Spinning Around

As you can clearly see; I've not had much time lately to devote here. My head is spinning with posts I want to write but time has not been my friend lately.

I dread this time of year. I've come to recognize the signs, I used to have to be reminded by my mom why my moods would be low or swing in July/August but not anymore. I know it. One look at the sky can set me off, watching a bird fly so high I can barely see it is an easy catalyst as well. So high it can be in the Heavens? I do love watching the hawks soar and we have so many here, it's beauty at its best. Isn't it funny how beauty can be sadness too? In so many ways.

I think his memory is raw power and when I'm ultra connected and paying attention I draw from it. But if I'm shifted over a little and not focused, his memory sets me in the wrong direction. Now the Littlest has come to randomly bring up Lucas' name. I'm proud of him and glad he has even slight knowledge of his older brother no longer here but it comes when I least expect it and the sting can be real and sharp. Sucks the breath out of me for a moment when he speaks Lucas' name. I roll, don't get me wrong, but it takes a second for me to get back on solid ground again.

You all know so well what happened, how I've described his hearts' congenital defect, the ill fated surgery, his sickness, his strong fight, and then his decline leading to his death. You know from reading here and even the Lucas site all of our turmoil and deep sadness particulary when we lost him. I won't re hash it all now. Partly because I don't want to step backwards but mainly because it's still painful. I have chided myself and talked the talk, announced I will finish his book, said it outloud so I have to fulfill the task, but still, I cannot bring myself to even read what I wrote. The pain is covered well and even though it's morphed and I'm more healthy than I've been in a long time, the pain is still with me. I suppose if it weren't, I'd be able to breeze through reading the book, remembering the spirit behind it and continue on to it's conclusion. I want to be there and I know I've come a long way, but in the end, I guess I'm not there yet. I still find it difficult to go through his trunk with clothes I kept and different memories from his life. It's very very difficult to admit out loud when touching his things that this was right; though I know it is. God doesn't make mistakes right? I don't know. Maybe he does. How do we know? Yes, maybe a shred of doubt. I'm human; grant me that.

I beg for dreams of him sometimes. The more I want it the more they won't come. I'll never not want to dream of him so I suppose by default, I'll never get to dream of him. Sometimes the less you actively chase or desire something, the easier it comes. When we were in Phoenix, I wanted to have my fortune read. I wanted to sit at a table and someone I don't know to tell me how he's doing and who's taking care of him. My best friend says that in Heaven he doesn't need to be cared for, that he's maybe taken on a different role and maybe has a new job in Heaven. I don't know about that. As his Mom, I simply crave to hold him and my last memory of him being awake and ok, cuts like a knife in my heart and if I let myself I'd sob out loud at that one pure memory alone. As a Mom who watched her son die as a ten month old baby, my heart memorizes that he needs to be held and cared for. I can't imagine him in charge of something or taking care of others. Maybe he is. Maybe I need to open my mind a little more. Maybe I don't.

I remember him and his little happy face. I'll never forget how he adored the Oldest. I'll never forget how we adored him. He died August 21, 2003. Five years later and here I am, holding on as tight as ever. Let it go Jenn. Go ahead, say it. Truth is, I have loosened my grip and accepted the loss at it's core. It's all the other stuff that translates into baggage I continue to carry around; well hidden, even from myself sometimes. Funny isn't it? In the most non hilarious way. Funny how life is such a beautiful contradiction. Life. It comes and it goes and then it goes on. I got this phrase that I want to hang in the living room I got with my sister V in Sedona. Remember it V? It says, "Don't let yesterday use up too much of today". I bought it because I have to remind myself of that lots of times.

I'm working on it.