Part 2 of "Friends of Mine"

I think it's worth it to say these things, for my own sanity if nothing else.  To say it and let it go and move on.  As you well know, this is my coping mechanism, writing is like my medicine for those broken things in the soul that others fret and fret with, not knowing how to let it heal or accept and move on.  This helps me tremendously.  I am so grateful God has given me writing as an outlet, and even more grateful that I have long discovered what is does for me and how it soothes sometimes the deep pains of life.

When someone says things to you that are meant to squash you like a bug and shut you down, particularly in front of others, it is very hurtful.  When it happens over and over again, continuously, over years of time, you begin to realize that person is not healthy; not healthy themselves and certainly not healthy for you.  When someone constantly questions even the very food you eat, openly in front of others, much less a group of professional peers, how you say something, or how you have come to a conclusion, how you think, you begin to realize you are being bullied.  Everyone involved with this person most especially in the professional environment is absolutely being bullied.  It's not healthy.  It's degrading and depressing to be around this person.  Makes you feel less than.  But that is the power of the bully.  The workplace bully.  Everyone thinks it.  Every single person in the room thinks it but none are brave enough to say it, for fear of their figurative heads being ripped off.  You can't make a facial expression showing your feelings as right then and there, you will be questioned rudely, on the spot, in front of all, or alone, it matters not to this person.  This person is so self conscious and so insecure, they are paranoid, and every movement, body language of anyone around them is immediately questioned and put on display for all to see, regardless of the meaning behind your expression.
 
Back in early fall this person openly questioned the fact that I "blog".  Her hurtful, mean, and direct words were "Why do you blog?  What for?  You know they say blogging is out, right?"  On the spot I knew this person never knew me at all.  And cared more about what others say than what is good for her supposed friend.  She clearly never knew me, or what drives me, clearly does not get who I am.  I don't care what others think.  If blogging is out or in or in between, I have written here for years on end because my soul NEEDS it.  I didn't know what to say.  Stunned.  Yet I had to continue and put on the smiley face as we were on a professional trip.  Pretend, pretend, pretend.
 
On many occasions she openly questions the food I eat, "how can you even put that in your mouth?" (referring to white bread for example) she has said.  Never holding back.  Or openly gagging when someone around her is eating something she does not approve of.  Openly commenting on others choice of food constantly.  Thinking she has the right to question me or anyone else, the right to say what we do or don't do.  Always with the pretense that "she cares".  Caring is accepting.  She has never gotten that memo.  I have NEVER EVER questioned the fact that she smokes.  I have never launched a no smoking campaign as she has several times forced all of us at work to participate in weight loss campaigns.  The hipocracy of it all is that many of those same folks all smoke.  It's laughable.  Well, no, it's hurtful, then laughable.  Its hurtful because she forces every single person around her, including me, to be people we are not.  It's laughable because it's so hypocritical.  They are damaging their bodies just as much as someone who is overweight, if not more because it involves the lungs then the heart.  All I've ever done is accept her for everything she is, but I have never been good enough.  She has to fix me.  She has to fix everyone around her.  But she is so broken.  So very broken.  So she sets about fixing everyone else because she has no idea how to fix herself.  It's sad really.  She walks around this world doing, giving, pretending.  But all the while, you better thank her in two seconds or if you don't, she calls you out on it immediately, "you don't seem very thankful for what I've just done for you"  she's been known to say.  Many many comments to me about who didn't thank her at all or quickly enough.  All just a show.  Everything is a show.  -We are all constantly forced to listen to how often a day or week she works out, forced to listen to her go on and on openly and loudly to all who will listen (those who have to do that you often wonder, what they are covering up).  Once she starts talking about it, everyone goes quiet.  I go quiet.  Take a hint.  No one cares!  She thinks she is a fitness coach but she never sticks to it.  I think she could be that if she wanted to, but since she has made no move to do so, then why still talk about it like you ARE a fitness coach and make everyone around you miserable?  Hypocritical.  You can't force your supposed life style on others.  ESPECIALLY in a professional setting.  So astoundingly unprofessional.  Unbelievable. 
 
