Part 2 of "Friends of Mine"

I think it's worth it to say these things, for my own sanity if nothing else.  To say it and let it go and move on.  As you well know, this is my coping mechanism, writing is like my medicine for those broken things in the soul that others fret and fret with, not knowing how to let it heal or accept and move on.  This helps me tremendously.  I am so grateful God has given me writing as an outlet, and even more grateful that I have long discovered what is does for me and how it soothes sometimes the deep pains of life.

When someone says things to you that are meant to squash you like a bug and shut you down, particularly in front of others, it is very hurtful.  When it happens over and over again, continuously, over years of time, you begin to realize that person is not healthy; not healthy themselves and certainly not healthy for you.  When someone constantly questions even the very food you eat, openly in front of others, much less a group of professional peers, how you say something, or how you have come to a conclusion, how you think, you begin to realize you are being bullied.  Everyone involved with this person most especially in the professional environment is absolutely being bullied.  It's not healthy.  It's degrading and depressing to be around this person.  Makes you feel less than.  But that is the power of the bully.  The workplace bully.  Everyone thinks it.  Every single person in the room thinks it but none are brave enough to say it, for fear of their figurative heads being ripped off.  You can't make a facial expression showing your feelings as right then and there, you will be questioned rudely, on the spot, in front of all, or alone, it matters not to this person.  This person is so self conscious and so insecure, they are paranoid, and every movement, body language of anyone around them is immediately questioned and put on display for all to see, regardless of the meaning behind your expression.
 
Back in early fall this person openly questioned the fact that I "blog".  Her hurtful, mean, and direct words were "Why do you blog?  What for?  You know they say blogging is out, right?"  On the spot I knew this person never knew me at all.  And cared more about what others say than what is good for her supposed friend.  She clearly never knew me, or what drives me, clearly does not get who I am.  I don't care what others think.  If blogging is out or in or in between, I have written here for years on end because my soul NEEDS it.  I didn't know what to say.  Stunned.  Yet I had to continue and put on the smiley face as we were on a professional trip.  Pretend, pretend, pretend.
 
On many occasions she openly questions the food I eat, "how can you even put that in your mouth?" (referring to white bread for example) she has said.  Never holding back.  Or openly gagging when someone around her is eating something she does not approve of.  Openly commenting on others choice of food constantly.  Thinking she has the right to question me or anyone else, the right to say what we do or don't do.  Always with the pretense that "she cares".  Caring is accepting.  She has never gotten that memo.  I have NEVER EVER questioned the fact that she smokes.  I have never launched a no smoking campaign as she has several times forced all of us at work to participate in weight loss campaigns.  The hipocracy of it all is that many of those same folks all smoke.  It's laughable.  Well, no, it's hurtful, then laughable.  Its hurtful because she forces every single person around her, including me, to be people we are not.  It's laughable because it's so hypocritical.  They are damaging their bodies just as much as someone who is overweight, if not more because it involves the lungs then the heart.  All I've ever done is accept her for everything she is, but I have never been good enough.  She has to fix me.  She has to fix everyone around her.  But she is so broken.  So very broken.  So she sets about fixing everyone else because she has no idea how to fix herself.  It's sad really.  She walks around this world doing, giving, pretending.  But all the while, you better thank her in two seconds or if you don't, she calls you out on it immediately, "you don't seem very thankful for what I've just done for you"  she's been known to say.  Many many comments to me about who didn't thank her at all or quickly enough.  All just a show.  Everything is a show.  -We are all constantly forced to listen to how often a day or week she works out, forced to listen to her go on and on openly and loudly to all who will listen (those who have to do that you often wonder, what they are covering up).  Once she starts talking about it, everyone goes quiet.  I go quiet.  Take a hint.  No one cares!  She thinks she is a fitness coach but she never sticks to it.  I think she could be that if she wanted to, but since she has made no move to do so, then why still talk about it like you ARE a fitness coach and make everyone around you miserable?  Hypocritical.  You can't force your supposed life style on others.  ESPECIALLY in a professional setting.  So astoundingly unprofessional.  Unbelievable. 
 
