Worth the Chance?

Do you have a lot of friends? How do you view friendship? I mean real, true, friendship. Not just a next door neighbor you chat with on occasion. Not just a PTA buddy you have come to know. Someone you really relate with, someone you can tell anything to...that kind of friendship. Do you think friendship involves heart? Big heart? Understanding, forgivness, letting that person into places of you that you let no others see? All of that? None of that? Are you cavalier with your friends and friendships? Do you normally befriend people who are just like you? Nothing like you? A little like you?

I don't know. I mean, I do know. But I don't. Becoming someone's friend, a true friend, someone I call a "friend" is HUGE to me. It's not something I am flip about at all, not in the very least. I don't have that many. I'm ok with that. More than ok. I like it that way. Sad for me-huh? Right. I know. So maybe sometimes I come off as snooty or stuck up. I'm not. In the least. But I suspect that from time to time, others might think it. Because I'm too busy walking by too fast and pretending I can't see you trying to make eye contact or be friendly. I'm too busy building my wall extra strong so you can't get through. Sad for me-huh? Right. I know. Somehow, it's engrained in me. Don't ask. It's a long story. If I call you my friend, it's forever in my mind. And as long as it took to happen, however long it took me to trust you or learn to allow you in to "me" (cause right now, it's all about me as I'm writing, just bear with me, please just humor me here) if I ever get the vibe that I was wrong to trust or I was wrong to let the person in, I'm done, I'm gone, I'm outta there. Sad for me-huh? Right. I know.

It's not that no one is allowed to make mistakes (good Lord, look at me, I'm full of them, on an almost constant basis) but it's more about me not getting hurt anymore. It's called a very very thick layer of protection. I've had enough, thankyouverymuch, I've had enough hurt for a long time from other things in my life, starting with I suppose, when my parents divorced and my Dad left---learning to deal with that as a little girl and adapting to change even that young. I'm not great at much, and adapting to change is still one I struggle with, I have overcome it, I do it, but I feel it for a moment before moving on. I'm a gracious person, but just one that knows when to cut and run. Even if it's only in my mind. I can cut and run and still be looking the person straight in the face. Sad for me-huh? Right. I know.

I have this friend. It is not easy. She is gold. I'm sure I make it very hard on her end too. I'm sure lots of times she has probably wanted to simply be done and walk away. I am figuring out it takes work. --And not to mention, we are in some ways very alike (both direct and yearn for control in most if not all situations), and in some ways very different. Hey, this is probably not an unusual thing for friends (or even husbands/wives) so what's the point? I am not really sure what the point is. I've been mullilng and tossing and turning every single point of our last conversations over and over and over in my mind and as usual she shows me things even when she is not aware. Reveals things about myself and who I am, and what is to come in my life. She probably doesn't even know it.

If you think after reading any of the above that I am a selfish and a sad person, one who is a hermitty poor soul who won't allow herself the gifts of humanity or friendship with ease, one who isn't living life to its full potential, well then you'll be proud to know that I'm not done here. I'm not done with her or our friendship, I do think it's worth the chance and the risk of getting hurt and I'm not giving up. I only hope she thinks the same. I guess only time will tell.

.....j