She recently openly, in front of a group of peers, questioned me on something very personal.  With no hesitation, and she was not even the least bit sorry afterwards.  She questioned me on a friendship I might or might not have had saying, "Are you still talking to her?  I think you are the only one left who is still talking to her?  Are you two friends? "  and as per the norm, I felt very backed into a corner, knowing I was in front of a group of professional peers and not wanting to display anything personal whatsoever, I threw my hands in the air to try to neutralize the situation and she pushed once more saying, "Are you?" and I finally said (thouroughly embarrassed at this point), "I'm struggling with that" not wanting to answer and becoming angrier by the second but knowing I was being bullied and could do nothing about it.  She said in answer to that, "I don't know why you would be struggling with THAT." and as I looked down at the table we were all sitting at, I was utterly humiliated, angry and done.  Absolutely done.  How unprofessional.  How utterly absolutely unprofessional.  That was the last shred of a straw that our friendship had hung on.  I never said anything to her.  In my mind, it was a quiet parting of the ways right at that very moment. 

In that same meeting she happily called another poor individual out and cheerfully told a story about how the person wanted to go get a latte and asked if she wanted one too.  She proudly told the whole room how she did not think that person needed a latte and in the end, the person ended up not getting one because of how she was made to feel about consuming it.  She was openly made fun of and the whole time I thought, my God, how absolutely humiliating for her and I recognized in the person's face what I was feeling, a smile plastered on the face to cover the embarrassment.  Right there in front of the whole group, no one was safe.  No one is ever really safe around her, not really.

In that setting, I can never win, I can never (and have never been able to) say what I think about how she treats me and others.  We are bullied constantly.  And furthermore, I strongly believe that I have been a victim of weight harrassment at work.  Never have I complained.  I have stood and taken it all.  I needed my job.  I needed that income for my family.  It would never be a win/win there because she has resented me and it would never have ended well. 

If the others at work were questioned, by her or anyone else, they would never admit to these things, or agreeing to them because they are all SCARED.  Just like I had been.  Scared and need their jobs too much.  Better to remain silent and just take it.  I have been a passive witness for a long time and shame on me.  Shame on me for not speaking up for others along the way.  Shame on me for not standing up for myself after all this time. 
 
This is a person I called friend.  And to watch her hurt others time and time and time again, I still stood there, never judging.  Never, not once.  The same could not be said on the reverse. 

The lessons of life.  Sometimes they are huge, big.  This one has been a doozy.  It has afforded me the opportunity to take a step back and really take stock in the true friends I have.  The ones who NEVER judge me, always love me for who I am, and accept me and my children for who we are, not how we look.

I have learned that she has actually openly discussed me in a personal way with people from work.  She thinks they don't tell.  It's funny really.  Funny because people at work talk to me much more than she thinks.  She has no idea.  And I've never divulged that to anyone, never used that ever, against anyone.  What is told to me stays with me.  I can hold my head high in all of this and this lesson has been invaluable. 

At one point, I was upset with myself because I let this person in my life.  But now I am realizing that it all happened for a reason.  I have learned so much about myself because of this.  I will continue to hold my head high and that person will get whatever she does or does not deserve based on how she has treated others.  That person cannot hold her head high and that is a direct result of how she treats others. 

How things end are already pre written and I am perfectly wonderfully happy and content with it all.  I have behaved well.  That is all I can control.  I will still trust others and let them into my life, but I will trust my gut instinct better next time.  As the chapter and book of this friendship has ended, I have begun a new fresher one where I am healthy and happier.  Not bogged down with worry over what I say or how I look.  I am happy to be me and I find that confidence in myself and in God.  All the other stuff, the bad stuff I have been put through, happened for a reason.  It has made me a better person.  I believe that with all my heart and soul.

Jenn