Parenting in 2013..

This could literally be a book.  It's SO hard to be a parent. When I was a little girl, I remember thinking, 'when I grow up, I want to be a mamma.' In my little girl brain I wanted to have five kids and just be a mom.     Although I did not have five kids, I did have three and one is no longer here..so I have two.  Two is what it was supposed to be.  And two has been enough, these two boys have kept us contentedly busy in lots of ways.  Five?  If I think of five children, someone would have had to knock me silly a couple of times a week and send me a maid too.

As it is, we are happily happy with the four of us, yes, we miss Lucas, but its clear God meant it to be this way.  So having said that, we go on.  And we get busy and we do the best we can.  My husband and I are pretty on balance with how we parent, ways we think things should be done etc etc.  Of course, we don't agree on everything.  Would be no fun that way.  It's good to have two dissenting opinions, then you can find the balance of the two and hopefully the kids benefit from the middle ground.  Let's pray it makes them more open minded to know we had to 'meet in the middle' on stuff from time to time.  

However, the hardest part of parenting is knowing if what YOU BELIEVE is really right to teach them and what they need.  Yes, its easy to know what you think and do what you know....if that makes sense..but that is for YOU.  What about what is best for THEM?  We all know when they sent us home from the hospital there was no binder or how to books.  I remember driving home with the Oldest sitting in the back seat thinking, "Are they frickin' kidding me?  They're letting us TAKE THE BABY?"  Sheer panic set in and on that long drive home when my honey probably drove the slowest he's ever driven in his life, for fear of crashing with the baby in the car, I remember being in a daze.  Happy?  Yes.  Very happy.  But in a daze.  What in the world did we just do?  What just happened here? Oh yes, a lot just happened there.  We knew NOTHING!  But pretended we were in control.  I'm sure it was pretty hilarious.  

 ---Flash forward...along comes the Middlest, Lucas.  

This was me as we were taking Lucas home from the hospital.  We were a bit more seasoned by then..just a bit.  Life back then was fairly simple, the boys were little.  There were no terribly difficult decisions (yet).  It was pretty straightforward, feed them, make sure they get plenty of sleep, change their diapers, make sure they feel loved 24 hours a day.  

NOW.  They have grown.  There are bigger decisions.  There really are decisions and tough choices to be made.  Sometimes indignation even!  I pray pray pray we are doing things right.  We hold our ground on some of the things that their friends' parents don't.  It makes us the bad guys sometimes.  I'm OK with being the bad guy.  But will it be worth it?  Hard to tell.  Have to go with your gut.  And pray.  A lot.  

Everything is so fast forward.  Kids with iPhones.  Kids with iPads doing and interacting in ways we could never have imagined when we were little.  Kids in 6th, 7th and 8th grade having boyfriend/girlfriend relationships.  Violence in the media, violent video games, provocative imagines flying at them in warp speed on the main channels of TV, it's too much to absorb for an ADULT sometimes, let alone a child.  How can they process it all and be expected to make fully informed decisions?  There's no way, and I'm not trying to take away anything from them, as they are very smart!

It takes a village.  And lots of attention from us as the parents!  I can't even imagine how it will be for OUR BOYS to parent when its their time.  What will it be like then?  Futuristic parenting...I wouldn't even want to begin to guess what a futuristic world will be like with regard to parenting.

All I know is, we are doing our best and we love them.  At the end of the day, I pray that shines through more than anything else.  Any of the 'no's they will hear or disappointments they may have....I hope they hear, feel, and see how much we love them more than any of that other stuff.  Our society is throwing so much at them on a daily basis, they have to be smart to navigate it all.  And us parents?  We have to be SMARTER.  Maybe that's the takeaway.  Gotta be smart.  

Grateful Heart

When I think of my life..and all that it has encompassed, I think I have been very blessed.  I am sitting here in the same room with the boys who are arm wrestling with smiles on their faces.  13 and 7.  I think their love for each other will always be there.  Makes it all worth it.  They are making me laugh as they are having a sour candy contest and their faces are all sucked in as they say 'I can take it' and the Littlest is now spitting it out saying, 'this is gonna kill me!' and I'm cracking up.  The Oldest is giving him sound (not so) advice and saying, "just don't swallow the spit, get past the sour layer!" and the Littlest is not buying it.  The Oldest' face is contorted and his cheekbones are very pronounced as he tries to pretend the candy is not sour.  Oh they slay me, I love their antics....

We have a wonderful roof over our heads.  We are very blessed to have that.  We have worked hard for it and we have sacrificed a LOT to keep it that way.  We don't buy things on a whim, we don't do grand improvements to our home just because we want them; things that we improve are definitely NEEDED, not just wanted.  -We have made it through some very tough times but here we are.  Not by luck, but by smarts, hard work and stick-to-it-iv-ness.  By our fingernails sometimes.  But all for these boys.

With losing your child, your entire Universe is altered permanently, first, very starkly, then in smoother ways, like a pebble being smoothed by the waves of the unending crashing ocean (which I've often compared grieving to).  It ultimately comes to just a knowledge, a knowing, a certain intangible thing that is just added to your life that makes you love harder, laugh louder, hug a little more, and become more protective.  That last one, well, that's probably putting it lightly.  Protective.  You could say that.

But beyond that, the normal ups and downs of life are made sweeter by love.  The love I feel for what I work for--our boys--my boys--it fuels everything I do.  I'm not unlike other moms in that way. I know we all are driven for the same things.  I get it.  ~I feel that common driving factor is enunciated in our lives by Lucas and his absence.  So for ME, its magnified.  How I feel life, look at life, appreciate life and protect it.