She recently openly, in front of a group of peers, questioned me on something very personal.  With no hesitation, and she was not even the least bit sorry afterwards.  She questioned me on a friendship I might or might not have had saying, "Are you still talking to her?  I think you are the only one left who is still talking to her?  Are you two friends? "  and as per the norm, I felt very backed into a corner, knowing I was in front of a group of professional peers and not wanting to display anything personal whatsoever, I threw my hands in the air to try to neutralize the situation and she pushed once more saying, "Are you?" and I finally said (thouroughly embarrassed at this point), "I'm struggling with that" not wanting to answer and becoming angrier by the second but knowing I was being bullied and could do nothing about it.  She said in answer to that, "I don't know why you would be struggling with THAT." and as I looked down at the table we were all sitting at, I was utterly humiliated, angry and done.  Absolutely done.  How unprofessional.  How utterly absolutely unprofessional.  That was the last shred of a straw that our friendship had hung on.  I never said anything to her.  In my mind, it was a quiet parting of the ways right at that very moment. 

In that same meeting she happily called another poor individual out and cheerfully told a story about how the person wanted to go get a latte and asked if she wanted one too.  She proudly told the whole room how she did not think that person needed a latte and in the end, the person ended up not getting one because of how she was made to feel about consuming it.  She was openly made fun of and the whole time I thought, my God, how absolutely humiliating for her and I recognized in the person's face what I was feeling, a smile plastered on the face to cover the embarrassment.  Right there in front of the whole group, no one was safe.  No one is ever really safe around her, not really.

In that setting, I can never win, I can never (and have never been able to) say what I think about how she treats me and others.  We are bullied constantly.  And furthermore, I strongly believe that I have been a victim of weight harrassment at work.  Never have I complained.  I have stood and taken it all.  I needed my job.  I needed that income for my family.  It would never be a win/win there because she has resented me and it would never have ended well. 

If the others at work were questioned, by her or anyone else, they would never admit to these things, or agreeing to them because they are all SCARED.  Just like I had been.  Scared and need their jobs too much.  Better to remain silent and just take it.  I have been a passive witness for a long time and shame on me.  Shame on me for not speaking up for others along the way.  Shame on me for not standing up for myself after all this time. 
 
This is a person I called friend.  And to watch her hurt others time and time and time again, I still stood there, never judging.  Never, not once.  The same could not be said on the reverse. 

The lessons of life.  Sometimes they are huge, big.  This one has been a doozy.  It has afforded me the opportunity to take a step back and really take stock in the true friends I have.  The ones who NEVER judge me, always love me for who I am, and accept me and my children for who we are, not how we look.

I have learned that she has actually openly discussed me in a personal way with people from work.  She thinks they don't tell.  It's funny really.  Funny because people at work talk to me much more than she thinks.  She has no idea.  And I've never divulged that to anyone, never used that ever, against anyone.  What is told to me stays with me.  I can hold my head high in all of this and this lesson has been invaluable. 

At one point, I was upset with myself because I let this person in my life.  But now I am realizing that it all happened for a reason.  I have learned so much about myself because of this.  I will continue to hold my head high and that person will get whatever she does or does not deserve based on how she has treated others.  That person cannot hold her head high and that is a direct result of how she treats others. 

How things end are already pre written and I am perfectly wonderfully happy and content with it all.  I have behaved well.  That is all I can control.  I will still trust others and let them into my life, but I will trust my gut instinct better next time.  As the chapter and book of this friendship has ended, I have begun a new fresher one where I am healthy and happier.  Not bogged down with worry over what I say or how I look.  I am happy to be me and I find that confidence in myself and in God.  All the other stuff, the bad stuff I have been put through, happened for a reason.  It has made me a better person.  I believe that with all my heart and soul.

Jenn

Friends of Mine

At the age of 40, I am left wondering, what is a friend?  I think I know, I mean, good gracious, everyone knows what a friend is, right?  I posted something three years ago and now I have the answer to my questions, or most of them.  It's sad.  I'm very very sad.  Maybe it was as plain as the writing on the wall.  Maybe I should have followed my instincts and it cannot end well now.

This person has hurt me so many times, time and time again, yet I care for them still.  Maybe I always will.  Maybe it's a sad farewell to something that means a lot to me.  And that is life, hello's and goodbye's.  Seasons of friendships, comings and goings.  I've pretty much accepted it now and I will not stoop to that level, so I hold my tongue continually and pray.  We are very damaged for all we've been through and it would take a lot to repair it.  I'm not certain, I'm just not certain it ever will be repaired.  I can tell that there is hurt on both sides but it's quietly just done now.  Probably best in the end, we can't keep this up, at least my heart can't keep it up anymore.  The trust is gone and once that happens, it's time to move forward and leave everything behind. 

