40

By the time I'm forty, I will weigh less, be in better health, be able to do slow jogs without passing out, I will be in better shape. I've been working on it since the beginning of the month.

Let it be written, let it be said. Make it so. And all that jazz. I'll give little updates here/there as I continue on this track.

-J

Playing

Listening to the boys play basketball. The Oldest has a friend over and they are literally going from one thing to the next. Having a great time. The Littlest keeps asking them to turn the TV down, it truly sounds like they are playing a real basketball game...or I take that back, it truly sounds like we are sitting in an arena watching a live game. It's loud. Then you hear this little voice, "Can you guys turn it down please?" He's even got the manners goin' on! :)

Just a nice easy Saturday. Getting ready to do the meat for hamburgers. Hamburgers and hotdogs, macaroni and cheese, spiced apples...and maybe some chips or something. Easy.

Tonight we'll watch Pirates of the Carribean, maybe a marathon. Better get crackin.

PS on a totally random side note...all this working out better start paying off soon. I'm proud of myself for doing all this and some better results would be a much better incentive to continue on this track. I'm just sayin'.

-J

Losing Weight

--Is hard.
--Is overwhelming.
--Is necessary.
--Is easy to put off.
--Is frustrating.
--Is lonely.
--Is worth it.
--Will happen.
--Must happen.

I truly realize that I'm ok with me but also truly realize that I'm not ok with me. Sometimes I think I am thin and that is a very funny thought in the next breath because it's quite obvious I am not thin. It's a trick I play on myself in my mind. It allows me to function and be happy. I look at myself in the mirror, when I can stand to, and suck in my tummy and say to myself, "see? I'm fine, look how great I look." and keep on moving.

--Walking is hard.
--Sticking to a routine is harder.
--Watching what I eat and ensuring I am on a healthy path is hard to commit to.

It's time. It's time to stop complaining. To make myself proud of me. To show myself I can do it, that I am worth it. That my boys, all of them, are worth it. I will push the cloud away and take the first step. I can't wait for someone to help me. No one will. I have got to help myself. I have got to help myself. I have got to help myself.

No more excuses. After all these years, the up and downs, the just skating by, I deserve to be the best me I can. Maybe the irony will be when all is said and done that I already am the best me I can be. Because I doubt that statement, because I'm not sure if that is true, I will try again. I will try to be better. To see what the truth is. I don't know the answer. So I will seek it out. It's hard to be the size I am when many of the folks I am around most days are thinner, healthier (well, not all that are thinner are healthier, some eat worse, far worse than me so their insides may not be the picture of health), and can wear almost anything they want. Or do almost anything they want. But I get by. I've been ok with it. Sometimes I tell myself it is what it is. And that makes it ok. Right? We all have to be a size. Right? Someone said to me the other day, "only a dog wants a bone" and it was said to help me feel better about me. Not intentional but enabling in a way. It was said with all the love in that person's heart. The person who said it looks up to me, loves me I think. But I have not been able to stop saying that in my head since it was said to me and it has made me spiral. The only thing I heard when it was said was this----"I am enabling you to continue on this path". And I know it was not meant that way one iota. But that is still what I heard.

Maybe I don't think I deserve anything better and I subconciously stay this way, make it harder for myself, put obstacles in my way and procrastinate on purpose. Maybe I think I deserve bad things. Maybe a tiny fraction of a part of me does think that. There you go. Maybe so. Blah blah blah.

I will do something in spite of that and push the negative away and invite the positive in. Need that. I'm putting this out there because now I can't take it back. Now I have to do something.

--We shall see if I can live up to it. I will try my best. This time, it has to be, tomorrow is today and today it's time.

jenn

Weight; Again

I am done. I look around, all around me and signs signs signs. Done. Done done done. I don't care how I do it. I really don't. Probably not healthy but I don't care. I'm in that zone again. Done.

Glad I got that off my chest.

Did I mention I am done? Kay. Wasn't sure. Finito. C'est fait. Gjort. Hands in the air walk away done. Spit. Clap your hands. It's a deal. Mark the day.

Your Perception IS Your Reality

It's funny. Not really Ha Ha funny, but you know, amusing in a suttle understated kind of way......how you have one perception of yourself and the reality is one entirely different thing? Ok. I THINK I like how I look. How far I've come, I have lost this slow weight, and sometimes I look in the mirror and actually am happy with what I see. Really? I wouldn't say I think I've no further to go.....I totally know I'm still overweight, see me down there, trying to do the splits? I'll get it one day....

Kidding, only kidding, this is not me up there but some days, I look in the mirror and I think that is me....yet other days I feel I look like a beautiful runway model (ok notsomuch but you know, better than the gal above doing the splits...) Now the tall thin chick above her? I can't get her picture down here quite right but you see her, up there, looking all you know, in a suit, all thin and what no? Kay. Yes, I'm being very sarcastic all the way around, but you get the idea.

Then you see yourself in a picture and the whole balloon gets deflated. I'll keep at it, I have to, I'm not going back that's for sure. I look in the mirror, I think I like how my body is changing but looking at it through the lens of another, phew. Depressing for a second. What's the lesson here? Don't go gettin' a big head? Right. Lots farther to go. Stay tuned. Maybe by summer or summers end, I'll do an update (good grief, maybe sooner..)

Ugh. But un ugh. :)

Jenn

Little by Little

Bit by bit, small bits of weight are coming off. It's slow but I'm sticking in there. Increasing activity, and on a schedule now, well, will be, walked twice this week and try to walk fast as possible, but could go faster, now I will.

I'm feeling ok about what I slowly seem to be accomplishing. Some control over some small thing in my life. More than anything, it's maybe about that.

So go little? Maybe not "little" but, littler, less than, healthier than before, I suppose it's a start. You know?

--j