So in sitting back and listening to the boys banter about silly things and get along and laugh (and fight) and laugh some more...I KNOW how blessed we are.  You could never take that away from me; that knowledge.  It's infused in how I wake up in the morning, when my feet hit the floor each morning, I feel gratitude, it might be groggy gratitude, I might be stumbling to the bathroom with my gratitude..and I will hold my pee until I brush my teeth (gotta do that first you know) with my thanks rolling through my brain and no matter how hokey it sounds, its the truth.....and I pray it makes me a better person.  Sometimes it is not easy you know!  I could easily be bitter and stay that way.   I know people like that.  -Not interested.  That would be so easy!  It would be easier to feel that way and be down about what we don't have!  You have to work at gratitude sometimes you know....

At the beginning of 2013, I enter it with a grateful heart.  Despite the downs and because of the downs but mostly, because of the ups.  We have had many.  And we are still here, still standing, and still a close family BECAUSE of it all.  

-Jenn

Clean House...Only Lasts So Long

• Sometimes the house is cleaner because I can't take it anymore.
• Sometimes its because I have too much on my mind and I feel utterly overwhelmed and its the most natural thing to do to procrastinate on the other stuff
• Sometimes its because I'm avoiding..........yah, that's pretty much like the second bullet, but more direct.  

Whatever the reason, its a known fact that a super clean house only lasts so long.  Like, an hour.  If that.  Literally, I'm not even close to exaggerating that.  It drives me .  Nuts I tell you.  Bonkers.  Does no one care?  Only me?  If I had a daughter, would she care?  Is it a boy thing?  Or a they think I'm the maid thing.  I personally think it's the latter.  So then I go about proving it to them and leaving it looking like hell.  Then after a chunk of time, while I'm spinning, spewing, and chewing on it all in my brain quietly pretending like I don't notice, shooting them all looks of you know what, I lose it and bam!  I cave.  In no time.  What was the point?  Is it just me?  

Ahhhhhhh.........................  if I weren't here, I wonder what this place would look like.....not like this I can tell you....

sigh...............................................

Time..Like a Whisper In Your Ear....

These are the days of our lives flashing by at warp speed but yet whispering in our ears quietly as it wisps by. If you don't stop and truly take a look at all that is going on, really absorb it, suddenly our kids are older and just like that, it's gone.  My life has been in phases, that's normal, whose life isn't in phases?  But chunked very clearly..  I want it all to mean something, to matter and to have been so worth the ride.  I think it will.  I am always thinking about how our boys will be as adults and then as parents.  That's how I parent, teaching for the ultimate thing; giving back to our world and to be loving, kind individuals because that is how they will parent too.  At least, that is the hope.

I have become of all things a gold buyer kind of part time independent consultant type thing.  Nothing to fully depend on, but helps in between.  It's been interesting and fun and absolutely brought me out of my shell even more.  Kudos for that and to all there is a reason, time, and season.  I am enjoying fully the people aspect of it and love paying folks for their old stuff because I'm telling you, in this economy, EVERYONE is hurting.  I get the joy of making people's day/s.  I would never ever have dreamed to be doing this one year ago but life does take us on twists and turns in the blink of an eye.  That, we can all say.

I've started a new site on Facebook called The Hampton Roads Trading Post.  Trying to create a venue for folks to sell/buy/trade as the aforementioned economy is spiraling and why not recycle and reuse when we can?  Doing BookFair at the Elementary School again, turning into more fun and excitement than I once thought.  Great for the kids at school, great to take something and make it work as a group, great to give back.

Lucas' birthday was this past Saturday.  He would have been nine years old.  I think in Heaven he's still a baby but part of me wonders if God doesn't let the little babies who leave our world grow up in Heaven so they can fulfill the potential they had here on Earth.  So that leads me on the wondering path...what does he look like now?  What is his personality, besides angelic?  Suddenly, I am thinking of getting the courage to upload the video of Lucas I had made for Ivan up to YouTube to maybe preserve it.  We'll see if I'm brave enough.  Just thinking of that video has me in tears now as I write, so I'm not sure there is strength in me to do that.  If so, I may link it here.

The boys.  They are my everything.  I love them so very much.  Ivan is the culmination of a strong, loving, selfless, man.  I cherish his presence in my life every day.  Every morning I bother him (well you know) with all my dreams I had the night before, all the thoughts rambling through my brain, all the love I feel for him, everything.  I do it every morning.  I likely drive him insane.  I don't care.  I want him to know how I feel and never have a doubt.  -The Oldest makes us proud and he's hilarious with his antics and humor.  He barely has to apply himself but for one class at school and while that makes me proud, it also maddens me. He is phenomenal with his trumpet too.  Already planning for the next Variety Show and what to sing this next March.  The Littlest, he's doing very well.  Math seems to be a breeze for him and he's reading above his grade level, seems to be taking it all in stride as a little first grader.  It's all about whether or not he "flipped his stick" that day.  Only happened twice so far this year, I'm sure there will be more "flipping" he's too impish for that not to happen.  :)  Both filled with utter personality and while they have their battles, I'm comforted in their friendship and love for one another even though six years apart.  I know they will forever have each other and that is a fantastic feeling.  As we know this big bad world sometimes has other plans for things so to see them get along fairly well and defend each other, rescue each other, play together, fight, yell, get through it, and do it all over again?  Melts my heart everyday.    The Oldest.  The Middlest.  The Littlest.  I don't know who I'd be if we never had them, met them, loved them, and taught them.  I really don't.  So I'm thankful for them and for a lot in my life.  Whether we have a house, don't have a house, have all the material things, the things I dream of, or don't have them, we have each other.  It sounds so trite and so coined, but nothing could be more true.  Material things, sure you can have everything but where would you put it all?  At some point, a house looks overwhelming with all of it.  I strive for simplicity, enjoyment, and love.  At the end of the day, those things, and your belief in God are all that truly matter.  Enough said.