-On the other hand, I do have some very close friends who are fabulous and I am lucky to have in my life.  I will cherish those wonderful people with all I have.  I count myself blessed and lucky to have them.  They know who they are and I love them with all my heart.  I love fully, that's how I am.  I am open when I care for someone because life has taught me to be that way.  So with my heart so fully out in the open, it's bound to get a nick or two, or a slice or two now and then. 

To everything there is a season and just like the wind rustling in the trees as Summer fades to Fall, so has this cherished friendship done the same.  I am always learning lessons in this life.  In my favorite thing I love to say, 'as it should be...as it should be'. 

Jenn

Winnie the Pooh on Friendship

You can't stay in your corner of the forest waiting for others to come to you. You have to go to them sometimes.---Winnie the Pooh

I am so thankful for the true friends in my life.  I don't have throngs of them, but the ones I do are ones I can depend on, ones who I can say anything to, and are solid gold to me. 

I'm tired of being constricted on what I can or can't say, what I should or shouldn't say, or worrying about my every word being misconstrued constantly.  How fair is it if I have to hold my tongue quite a bit and the other person gets to spew out exactly what they think every single occasion there is conflict?  Oh yes, there's the going quiet part and sometimes I think that is the saving grace of it all.  Every time something comes in the range of vision, hearing, or awareness that is not liked, immediately there is a comment, or judgment, body language (followed by a comment) or something to OBVIOUSLY indicate to the other person that says they screwed up again.  How many times can a person screw up before it becomes obvious the friendship it not what either of them thought it was?  At some point, you become like an idiot who keeps going back thinking something different will occur. 

If that person is not happy with themselves, then NOTHING will ever be right.  Not other people in their lives, not what those people do or say, how they love, how they eat, what they eat, anything.  I am seeing it all so clearly now.  Crystal.  I get it.  I see how others are affected by it as well and it's exhausting me not to be able to say anything, or to act on it, its exhausting me to just sit by like Switzerland, as neutral as the day is long, watching it all swirl around me.

It makes me more grateful for sanity, for love, makes me more grateful for the happiness in my life.  I am drawn to that more and more and pushing further and further away from the other stuff.  It's getting dangerously beyond the point of repair.  I suppose that is my answer. 

Thankful for my friends, for truth, for understanding of who I am and acceptance of that.  Those that don't have that for me are simply not ones I need to be around.  How many signs on the side of the road do I need to see?  How many red flags?  I think I've passed one of the last signs.  I read that last one very clearly.

Winnie the Pooh, he's a pretty smart bear.

Road Trips

Yesterday took a long road trip for work and talked non stop for well, maybe over 12 hours, yes it was. Laughing, talking, singing, driving down country roads through corn fields, taking wrong turns and not caring because the laughter was making it all better and we had that good ole' GPS.

I said I'd blog about it but it's too long to say and you wouldn't believe. But that lady in the gas station, she thought we were two "city girls" who couldn't pump gas and I looked at the cute guy in line and said (in my head) "you make the decision. look at her, then look at me, who do YOU think is doing something wrong?" Yah, that's what I thought, it was HER fault! We were there WAAAY too long. :) We passed a car with some very questionable peeps in it and we laughed at that like there was laughing gas in the car. Had to be there, maybe.

Long day of driving intermixed with much silliness. And a margarita at the end of it made it even more perfect. That or a martini.

Love Dare

Marriage. Patience. Kindness. Those three words are intertwined together in inexplicable ways. "No one likes to be around an impatient person. It causes you to over react in angry, regretable, and foolish ways....patience stops problems in their tracks" This is an excerpt from the book called Love Dare. I could take a lesson from it.

Just saw the movie Fireproof. Completely unexpected but stopped me in my tracks. I think my husband and I have a very strong relationship. Sure, troubles come and go but no person is perfect, not me, not him. We both have a willingness to move forward and grow old together and it all comes down to that. Though I know our relationship is solid and we are both committed, this movie had some very important messages; not just for us but all couples.

Highly recommend this movie.

It's good. It's worth it. Very eye opening. No more words. Well, but for this. Love dare.

Happy Birthday Tammy

I hope you get treated like a birthday Queen tomorrow and lots of little goodies and treats come your way. It's well deserved, you work hard and do a lot for all your boys. I for one wish I was there to wish it in person but this will have to do.

