I used to be so driven to write. To come here and let it fly, release my thoughts and emotions, very regularly. Something happened, who knows, a shift in life, a shift in focus, a wrong turn that took me off a path I loved so much. Writing is like breathing to me. I sometimes feel I need it to stay balanced. Yet, lately, I've let it fall away. To some degree I feel my center of gravity has been off because I haven't been writing. It should never be forced, so I won't force it. However, I do crave it and miss it. Maybe a little less of that time sucker, Facebook, and I can get back to my old self. The old me who knows what is really important. Keeping up with friends is nothing to laugh at, don't get me wrong, Facebook is good for that, for sure. But every now and then, I just browse through, getting a quick glance at life through others' eyes; I could be glancing at my own life and getting it out on paper, which is what I need more than anything else.
I get to the point where it's all pent up; its where I am now. Focus. Life. Core values.
Summer is here like the breath of a new day. I can hardly believe this but we have yet to get to the Ocean and it's almost the middle of July. That is something else that is important to me. Sounds odd, but the Ocean, the beach, it too moves me. I think that is something that my husband has probably never understood about me. He thinks I'm a slave to the sun, and while I do love a nice sun tan, beautiful brown skin, I'm not really a slave to the sun. When I'm at the beach, watching waves, whether they are crashing hard or softly pushing up on the sand, it's cathartic for me. It's life. I find it very mesmerizing and soothing. It gives new energy to my soul and really it never gets old for me. Maybe something in my spirit that requires deeper things..I'm not sure. For my husband, the beach to him simply means 'more sun' and he loathes that. I look deeper and feel it much differently. Actually sometimes I feel slightly connected to Lucas there. And really, I can't explain that any further. Its just a feeling, intangible, untouchable, just there.
See how I'm losing my way? Things that are important to me....must find them again. Summer is rejunvenating, our time to run and play even as adults. Must find that again. My year of forty is just beginning and I will tell you that aside from this small feeling of being a little lost from my norm..I do feel a spunk coming on. I know in the depths of me that I am making my way to something. What I want will draw to me and that's pretty exciting. The grass has been green and grown under my feet for a good length of time. And you know what they say.. 'the grass isn't always greener on the other side' however I think even if the grass is brown and not so full of life to me, it will be greener. It.will.be.greener.
In that greener grass, I will find myself, who I really am, who I've come to be, and what I've come to believe in. I know I will feel such a freedom and I look forward to that. I look forward to no longer being defined by something that just is, that just exists. I look forward to being defined by what steps I take to improve my life, and the ones around me. So for as much as I feel I may have lost myself, I am aware, and I am awake, and I am already finding my footing. How can I go wrong with my best friend in the world by my side every day, two wonderful boys here on Earth to keep my grounded and steady, and a faith so abiding in the Lord that it stills me?
I can't. I won't.
Jenn
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