Signed-
Thankful
Jenn

Time Heals All Wounds...

Or does it?  ---I suppose to some extent, yes, it does.  But full hearts and full eyeballs, ready to flow forth with water....sometimes, they do not heal.  They don't listen well.  They have minds of their own and they do what they like.  Sometimes.  Yes.

You know me well.  By now you know that I feel strongly when I see butterflies or even dragonflies, I think of Lucas instantly.  And I firmly believe that whatever the 'griever' thinks in their heart is the real truth of it.  So there you have it.  I know he visits us.  And we always always always say it out loud.  "Hello Lucas!"  It really matters not if others are nearby, or what they think.  I know what my soul thinks and I pray to God that Lucas knows I am thinking of him always.  I wish I were holding him now.  The feeling is strong, strong.  But then the wave ebbs and washes out to sea and it's alright again.  By now you know that I am grateful for The Oldest.  He has saved us on so many levels; time and again, even before The Littlest got here six years ago.  The Oldest is strength and sanity and the reason for all.  He is the driving force for everything to me.  Add The Littlest and really you have quite an innumerable equation...infinity and beyond for the reasons we do what we do.  The Littlest is the balance.  Together they quite drive us crazy, but in the same breath, its a crazy we crave and that makes us sane.  Without them, and the experience we had while Lucas struggled then died, we'd be no more.  Literally.  I would be gone.  Gone from this world.  I do believe that.  I have my faith in God, and those are not just words, but there is also this knowledge in my brain that knows how ragged and fluid my soul was when we lost Lucas.  I was a much more overweight wisp of a human being, hanging on a tiny thread for some understanding, some sense, some longing desire to know why we just lost our son.  Asking every other minute, 'why did he die?  why did he suffer?  why him?  why us?  WHY WHY WHY?'

Now life has smoothed.  It's like a satin sheet.  Smooth, but at the bottom where it is folded under the mattress for stability like a fulcrum point, there are wrinkles.  Those wrinkles trip me up.  I fall.  Cry.  Hurt.  Then I work really hard to move toward the top and straighten it all out again to get rid of the wrinkles.  Because we have two boys who keep us very very busy.  And fill our lives with love and happiness.  Absolutely.  Cannot and will not ever deny that.  And thankfully so.  

Material things?  Money?  The mother load of money?  It almost disgusts me, it does not drive me and I am not even really that interested in it.  I crave stability and simple happiness.  Sure, I'm a girl, and I like to shop for little things, I wouldn't be normal if not....but I have learned in all the loss we have endured that nothing else matters and when I hear others craving the money, or the gifts, it turns me off big time.  I have learned that none of it even matters one bit.  I wish I could infuse that into others.  But I know that I cannot.  It must be learned on ones own.  I cherish my boys.  I cherish the experience of taking it slow and easy and taking them all in before things change and they grow up and bam, they are gone living their own lives.  I am not interested in running them here and there and keeping them so busy they can't focus on it all.  Lucas is gone, they are here, its a fact we live with and deal with and have now pretty much accepted.  His heart condition won out, the surgeon who ruined his corrective surgery won out, and he is now in Heaven feeling much better than he likely ever did.  I pray that he knows how much we wanted him to live, to get better, and how much we love him still, always, forever.......I pray he knows that I never will forget him, and that if I'm happy, it doesn't mean I have left him in the past.  The guilt I still feel over that sometimes can consume me.  I just don't show it...because after all, after these many years, people would worry about me if they knew what I was really fretting over...so much guilt.  I feel I have let a lot of it go...and have gotten better.  But the tears flowing down my face right now prove to me that its still stuck in my heart like heavy cement.  So much guilt.  But less so.  If that makes sense.  Imagine back then the amount of guilt.  I have to let myself off the hook.  I'm still working towards that.  Work in progress...

The wounds are now scarred, but I know they are there, they only hurt intensely sometimes...but mostly I feel them all the time.  Acceptance is key.  I'm there with the acceptance; well, most of the way...I'm getting there.  

Jenn

Growing Boys

The Oldest will soon be 12. He is all of that already. He's incredibly handsome and tall and really growing up so nicely. He's musically talented and no pressure but my opinion is that he'll get a full scholarship to the school of his choice when the time comes. Maybe it's early to make that proclamation but he is ultra talented and amazes my ears almost every day with how beautifully he plays the trumpet. Following in the footsteps of his Dad. I know it makes both of us so proud. Truth is, even if he were only a quarter talented of what he is now, we'd still be very proud. Isn't it amazing how kids just gravitate to what they instinctively love and begin to fill a niche and mold in this big world? And the Littlest will likely try to follow in the footsteps of the Oldest. It's a pattern. Sort of heartwarming..but they will do what they do and we will watch and guide to help them grow.  This year he got several awards; several in band (Highest Point Award Acheived, Most Outstanding Band Student, and Superior Rating in Solo and Ensemble) and one in his 6th grade class-Clipper Leadership Award.  He almost made it through the entire year with straight A's in every class but for one B in English the first quarter.  Very successful year even though the intense transition from 5th grade was real and tangible, easily an obstacle, but one that he overcame.  --He started cutting grass last summer to earn money, save it up and be able to purchase something he set a goal for by Black Friday (the Friday after Thanksgiving) last year.  He bought in iTouch with that money.  This summer, he's doing the same, branched out a little and saving a bit more.  Not sure what he's saving for this time, maybe just saving in general, he mentioned a Net Book or Tablet, but it's up to him.  Great lessons of life. 

