more, we could be. So, the charmed life. Why is it so charmed?

• We aren't homeless.
• We have so much love around us, it can easily (and often is) taken for granted.
• We have both of our families in the immediate area, who are here for celebrations, happiness, sadness, help, whatever we all need. That too can easily be taken for granted; I hope that we don't.
• We can spontaneously eat out if we want without loading up a credit card.
• We can (but don't) take a trip if we want. This year though I think that will be different.
• We have the comforts of the modern world at our fingertips; from the computer, to the blackberry, to the phone/s, to a big garden bath tub, to a pool in our backyard.

I could list more but you get the idea. And who, exactly, WHO am I to be complaining? Right. Check. Done.

On a completely separate note, I had this wild a** dream last night. Here it is, and murder is involved. Someone please tell me what it means:

I am being chased by this woman, she is going to kill me. She gets me, she kills me, but I am still in the dream, I morph into this other person so I am still there. She keeps following me. Everything stops. Including my memory. Later in the dream, I find this person I used to work with and for a long time ago. She used to run a card shop I used to work at. She is successful making these celophane baskets at Valentines time and that time is coming up, she used to work at a mall that is now knocked down (in real life) and I wonder if I can find her at the other mall in our area. I go there and I see a big store that is wiped out, like everything is sold out and only a little remains. I see her sitting on the floor like she is worn out. I go to her and she says she is moving to Baltimore for one year. I start crying like I will miss her (and I would). Then the woman reappears and begins chasing me again to kill me. I run, she chases, I scream, she screams back. Wild addrenaline. Then the Oldest appears out of nowhere and says calmly, which calms me down in the dream, "mom you have to calm down to handle this problem, calm down" then he's gone. Then the woman again. I take the Oldest's advice and just stand there, I look at the woman and say, "go ahead, kill me" and she stops and says, "I never wanted to kill you, I've been trying to get you to stop, I want you to run my business." Then I run away.

That is all I remember. What in the world? Is this the story of my life? Drama. Always running away. I don't know. Hell. It could just.be.a.dream. Ya think?

Phew.

-J