You are a special person to me and I often wistfully think it would be more fun if we lived closer together. We'd probably get into lots of trouble together, have little spats, get over them, roll our eyes at each other for how different we are and then laugh about it all in the end. Friendship. I think it's golden that we have kept it after all these years and so far apart. I appreciate all you bring to my life even though atypical since miles split us.

Love to you birthday girl. I'm right behind you in a few months, we are neck and neck. :)

Jenn

Life life life

I have so many interactions with different people, friends, and really good ones. I don't take anything for granted. I feel the moment and I cherish the time. My perspective demands it, it's the norm for me now. It's the only way to be. Live in the moment but look forward to the new ones, no looking back. You can't change anything. You could try, you could pay someone off, you could wish it and will it but you cannot change the past. You can barter with God, if you think that'll work, you could beg him to strike you dead, it won't change the thing you want it to. Or the things. Having learned that in the span of five years, I only look forward. When I catch myself looking back, I feel it and pull my head forward. Ahead. Now. The future.

Last night went out with the girls and at some point we talked very openly about Lucas. I never cried. Not one tear. Only once was there a fear of a tear and it passed, it never fell. I saw tears in their eyes and I was still strong. We talked about so much, but on the topic of Lucas, we went there. There and back. This is the conclusion I think we came to...and I am the one who said it...well, let me tell you what preceded it first....someone said, "If I knew my child was born and taken too early and there was no reason or it wasn't pre determined already when she was born the day she was going to die then I couldn't take it. If it was senseless, I couldn't take it." I knew what she was saying. She was saying, 'don't let it have been in vain'. I agree. I so whole heartedly agree. Don't let Lucas' life have been in vain is the feeling that pumps through my heart and body every day since he died. And I'm not exxaggerating. To that I said, "Maybe, just maybe, Lucas was born so that doctor would not be able to operate on any other babies after him. That sucks doesn't it? But yes, maybe that was the reason for his life." Well. To say that out loud, to them, after two margaritas and no tears? I have no idea, but there you go.

I feel the reasons for his life were more than that though. While that is maybe the biggest reason, there is also purpose, and love, and hearts having grown bigger and the strength that he unwittingly gave us both during his life and after it. Hopefully there is also friends and family learning not to take their children for granted-ever. By watching us, hopefully they learned that. There's a lot of reasons Lucas was here. And you know, who am I to say I know the reason for his life? I'm sure God will set me straight on that one day as I stand before him. I'm so omnipotent aren't I? No. Not even close. These are things I feel may be right, but I defer to God on it. I know I'll find out one day.

Love your life, it's yours. Enjoy your life, no one else can. Don't fret over how hard you have it, it could always (always) be worse. Take time for yourself, if you don't, no one else will make you and you'll be no good for anyone, including yourself OR your family. I say learn from events in your life and look ahead for ways you can improve and give back because of what you have learned.

I hope that is the right way to be. I can only hope.

Life..... and Death......

This has nothing to do with Lucas. So you know.

Someone I knew from a long time ago, would consider her an old friend, died last Friday. I found out on Wednesday. The viewing was that night. Found out and went on the same day. Not much time to process. She was only 58 and died of cancer. Evil cancer. Immediately said I would go to the viewing. As the time drew closer, I chickened out and decided I would not. My husband had another idea and insisted I go; right thing to do and all that.

I have told this story many times but if not for her, quite possibly my honey and I might never have met. He has lots of times given her credit for 'us'. You know those people in your life who come and go, have tons of meaning, serve a certain purpose that you don't realize until you look backwards? She was one of them. When I saw her through the years afterwards, we'd always stop and talk, catch up, give hugs, and walk away (I think, at least on my part) glad we had touched base again. She was a go getter, lots of energy, a mover and a shaker, never sat still for long. To see her that night in that casket....well....it didn't seem real. Not even close. I was upset throughout the day and had been crying (of course) before I even got there. I brought an old photo album with lots of pictures of us being silly and even a couple with her and her oldest daughter.....I wanted to share these old memories and thought it apropriate. I ended up giving them all the pictures they wanted; they took all but two. I was glad I brought them. Her oldest daughter left me one with her mom and my husband and one with me and her mom. As I stood there and said a prayer by her side, with tears silently running down my face, I knew there was a higher power. I felt it to my core. And I knew she was there, right there. I'm all twisted with death and why it happens and when it happens and just all screwed up with it. I sometimes feel the person never died. I felt that again. I was more visibly upset than her two daughters but I knew they were being strong for their "Mommie"...grown girls in their 20's/30's. My visit was quick enough but hopefully meaningful.