The Littlest is awesome. He's so little..well not really..he's a tank actually...but little compared to his big brother. Full to the brim with life and enthusiasim for everything.  He's athletically inclined and just plows through everything in front of him. Except bugs. A tiny fly? A little clicky clicky bug? Suddenly he's full of fear. Hmmmmmmm, reminiscent of someone else I know. He is very smart and figures things out quickly giving tons of love along the way. He's recently begun to show interest in these tiny Legos and leaving the trains behind.  Oh how that breaks my heart.  The trains were a sign that he was still my little "baby".  No more.  And to accentuate that, he's not my "baby" anymore either.  He takes every opportunity to tell me that too.  His heart is huge and he shows it in lots of ways.  He tries to take care of his big brother. If he gets a Capri Sun or snack, he always gets an extra for the Oldest.  Sweet boy. Always thinking of the Oldest. -summertime means their birthdays. Another year passing. Another year filled with pride as we reminisce over their achievements.  The Littlest got a reading award this year, he reads fluently and above his grade level.  He took a test for the Gifted program and only missed points needed by two.  Wonder what First Grade will bring for him.  Good things...regardless of the teacher, he's well equipped to be successful. 

These boys give us purpose and hope. We are protective over them in all things safety BUT we have looser hands when it comes to their learning.  I don't micromanage in that area and I think it has paid off.  It gives them latitude to make mistakes and learn responsibility.  Many times the Littlest has reminded me of something that is due and he does it before it's due.  He's only five.  I think the hands in but hands off approach with learning is the way to go.  Not hounding, not checking every page and problem of their homework (how will they learn if I make it perfect for them?) just being in the know and involved but not up their bums about it.  I pray no matter what comes they can read these words and know how intensely they were and are loved. We say "I love you" a lot in our little family. I hope they carry that with them always. I hope they know that love will conquer all-in good times or bad,that without it, life will feel shallow. With it, life feels full and meaningful. Hopefully we are teaching them that. Soon at 12 and 6, they will present funny situations, serious ones, ups and downs, silliness, and somberness. Everything in between. I'm very much looking forward all of the moments we will cherish, create, and hold close in this next year.  It's going to be a BIG year!  :)

Jenn

Nacho Libre

You know, this movie has really altered our lives.  I kid you not.  We were introduced to it about a year and a half ago by my youngest sister.  She had gone to Mexico for two weeks or so and came back with some stuff for the kids and us, which included those masks those high flying Mexican wrestlers wear

like this..

And oh the boys ate it up.  They immediately became high flying Mexican wrestlers.  We have pictures and everything.  It made me laugh my big big laugh, the really loud laugh that makes everyone uncomfortable?  Yep, that one.  She also brought this movie for them to watch that night, Nacho Libre.  Little did she (or any of us) know it would be such a hit, particularly with my boys (and me!) that she'd have to leave it here.  I think they watched it no less than five times in the next 24-48 hours.  Laughing at the same parts as if they'd never seen them before.  Me too.  At some point I realized that I'd have to buy our own copy as it was fast becoming a classic in this household and we couldn't hold hostage her movie any longer.  We all began to memorize the lines of the movie, all the scenes.  It was scary I think.  Funny.  Hilarious.  But probably really scary.  Scary that we all thought this silly movie was so flippin' funny.  Scary that we kept watching it over and over.  All four of us. 

We started to You Tube the songs of the movie.  Then we found other stuff where people had hilariously acted out the best scenes of this silly movie and we'd watch them and compare and laugh all over again. 

"Watch this one!"  "Wait, wait, watch this one!  It's so funny!" and on and on it went.  I don't know.  I can't explain it.  Maybe it's best explained in two words:  Jack Black.  The guy is downright hysterical.  He's deadpan on the funniest moments and that alone splits my sides.  Then all the funny schmack he says in this movie, oh I could quote the lines...but I won't bore you. 

There's this one song, Encarnacion, that he sings.  The Littlest replaces words in it left and right.  And if you've never seen the movie, it won't make sense but one of the latter lines in the song says, "Then we break our vows together" (yes, makes no sense, very silly, but hence, the whole flippin' movie...) and the Littlest says every single time, "we break our jaws together" and every time he sings it that way I die.  Like all over again, laughing, laughing, laughing, like I'm hearing it for the first time.  Who would want to break their jaws?  And break them together?  It doesn't even DAWN on him that he's singing it the wrong way.  Or the hilarity of words he's singing.  He just sings it and thinks that's right.  It cracks me up.

How close we all are can simply be measured by this silly movie.  Hard to explain.  We all just get it.  We all happen to think it's pretty dang funny (pretty dang exciting huh?) and there you go.  Nothing further need to be explained.  Just one of those silly things that you 'had to be there for' in the beginning or you'd never get it or think it's as funny as we clearly falling on the floor laughing do.  The guy is funny.  He's pretty frickin' hilarious.  I must say.

Parenting is TOUGH!

To stick to what you say, to the consequences you set, is sometimes the most tiring, difficult and draining thing in the world.  However, I firmly believe that if I set a limit, or my honey sets a limit, we MUST stick to it.  Otherwise, they won't take us seriously, and it sends a signal that they are in charge and anything goes.

