Beauty

Beauty can be found anywhere. Sometimes when you don't even want to see it, when you are mad at the world, if you try just a little bit, squint your eyes, you can see it. Through all the crap, through all the pity parties, and the crying in your beer, it's still there. It's this. It's can you open your eyes wide enough, can you pretend for one moment, is it quite possible that you are worth seeing it? Without complaining or whining or even surmising just a fraction that life sucks or it could be so much better, know that you are worth it. Worth seeing the beauty in life.

Blah blah blah right? Oh always the big picture thinker. Always so much to say. The police of the world is on her pedestal again. Maybe. Maybe not. Forgive me this because as I witnessed my son die right before my eyes, whether I wanted to or not, whether I secretly prayed that he go with God because I could not, would not, could not watch him suffer anymore then kill myself for the next four years with pent up guilt for praying that, forgive me because this is just me saying, hey you, guess what? You are ok. Better than ok. You are worth ten mounds of gold. You just don't see it. Do you? Maybe. Maybe not. You don't need every single material thing you want. Maybe you are this person. Maybe you are the person who gives their child everything they want, so when they want something they don't have, they scream until they get it. And you give it to them. Maybe you are that person. I don't know.

I see beauty everywhere. Today, went on a spontaneous trip with my Mom and the boys. Took pictures of EVERYTHING. Walking dogs. Flowers galore. The boys. Grammy. The bridge. The sand at the beach. The boat. A bumble bee. Then the battery died. Dang it. I would've kept on. What am I doing? Capturing life. Why? Because I appreciate it. I relish it. I think the anger I get to feeling, the core of it down to the root is probably completely tied to being so out of control when Lucas was sick and then dying. I'm 100% sure it is. However, I try to temper that, but really what do you do with it? Imagine me raising my eyes and eyebrows in a "I don't know" fashion. Because I really don't know.

I say in my mightiest hear me roar voice in the smallest whisper, be glad for what you have. And I refer not to the material things. How much money you make. What stuff you can buy. No. I refer to your kids. Your spouse. The love. New beginnings. The passion that is there even if buried right now. Measure that. Capture that. It's there. Hell, if I can see mine, you have got to be able to see yours. Do you think I care about money? I don't. If I did, I'd be working more, working harder to rise up to the top at work, I've been there, done that. I don't care about money. I do in that it helps us live, but it means really nothing to me. Probably why I spend it so freely. That can be so problematic. Indeed. I know this first hand. --Does this make me the perfect person in the world? Nope. Not even close. And maybe it's all backwards. Maybe you that does what you want, cries for no reason, can't get it together, maybe you are the good one and I am the one that needs help. Probably so. But in my world, I have a clear perspective of life and what it's about. If for only that one reason; having had the experience with Lucas. Having him and losing him. A-Z. That changes me. THAT makes me look around and shake my head. Sorry. But it does. Not holier than thou..no not that...just privvy to a few things. At least, in my world I am.

This is what I see in life. This is beautiful to me. The above pictures speak volumes to me. The dogs...look at them. I'm not even a dog person but look at those dogs. And those flowers? Love them.... If I can realize that life isn't always working against me then it can't be all that hard, can it?

Signed-

Keeping My Chin Up No Matter What