I went to honor you, Betty. I think you were taken too soon. But God thought that was the exact right time. I suppose that's how death is. We never know when it will come, but we know it will come. For me, it's the reason I really try to live my life right. The whole kindness thing. The whole volunteer thing. Helping others blah blah. It's really not blah blah to me but you know what I mean. I still have visions of her like that in my head and that is one of the reasons I did not want to go. Would rather have remembered her the way she was the last time I saw her but so it goes. Can't really control that and it is what it is.

Life is beautiful and meant to live out loud. Remember what is most important. Death isn't the end, I know that. It doesn't mean we can't be sad about it. This is the part I struggle with the most. I envy those that are happy at funerals, who think that it's a celebration. I realize it is a time to celebrate that person's life, I know that to my core but I get caught up in the 'they're gone' part. I'm all messed up with God on that part. I continue to work and get it right...I guess that's the path of life. Figuring it out and striving to do it right...staying on the right path...sometimes it's easy and sometimes it's hard. Would be no fun if not a challenge, right?

You will be missed, Betty. Even though I didn't see you all the time, I will tell you that you will be missed. Fly with your beautiful wings, fly fly fly. Big hugs to you.

Jenn

President Obama

I couldn't have said it better myself than my good good friend Tammy did.

Go here. Simple and true.

http://jardna.blogspot.com/2009/01/today.html

-J

Where O Where Have I Been?

Just took a little hiatus I suppose. Have lots of different things on my mind lately...

There are lots of people in my life I would love to be closer to. Its usually because of work or boys school/s that I cannot or it would be inapproriate. It makes me sad that I cannot. I've seen it happen so many times, things go wrong in those kind of relationships.

I really went outside of the lines one time and I'm glad I did. I took a huge huge risk, very unlike myself in that arena but I'm so glad I did because that person has turned out to be the friend of a lifetime. The kind of friend you would do anything for...and someone who I'm nothing like at first glance. You have to look deeper. That goes with anyone. You can't judge by the surface, to know what someone is like---let alone the visual surface. You have to take the time and learn the person. So glad I did that. If she and I had bumped into each other in a mall or anywhere both of us would have walked away thinking "snotty wasn't she" just because we seem nothing alike. The truth is we are so alike in lots of ways its somewhat scary..not in all ways..but a lot. She has made me open my life up in a few areas I had sealed like a vault. Re discovering myself in some ways. I will never be able to thank her enough for that. Hopefully she benefits from our friendship as much as I do.

I will seek out those people when my life is in a different place. I know exactly who they are. Think they are totally worth a good friendship. Just cannot show it to them. One day.....

Welcome 2009. I am ready for inspired change this year. I'm going to get, actively going out to get it. Watch me.

Christmas Cards...

I love them. Love making them, sending them, and love getting them too. It's one of the last bastions of real human interaction; void of email or technology. It's a real effort on someone's part to say 'hello, hope you are well, thinking of you, sending love your way' type thing. Love that. In this day and age, there's too much fast fast and too much texting and emailing and not enough phone calling and sending notes on stationary anymore. I'm guilty of it as well. I know it all too well.

I usually make them. It's my favorite thing ever. If I have even a little time, I make it work, I start early and whenever I have a free second, I work on them in phases. For the last couple of years, I went with the now becoming tradition photo cards. This year, I pulled it out of my hat and decided in September or October, I would make them. In November I started and finished by the end of the month. I think they went in the mail on December 1st or 2nd.

My very good friend Tammy started a Christmas Card contest last year and I loved her concept and the time she took doing it. She did it again this year. Go to her site, check it out. I got "Overall Seasonal Best Card". :) I emailed her yesterday and said, "hey, are you guys doing that again?" cause I was dying to see all her cards and categories. She knows I'm nutty like that. Thank God she accepts me this way. ;) Here's a link.

Thanks Tamm for the shout out but more importantly, thanks because it's the little things like this that make all the difference sometimes. The most meaningful.

Love to you all and hope your Christmas was warm, peaceful, and whatever is important to you was held in it.