My goal

SO when I say to the Littlest, "If you hit, punch, or kick your brother again, you will go to your room for five minutes!" (and this is not a relatively harsh punishment, I acknowledge) and he hits, punches, or kicks his brother, then I absolutely MUST follow through with what I said.  I don't try to help him weasel out by asking what the circumstances were, or sticking it to the Oldest for how he might have incited the physical outburst from the Littlest, I simply enforce what I said.  And that, initiates all out war.  The Littlest yells, cries, fights like heck going to his room.  After 5-8 minutes of that battle and getting him into this room, I lay down the parameters and he is SO angry.  Oh he is spitfire and so very independent.  That is an understatement.  As I leave his room (three times in two days) he is yelling and screaming and its bad.  But I calmly leave and have said what I needed to say.  He absolutely cannot stand being in his room as a punishment and loses it.  As he yells from his room over and over again, missing the point of his presence (as a normal four year old would) there, I try to remain calm but feel the angst rising, rising.  He yells, "I want out of this room!! I want out of this room!"  over and over and over and over again.  I tune him out for a bit but then I'm not made of steel, and I slowly walk back to his room and close his door, which further incites him.  The only words I say then are, "please stop crying or I will close this door" and finally, he gets it.  Quiet.  So then I simply say, "the longer you yell and cry, the longer you'll be in here, your five minutes will begin when you quiet down."  ---"sniff sniff", wiping tears with back of hands, he looks at me and he gives me a fraction of a pseudo smile (and I do mean a fraction of a fraction) and I knew then I had gotten through to him. 

As the next few moments passed with silence in the house, I knew he was thinking about what he did.  I didn't even make him wait a whole five minutes, I waited  long enough that probably felt like five minutes to him, and went in his room.  We talked quietly about how to use his words instead of his actions and he said he understood and gave me a hug.  He went downstairs to give his brother a hug and apologize.  I think all of that took a good solid 20-25 minutes maybe...very very draining.  It would have been WAY easier to not make him go to his room.  You have no idea.  But I didn't give him the easy way out, what would that accomplish?  Nothing.  This was the first of three very similar incidents lately.  So even though he said he understood, hugged me and all ended well, this happened two more times.  I wonder how many times it will take till he gets it?  I suppose it doesn't matter.  I told him this same exact thing will happen every time he acts out against his brother but now I have added a twist.  As my husband has pointed out, the Littlest keeps getting in trouble, but the Oldest who likely behind the scenes starts trouble out of our line of vision can't seem to manuever out of the muddy waters.  It always ends poorly.  Here's my twist...the next time this happens they BOTH get in trouble and go to their room.  The announcement of this brings shock and disbelief from the Oldest.  The nerve!  WT?  Not fair!  Why?  Whatever!  Mmm hmmm.  Now we have something that might stick.  We shall see.

The things that are guiding me.....stay calm (yes my voice gets loud, and I get upset but in my head, I'm talking myself through it and I remain as calm as I can in the situation), stay consistent, and follow through.  He hugs me every time.  I know he loves me madly.  I also know he is a little bull and has an extremely hot temper.  He did NOT get that from his Daddy.  I suppose maybe he got it from me but I'd have to ask my mom, I don't even think I was that hot headed when I was little.  We are in for it.  I know that.  Hopefully if I set the rules in stone now, it won't be as bad later.  If we are proactive and prep now, maybe by then, when the wild and wooly 12-16 years come, it'll be better.  He's not bad, and for others, he's pretty well behaved.  This is the true side of the Littlest when we are all at home and he is in his comfort/safe zone.  The real Littlest.  :)  I love him so, or I wouldn't be doing all this.  That is for sure. 

Sometimes I just take a deep breath and get through it.  Hold on for the ride and have faith in the Lord.  In the end, it works.  At the end of the day, that's all I can really ask for, and I PRAY they appreciate it later.  Both he and the Oldest, I pray they do.  Its not easy and while they think I'm mean now, I hope later, they understand why..and I hope they see the pieces of my heart all over them because that's how much I love them.

Time Is Flying!

So my honey just got a jury notice; he is commanded to appear several times in the next two months for possible jury selection.  I did this before when we lived in Hampton and I've yet to be called for York County.  He will get way into this, he'll have stories galore and he won't mind it.  When I did it, I was in agony, bored, didn't want to be there, doing my civic duty, how horrible is that?  I ended up sitting on a jury about a woman who was suing someone who hit her.  We found for the defendant.  She was not happy.  I ended up passing her in a car about half an hour after the case was finalized and we were all free to go.  When I looked over to my left and saw her and her husband, she was GLARING at me.  We were nowhere near the courthouse, in fact, rather far from it.  What are the chances??  Thank God the light turned green simultaneously and I was off like a shot.  Too close for comfort.  --So he's up for all that drama and jazz.  Can't wait to see what it brings.

This summer is almost halfway over and we've had fun so far.  Parties coming up, lots of planning, lots of things to look forward to, even if on a super mack daddy tight budget.  But seriously people, who isn't on a tight budget these days?  The way of the world.  Or the way of my world. 

I look at the Littlest and he's grown signifiicantly in a matter of 5-6 months.  Amazing.  He's absolutely beyond toddler, baby has been LONG gone, and little boy is definitely here.  We are in the middle of Phase Kid.  And the Oldest?  He's a man.  Well, he's not a MAN, but he's as TALL as a man!  And his feet are BOATS.  Scarier yet.....the two of them laying side by side are only a foot different than each other height wise.  If things could slow down a tad, that would work for me.  They laugh and make things up and have their own phrases and sometimes I get what they're saying and other times I'm totally clueless.  Ok, maybe a lot I'm totally clueless.  :)  I think the Littlest drives a lot of what goes on and sometimes if I didn't know any better, I'd think he wears the pants in that sibling relationship!  It's heartwarming to watch them maneuver through stuff.  Whether fighting, making up, getting along, whispering stuff they never want us to hear (Lord only KNOWS what that could be...) or watching their favorite Selena Gomez videos together.....it's awesome to watch them..to watch them grow. 

