I Should Be Asleep

I have 1001 things running through my mind.  I'm extremely tired but can't let myself fall asleep.  Make a list.  Mental list.  No, don't do that, you'll forget 60% of the items.  Make a paper list.  Can't.  No paper by the bed.  Don't want to go downstairs.  But go in the next room and blog.  That'll do it.  Right!

Is it true that women need more "me" time than men?  I don't know.  Maybe we both need it but women are better at communicating their needs?  They just say it vs. holding it in?  Maybe.  IDK.

I'm still very afraid to open that little file cabinet.  That's a broken record playing.  I know what I'll find.  And I know what that'll mean.  One day on a whim, when no one is looking and before I can talk myself out of it, I'll get that thing opened.  Then I'll know.  I think the Lucas journal is in there.  I think it is.  Leaving that alone.

Sometimes I'm aggressive.  Sometimes I'm passive.  And sometimes I'm passive aggressive.  But usually not.  Sometimes I surprise myself with things I say to others.  Sometimes at work.  But mostly not.  I'm such a flippin' Gemini.  It's a disease I tell you.  I stand up for things I feel passionately about.  Others just zip it and go along.  I can't seem to get the hang of that notion.  I get all fired up and more often than not, even if I'm waited a period of time to make sure I really feel it, I find a way to say it.  Lord help me.

Last week, a police officer we work with was shocked to hear how long I'd been with the company I work with.  She said, "How OLD are you?"  OhmyLord, I wasn't sure WHAT she thought my age was, so fearfully, I asked her, "How old do you THINK I am?"  She quickly said, "28, 29, 30?"  I almost FLEW across the room to hug her.  Though I refrained.  I told her I was 40 and she literally thought I was lying.  Uh, no.  It's the truth.  I'm absolutely every day of 40, but I'll take the compliment.  On the flip side, today, someone far younger than me referred to me twice as "Old" and "Older" two separate times.  I was so deflated.  I wanted to slap her hand with a wet noodle!  Why do I hang my hat so much on being a certain age?  Funny.

I should be asleep.  I'm going to try again.  For all I'm worth, I'm going to try again. 

Exit stage left.