Every year on this night the world is quiet together at 7pm and lights candles in remembrance of all of those lost angels who have gone before us. Lucas is not the only one. He is my only one, but he is not the only one.
In the past we have gone to CHOP in Philly and participated in the ceremony. The last time we went, I stood in front of hundreds of people and read what I had written in his honor. I tried to be so strong, I willed myself not to cry. I wanted so badly to get through it without even so much as a tremble. Halfway through, the sobs came; they came in front of all those people. I had to stop, compose myself, looked out in the crowd, saw my rock, made eye contact, he held up his hand as if to give me strength and I continued till the end.
The last two years we have not gone because of the Littlest. He unwittingly would not allow for a peaceful gathering, he is quite the hurricane and very boisterous. I very much anticipate next year or the year after when we can begin going again. It's a trip very meaningful to me and quite worth the drive. Every time I drive into that city, heading towards the hospital (I could drive it in my sleep and can see it now), I feel I am coming home. I have said this several times before but I could live there, alone, and never be afraid. It's a sensation that just lives in me; something about the city. Hmm, wonder what it is. ......I know exactly what it is. It's him. It's Lucas. It's where we fought for him, it's where he fought for life, it's where we came to peace with his need to go, it's where we said our goodbyes. Philly is quite a place. I grew very strong there and didn't know it was happening. I became extremely independant in that city. I fell on my knees and hit rock bottom. I can remember sitting in an outer lobby up on the 7th floor looking down on the ground floor with all the people hustling and bustling, parents and kids and visitors, every now and then someone I had come to know would pass down there and I numbly sat and watched it all. The ache in the pit of my stomach and the lonliness that consumed me almost ate me alive. I remember thinking some very dark things back then. I sat and silently cried for some very long moments. Not caring who saw me or even realizing I should care. My husband trying to keep up and work back home, raising the Oldest and me, so far away, praying and watching the doctors every step of the way. My body became someone else's and I couldn't even see myself in the mirror. The weight I put on was invisible to me. When I see myself back then, I seem more than foreign, I seem unrecognizable to myself. All was put on the backburner for Lucas; and gladly so. He didn't win the fight and though his heart was put back right, the rest of his body couldn't catch up.
Tonight at 7:00 we will be silent. Say a prayer and light a candle. To say we miss him..well, that is an understatement. To say we love him..well, of course, and then some. I would build a tunnel and fill it with hugs and kisses straight to him if I could. One day........
and it will be a sweet reunion.
You cook, you clean, you go to work, you nourish, you love, you scold, you are professional and yet you hang your hat on every dust particle in your home. You are a woman. Some women are Moms and some are not. You are still a woman. We are all made similarly. We are strong.
2 comments:
we will say a prayer tonite too for all the angels watching over us! We will include Thad in that prayer! love to you all! Tracy
Isn't it ironic that the moon was close the past few days...maybe it was in honor of this day and moment to come....shining so close and brghtly...maybe it was all the angels of loved ones lost reaching out to us here to say they love and miss us so. AS we, too, incredibly miss them. My prayers were with Lucas tonight and all nights. Much love to you and your boys Jenn.
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