Off to cleaning, organizing, laundry and preparing.  Being proactive.  mmmmm hhmmmm.  You heard me.  P.R.O.A.C.T.I.V.E.

Let's see how long THAT lasts......

The Littlest's Big Adventure

Last week I was in NC on a business trip.  I had called to check in with the boys and got no answer.  Rang and rang and rang.  I knew something was wrong.  I was right.  Something WAS wrong.  The Littlest ran his hand along a wooden railing (playing with a soccer ball balancing it and rolling it) and got a 1/2" thick wooden shard going through the tip of his ring finger horizontally.  His Daddy took him to the Med Express and they wouldn't remove it; too many nerve endings.  It needed to be removed surgically.  So the next morning, that is exactly what happened.  Surgery!

At the age of four, he didn't cry.  Not ever.  Not when it happened, not when he went to Med Express, not when he went for the surgery, not even when he woke up from the anesthsia.  He had anxiety but the story is, no tears.  ---So for the last week, he's been walking around with his left hand all bandaged up.  The doctor today said keep the stitches in for another four days, and we thought he'd get them out today.  The thing about him is he's just so full of wonder and spunk and takes things as they come.  Hmmmmmmmmmmmm.  

Think that's a comfortable mix of my honey and me.  I have a sneaky feeling, this big adventure is just the start of it all.  I've said this before, can someone inject a small dose of fear in the boy?  A little bit of fear has got to be a healthy thing.  Eh?

What if....

What if Lucas had lived?  What would he have been like?  Would we be tied to hospital visits and grown so close to doctors they'd have been like family?  Would Lucas be silly?  Would his smile have knocked my socks off?  Would we be ten times more overprotective than we already are? 

I know this.  He's the missing link.  The puzzle piece that is gaping wide open sometimes.  To describe how full our lives are would be impossible.  The Oldest and Littlest are FULL of life and happiness and mischeif and they bring so much pure joy to our lives.  Don't get me wrong.  They do.  To the nth degree. 

I remember holding him so close to me that morning.  He was so hungry and he was tired and I just held him.  We took pictures.  Not sure why we did that.  But we did.  I'm glad we did.  God's hand.  I remember him perfectly, vividly, his intense eyes. 

Just allow me this.  Sometimes I need to rant and be angry.  Still.  After seven years...still I need that.  We are the parents of three boys.  Not just two.  Three.  I want to yell that from the rooftop sometimes.  Handing over a six month old sweet baby boy to the OR nurse and never seeing him like that again, only fighting for his life for the next four months, sometimes I cannot believe it all happened.  It did.  It so did.

Yesterday the Littlest asked me what day he was going to die.  The breath was immediately sucked from me.  I was tying his shoes at the time and the tears stung my eyes.  The Oldest was standing nearby.  I handled all calmly so he could not see the storm of emotions in me, or my eyes..my words were calm and reassuring.  My heart was shrinking and my thoughts were racing.  It's not the first time he's asked me that, and I suppose to some end, kids at this age wonder about things like that, things that are bigger than them.  Add to that he knows he has another brother that he has never met and is in a place we all call Heaven.  He cannot imagine that--and why should he be able to?  I don't even want him to worry about things like that.  And when the topic comes up typically I am general and vague and fluff fluff fluff.  But he still knows what he knows.  The other stuff....I try to smooth it over.  At least for now.  Later, when he's able to understand more...that's different.  Even given all of that, he still asks questions about dying.  Maybe all kids do.  It just hurts when mine do. 

I love my boys more than I could ever describe or say.  And parenting is never easy.  Its hard and trying but fun and fulfilling.  It's the best of everything and sometimes the worst of everything.  I wouldn't trade anything, none of it.  Well, maybe I would trade one thing.  But irony of all ironies, I can't trade it.   We were handed what we were handed.  What is it they say?  I've heard it once or twice before.... If God brings you to it, God will bring you through it. 

He will and in some ways, He already has.  I just need my moments to be mad.  And cry.  Puffy eyes and all, I've had my moment for the day.  I know His grace is there.  It's quite twisted you know.  It really is.

Playing

Listening to the boys play basketball. The Oldest has a friend over and they are literally going from one thing to the next. Having a great time. The Littlest keeps asking them to turn the TV down, it truly sounds like they are playing a real basketball game...or I take that back, it truly sounds like we are sitting in an arena watching a live game. It's loud. Then you hear this little voice, "Can you guys turn it down please?" He's even got the manners goin' on! :)

Just a nice easy Saturday. Getting ready to do the meat for hamburgers. Hamburgers and hotdogs, macaroni and cheese, spiced apples...and maybe some chips or something. Easy.

Tonight we'll watch Pirates of the Carribean, maybe a marathon. Better get crackin.

PS on a totally random side note...all this working out better start paying off soon. I'm proud of myself for doing all this and some better results would be a much better incentive to continue on this track. I'm just sayin'.

-J

First Day of School 2009-2010

Here they are. My goodness. I sure do have my big girl boots on. Watching them grow up is wonderful, awesome, and fun. Sometimes I let my emotions get the best of me and get sad. No more babies. Growing up. It's a good thing. Right? Right.

I remember....