Jenn

The Holidays

--I love the music.
--I love the lights.
--I love the generous spirit of folks and try to ignore the ones not so generous or happy.
--I adore my boys even more during this time, it's a 'moment' to reflect and shower with love.
--I love the peaceful nights (ok aside from racing boys through a messy house, you know what I
mean..
--I love the stress of getting it all done.
--I love making my cards on the years I do. I save a sample every time and put them in a special
place.
--I love making memories.

Been thinking lately. I cherish all those in my life, those that are similar and oh so different. I am grateful for all of you. We have a couple more weeks to go but Merry Christmas to you all. If it were not for our differences, we'd be a pretty boring bunch. :) The world goes round and round and round with all of our differences. As long as we can come together and appreciate them, all will be well.

Jenn

Quiet

So. I've been quiet for a while. I go through cycles of tons to say then thinking I should fall silent for a bit and then sometimes it turns into writers block.

Weight:
I hate mine. Let me pout for a second. I don't WANT to exircise, I don't WANT to eat specific things. I know I have to but I DON'T WANT to. Thanks. Fit done.

Self:
I like mine.

Weight/self:
Intertwined together hence the ups and downs.

Control:
I have none in this life; none of us do. If you think you have control of something, it's just a coincidence. It's just a happenstance of your life at that moment in time. God is really in control; not you, not me.

My boys:
My joy. Pure.

Best Friends:
I am lucky. She's the best. Supports me and gets mad at me and laughes her butt off at me and hates me and loves me and is quiet when needed and loud when needed. Wonder why I had to go 36, 37 years to find this friend? Oh yeah, it's that God thing. Perfect timing for this life of mine.

sorry to ramble this time guys. usually I'm more cohesive than this. must be the wine.

My friend

I have a friend who means so much to me. The world. I watch her go through things and my heart tightens up and I sometimes don't say anything because it isn't my place but I worry and I just want her to be so happy in this life. I know she'll find her way, she's strong and smart and on the right path. She's so close. I am so rooting for her.
-J

Trust

With me it must be earned. I don't give it freely. I am probably too guarded and too watchful. How can I be that and glass half full too?

My friends know this about me probably. I'm sure it maddens them. So twisted and complicated isn't it? I wish I could be more free and less absolute. How do I get like that?

Any advice? Will I hear crickets after I click post? Will I get advice?

I will be open to hearing and I'll do my best to open my ears as wide as they can go. After that, I can't promise a thing. :)

LBD

LBD. Always hard to find the perfect one. But I'm lucky. I have one. ;) I think it's for life. This is one I won't give away.

Hair

I got up the nerve (and I WAS nervous; silly me) to get my hair cut. Before she made the first cut, I said, "wait." like when I was a little girl and told the dentist to "wait" before he gave me the shot for my filling..? Like that. "Wait." Just a simple, I'm not sure about this, give me a second here, "wait". I backpeddled for a moment and said to her, "well you could just clean it up and I'll stay with what I have..." know what she said? She said, trying not to cover the slight irritation in her voice :) she said, "Change is good." Hmm. Really? "Change is good, go ahead." I said.

Done. It's short and sassy and I really rather love it. Trendy, smooth and chic is my perception. A change from what I had. Trying so hard to grow it out. Trying so hard not to change but feeling the waves knocking me on the tiny sandy beach, giving me a message that change was needed. See how this is applying to more than my hair here?

Yeah, it is. It did. And now it's done. Huge, huge, sigh of relief. Moving on, slowly, step by step............I'm getting there.

Thanks you know who.

Public Display of Apology

I have done a terrible thing. I missed Tammy's birthday this past week. I realized it the day after and still never said anything. Worse than horrible. I kept thinking I'd deal with it later, send her something one day last week, never did and never did and Tammy, I'm so sorry. I'm not going to say I'm too busy, we all are. Birthdays are important. Celebration of life. You are such a special person and more importantly, a special person to me. Please know that.

Watch for the mail, it'll be late, but it'll be there. Just know I love you. I'm a schmuck, I let life get in the way of life. Wrong and more wrong. Not supposed to not acknowledge birthdays of those I love. I will work on it. I will do better. I am resolved.

Happy belated birthday, and enjoy your 38th year of life. This one will be one to remember. I feel your house will be delivered this year. I'm writing it down.

Love to you.

Jenn

Worth the Chance?

