Losing Weight

--Is hard.
--Is overwhelming.
--Is necessary.
--Is easy to put off.
--Is frustrating.
--Is lonely.
--Is worth it.
--Will happen.
--Must happen.

I truly realize that I'm ok with me but also truly realize that I'm not ok with me. Sometimes I think I am thin and that is a very funny thought in the next breath because it's quite obvious I am not thin. It's a trick I play on myself in my mind. It allows me to function and be happy. I look at myself in the mirror, when I can stand to, and suck in my tummy and say to myself, "see? I'm fine, look how great I look." and keep on moving.

--Walking is hard.
--Sticking to a routine is harder.
--Watching what I eat and ensuring I am on a healthy path is hard to commit to.

It's time. It's time to stop complaining. To make myself proud of me. To show myself I can do it, that I am worth it. That my boys, all of them, are worth it. I will push the cloud away and take the first step. I can't wait for someone to help me. No one will. I have got to help myself. I have got to help myself. I have got to help myself.

No more excuses. After all these years, the up and downs, the just skating by, I deserve to be the best me I can. Maybe the irony will be when all is said and done that I already am the best me I can be. Because I doubt that statement, because I'm not sure if that is true, I will try again. I will try to be better. To see what the truth is. I don't know the answer. So I will seek it out. It's hard to be the size I am when many of the folks I am around most days are thinner, healthier (well, not all that are thinner are healthier, some eat worse, far worse than me so their insides may not be the picture of health), and can wear almost anything they want. Or do almost anything they want. But I get by. I've been ok with it. Sometimes I tell myself it is what it is. And that makes it ok. Right? We all have to be a size. Right? Someone said to me the other day, "only a dog wants a bone" and it was said to help me feel better about me. Not intentional but enabling in a way. It was said with all the love in that person's heart. The person who said it looks up to me, loves me I think. But I have not been able to stop saying that in my head since it was said to me and it has made me spiral. The only thing I heard when it was said was this----"I am enabling you to continue on this path". And I know it was not meant that way one iota. But that is still what I heard.

Maybe I don't think I deserve anything better and I subconciously stay this way, make it harder for myself, put obstacles in my way and procrastinate on purpose. Maybe I think I deserve bad things. Maybe a tiny fraction of a part of me does think that. There you go. Maybe so. Blah blah blah.

I will do something in spite of that and push the negative away and invite the positive in. Need that. I'm putting this out there because now I can't take it back. Now I have to do something.

--We shall see if I can live up to it. I will try my best. This time, it has to be, tomorrow is today and today it's time.

jenn