-I remember getting up almost every hour or two each night and rocking you in the rocking chair in your room. Looking out between the shades and the window through that just big enough crack that I could peek out into the dead of night to see what I could see. Usually nothing. Usually all houses had all lights out and the night sky was as dark as dark could be but I was like a cat ready to pounce on a mouse for any activity as you ate and fell asleep in my arms.
-I remember feeling like a zombie many nights and days with little to no sleep as I tried to keep up with your demands on the world. The demands that only a baby could make on a mamma. The demands that a newborn makes on everyone around him. Sometimes I felt like I was sleeping with my eyes open but with a smile on my face, endurance was key.
-I remember your cry. I remember that you didn't do it that much so when you did, I paid prompt attention. Something was wrong. You were never a baby who was overly fussy. You're like that today too. It followed you to 'fourdom'. When you cry, I stop what I'm doing and get to you. You're a tough kid. I've seen you take a fall that made me cringe and get up and quickly say "I'm ok Mom" and never skip a beat.
-I remember how I loved holding you. And listening to your coo's. And how you grew so fast. Faster than I thought possible. And now, I look around, and I realize, there are no more babies in this house. All the pacy's are gone. All the diapers and pull ups are long gone. The baby bottles seem like a million years ago, did you ever drink them? Yes, of course you did. The sweet babbles and adorable baby laugh....thing of the past. To be cherished of course, but no longer around.
-I remember how I thought I could not love you more, I loved you so much when you were tiny. I thought I loved you more than any mother loved any other baby or child. I was wrong. I love you more now. Is it possible? Yes, I think it is. To have watched you turn into a rambunctious kid who goes to the fine line and back, gives his older brother a run for his money, a kid who doesn't mind sharing and uses his manners pretty good for a kid his age, it makes my heart proud. You're going to be ok Little one, I really think you will.

The Littlest has turned four today and we made a day of it. The beach for a few hours, a swim in the pool to cool down after, and Mexican for dinner with a little cake at home to top it all off, I'd say that was a wonderful family filled day all to celebrate you and your little life. I can't wait to see what the next year brings for you. I'm sure you'll try to keep up with your big brother the whole time. Love that. Love you.

Mamma.

These Boys

I am loving these boys getting along today. Laughing and laughing hard with each other. I keep trying to listen in to their conversations but I can't ever catch what it is. Sometimes they get along fabulously and laugh with each other for days then the next moment they are screaming and fighting and instigating beyond belief. This morning was chores, they helped out 110% and I thanked them. Encouraging that kind of behavior, loving all the getting along while it's here because my LORD in the blink of an eye it's OVA!

Guess that's how it is with siblings. I know. I know. I cherish the happy and grit my teeth for the other stuff. Teach them to respect and love and get through the brother stuff. Like Tammy said the other day, boys do say the funniest things. And they DO the funniest things. I mean, sometimes, I just sit there with my jaw hanging open like, 'did he just do that?'..yep, he did. He really did.

Long time ago, almost 20 years ago now, my honey told me to get ready for the ride of my life. He had no idea what he was saying when he said that. It really has been. I can tell, its not even close to being over. Like it. Love it. Cherish it. Very often I ache for the missing one, my missing puzzle piece, the gap in my heart...but I'm so very lucky to have these boys, and they keep our lives very full. Cry for a second and then get sucked like a vacuum into the here and now where I belong. As it should be.

Mack Daddy Prize; Quick Kid Clean Up

Who knows where this idea came from. My brain. In the deepest, darkest, depths of my brain. I really think it came from desparation. I looked around the downstairs of our house and realized there were tiny toys, big toys, toys everywhere. I.had.had.enough. I got two big tupperware bowls out and I called the troops in. Oldest and Littlest, come here. Blew the whistle and gave the command.


"There will be a contest" I declared.


They came running (really, they actually did). I gave the rules.


1. You have two minutes to pick up as many toys and items that you can. If its on the floor, you can pick it up. DVD covers, paper, it all counts.

2. Whoever collects the most items in this bowls gets a Mack Daddy Prize (imagine four little eyeballs lighting up).

3. Ready Set Go!


And they were off. It was like a miracle. It was Heaven to my eyes. They were happily and very quickly picking up their mess; unwittingly and without yelling or forceful voices they were cleaning up the little blah blah that is always part of the scenery around here. At the end of the two minutes, the downstairs looked like a normal house. Sort of clean, void of all the little 'cratcha' that you get used to in the day to day sometimes when things are busy. Just like that. In two minutes. Like magic. Then I panicked. OMG what will the Mack Daddy Prize BE? I had no idea. Think quick. It can't be a hug or kiss (like normal) they'll be FURIOUS. It can't be a piece of chocolate. This first time was so successful, I had to set a precedent. So in the FUTURE I could give a hug or kiss or piece of chocolate as a prize THEN. I had to make it good so when we do this really productive very fun task AGAIN, they'd be more apt to cooperate. :) And on cue the Littlest was latching on to my leg, "Mamma, Mamma, what is the Mack Daddy Prize do I get a Mack Daddy Prize????" This all happened so fast, I did not properly think ahead. To buy time I made a big to do about sitting down and counting the items to see who "won" (and think fast on a prize). First I made them give me their eyes, made sure I had their attention, and told them what they just did. Do Daddy and I play with toys? No! Who plays with toys, raise your hand. Their hands go up in 1.2 seconds. Yes, that's right kiddos, you guys just picked up your own mess, that you made, with your own hands. Grin! Again, it all happened so fast, they barely knew what they were doing and it was all dawning on them now. Grins all around. A huge 'aha' moment for them.