Do you have a lot of friends? How do you view friendship? I mean real, true, friendship. Not just a next door neighbor you chat with on occasion. Not just a PTA buddy you have come to know. Someone you really relate with, someone you can tell anything to...that kind of friendship. Do you think friendship involves heart? Big heart? Understanding, forgivness, letting that person into places of you that you let no others see? All of that? None of that? Are you cavalier with your friends and friendships? Do you normally befriend people who are just like you? Nothing like you? A little like you?

I don't know. I mean, I do know. But I don't. Becoming someone's friend, a true friend, someone I call a "friend" is HUGE to me. It's not something I am flip about at all, not in the very least. I don't have that many. I'm ok with that. More than ok. I like it that way. Sad for me-huh? Right. I know. So maybe sometimes I come off as snooty or stuck up. I'm not. In the least. But I suspect that from time to time, others might think it. Because I'm too busy walking by too fast and pretending I can't see you trying to make eye contact or be friendly. I'm too busy building my wall extra strong so you can't get through. Sad for me-huh? Right. I know. Somehow, it's engrained in me. Don't ask. It's a long story. If I call you my friend, it's forever in my mind. And as long as it took to happen, however long it took me to trust you or learn to allow you in to "me" (cause right now, it's all about me as I'm writing, just bear with me, please just humor me here) if I ever get the vibe that I was wrong to trust or I was wrong to let the person in, I'm done, I'm gone, I'm outta there. Sad for me-huh? Right. I know.

It's not that no one is allowed to make mistakes (good Lord, look at me, I'm full of them, on an almost constant basis) but it's more about me not getting hurt anymore. It's called a very very thick layer of protection. I've had enough, thankyouverymuch, I've had enough hurt for a long time from other things in my life, starting with I suppose, when my parents divorced and my Dad left---learning to deal with that as a little girl and adapting to change even that young. I'm not great at much, and adapting to change is still one I struggle with, I have overcome it, I do it, but I feel it for a moment before moving on. I'm a gracious person, but just one that knows when to cut and run. Even if it's only in my mind. I can cut and run and still be looking the person straight in the face. Sad for me-huh? Right. I know.

I have this friend. It is not easy. She is gold. I'm sure I make it very hard on her end too. I'm sure lots of times she has probably wanted to simply be done and walk away. I am figuring out it takes work. --And not to mention, we are in some ways very alike (both direct and yearn for control in most if not all situations), and in some ways very different. Hey, this is probably not an unusual thing for friends (or even husbands/wives) so what's the point? I am not really sure what the point is. I've been mullilng and tossing and turning every single point of our last conversations over and over and over in my mind and as usual she shows me things even when she is not aware. Reveals things about myself and who I am, and what is to come in my life. She probably doesn't even know it.

If you think after reading any of the above that I am a selfish and a sad person, one who is a hermitty poor soul who won't allow herself the gifts of humanity or friendship with ease, one who isn't living life to its full potential, well then you'll be proud to know that I'm not done here. I'm not done with her or our friendship, I do think it's worth the chance and the risk of getting hurt and I'm not giving up. I only hope she thinks the same. I guess only time will tell.

.....j

True Friends Part II

I think some folks have too many friends and it turns out they are not true ones. Maybe that is my very twisted spin on things, and I fully agree, it probably is. Maybe I've been burned too many times, or maybe I just see others going through ridiculous things and I think, not for me. I have too much already.

A true friend I think is someone you can say anything to with no boundaries. Just say it with ease. Someone you can get into a disagreement with and later discuss and move on. Someone with no judgment towards you or others. And most important of all, someone you can absolutely trust and you just know innately, you don't even have to say, "Don't say anything to anyone", you know it'll go no further.

There's no he said she said in a true friendship, there's no hushed gossipping or having to keep up with what you said or they said. AND best of all, doesn't matter how long you haven't talked, you pick right back up, you talk a mile a minute and even after you are away from each other you think, "dang, I meant to say this or that" like there wasn't enough time to talk about it all.

When I love, I love hard, when I trust, I trust hard. When those things are broken, I am done. I have tried to be different, to change, to improve on those things, to be more forgiving, but I can't. It is who I am, I am what I am.

All this spurred on by a memory of something from my past. A person. Who turned out a little nutty. This little memory made me think about all the things I value in my friends. And why I am the way I am. So my mind has been spinning, churning, and that's how it goes with me.