So then I begin counting the items in each bowl. Lo and behold, they each picked up 25 things. 25 things!!!!!! There were 50 little things here and there, tucked in corners, under chairs, in plain sight, all throughout our downstairs. That is amazing to me! Back to reality, now I realize I had to come up with 2 Mack Daddy Prizes. Thank GOD in the car, I had a bag of goodies which was supposed to be for a work meeting upcoming ( I know I need to replace them, no worries :)) and I ran out to get them. Came in and saved the day with a prize in each hand from the Dollar Tree. Happy happy joy joy all around. I have two bowls of little tiny toys that either need to be put away or tossed out (at my discretion if junk) but I love that I have two bowls of Already.Picked.Up.Toys.

Oh I can promise you, we WILL be doing this little task frequently around here. It works for US! My husband shot me a "great job" when all was done. That just sealed the deal. :)

Growing More..

Park, picnic, nature trails, running them till even we got tuckered out. But man, look how they are growing. It amazes me every day. Truly does. In particular, the Oldest. He has morphed before my eyes. Yesterday he said, "Mom, I'll be the mature one, ok? I'll help you." I was stunned. He thinks like that? Growing up. They both are.

-J

Fun Times

Here we all are at Chuck E Cheese. Funny angles but it's a little tongue in cheek anyway, isn't it? We took the boys to CEC on Valentines Day. What were we thinking? Well, we were thinking how much they'd love it. And they did. Me, notsomuch but them, yes. It was my honey's idea. He's good like that.

Tonight we did a fun thing and had breakfast for dinner and to add to that, we had a picnic in the living room. The only thing missing was our PJ's. Should've had those on.

Lots on my mind lately but good stuff. Will come back later to let it all out. The Littlest is yelling and I must go intervene. Phewy.

-J

Fantastic Weekend.

I am looking forward to more games with the boys. Football season 2009 will be fun. We have season passes to a local college who is doing their start up program this year. I think the Littlest is starting to come around to listening a bit better in public, not running away, and understanding he has to stay close even though deep in his heart he is a very free soul. I'm hoping as the summer comes and goes, that will improve even more. He did well at the b ball game the other night so I think good things are on their way in that department.

Had lots of fun. Today was nice too. My honey's birthday was yesterday so we've been showering him with lots and lots of love and treats this weekend. The cheapy things are the best I think. Maybe when our bank account overfloweth the expensive things will be fun then too but for now, we are thankful for any little thing.

Not digging Bruce Springsteen for half time. He was good, he did what he does best but I'm just not that into him. Which brings me to the movie I want to see, "He's Just Not That Into You". Can't wait.

Ok I've rambled long enough. Happy Birthday Ivan. I love you to the moon and stars. Always.

Jenn

The Keyboard

Well thank you Santa! Thank you SO MUCH for bringing this awesome keyboard into our house for the Oldest. My goodness, it is the source of much joy, much music, much MAYHEM, and thousands of ARGUMENTS already. And a month has barely passed since he got it.

Whatever the Oldest has, the Littlest must have too. We're in luck! The Littlest got a Melissa and Doug bang 'em out piano last year so wala! He can just use that one along side his big brother; right? Wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong. They argue over that thing and it really has come to be the source of much drama. They are learning to play songs, thanks to their Daddy who patiently shows them the way and so it's a competition. I feel bad because the gift was for the Oldest and the Littlest does have his own but they both want the same thing. So I mediate and often bargain with one to help the other and so it goes with siblings I suppose.

Tonight, we were all upstairs and the Oldest wanted to put on a 'show' with the latest little song he taught himself. So we all three are the audience and the Littlest sat patiently and clapped at all the right moments but when it was all over, he wanted to mimic his older brother. The Oldest did not really want to give him the keyboard but he did, with a little prodding from the peanut gallery. It was agreed just one song for the Littlest as it was bedtime anyway. One song turned into two songs (his version of 'songs'-but note he can play first verse of Jingle Bells for real) and then it got out of hand. As the Oldest literally was trying to pull the keyboard from the Littlest as he played (as.he.played) one thing led to another and there was a tantrum, tears, slamming doors and a very stubborn nine year old stomping down the hallway to his room. Gracious. The Littlest followed his brother to his room and slammed the door. Gasp. What in the world? My husband went to the door and listened and it went something like this:

Oldest: Next time if you want to play with MY keyboard you just have to ask nicely (but he was saying it in a baby voice which he has been known to do when talking to the Littlest even though he's three)
Littlest: Talk like a big boy (in a commanding voice)!
(insert loads of laughter from my husband and I who stood outside with our ears to the door) then...the door opens and the Littlest stands there giving us a very forlorn look like 'how dare you be standing there listening to us!' and he slams the door again. To which my husband and I fall into fits of laughter again (PPS, I know, I know). My honey says to me, "we are ants in their world and they crush us" and that made me laugh harder. I needed this laughing. I have needed it. So basically we are listening outside the door and they are working it out, talking like big boys and wala, whaddya know? The door opens calmly and I say to them great job for talking it out (no laughing anymore you'll be pleased to know) and I high five them both. They give each other hugs and kisses and I give them more praise about way to go, great job working it out blah blah they feel all wonderful and all is well.

The keyboard. It's given us great smiles and happiness. Lots of laughs. Lots of fights. And plenty of tears. I wonder if it will even make it past month two. I will not be surprised if it gets broken in a tug of war. Sometimes I think we need the Super Nanny around here. Really. I would welcome her with open arms. Even if she told me after an assessment that we are normal, I'd be thrilled to know that. Because something way down deep tells me we are not. Just a small voice. Tiny. Little little............barely a squeak...wait, I can't hear it anymore, ok it's gone. We're normal then. Phew.