The Beauty of God and Nature..The Wonder of It All..

As you all know, I very much relate flying things, mostly butterflys and even dragonflys with Lucas, my son who is now in Heaven. He's been there without us, without me, for almost five years now. That seems like a long time yet sometimes, it feels like moments ago. Then I look at the Littlest and realize, no, it's really been five years. To think, when Lucas died, I was adamant, no more children. We discussed, my husband and I, we discussed when Lucas was at CHOP for those two months, we whispered on the rare nights we were together in bed talking into the night, like best friends with stolen moments, we'd whisper that we couldn't do it again, didn't want to do it again. And he was still alive, struggling, and so sick. But still alive. Still alive and we were already talking about could we do it again. I suppose looking back, maybe that was a huge slap in the face to Lucas. Thank God he could not hear us. Thank God we never had those conversations in his room at the hospital. Of course not. I think at the end, it got too hard. It just got so hard that I was worn down watching him get worn down. I tried every day to hold my head up high, not see how completely overweight and out of control I was getting, my every emotion on a frazzled string about to break, and I read to him, sang to him, talked to him, every single day. Brushed his hair, put lotion on his skin, massaged him, tried his pacy, remember it all? I did. I fought so hard for him and made him fight hard too. Until we could see, we had no choice but to see, he was silently speaking to our eyes, he was ready, it was time. And he flew away to Heaven. Like a beautiful butterfly his soul took flight and now he comes back to us; like this.

This is something I captured in the front yard. That flower is the flower of a butterfly bush. Thanks Mom, Mindy and Val for that meaningful gift. Now they come to the front door all the time. This is just one I happened to be able to get on film; it seemed to be perfectly content for far too long there. The temptation to get the camera was too great. When I came back from inside, it was still there. Beautiful Lucas. Let me think it. The belief I have in that is intrinsically tied to my heart strings. Don't even think of bursting my bubble.

We are born, we live, we die. It's how we chose to live the moments we are given that will determine our forevers. I choose to cherish all things living, cherish family, cherish friends, cherish memories, and give back in small ways when possible. I think, if we live like that, and in the beauty of God's Grace, then the wonder will not be how we managed to live through this crazy life but rather how we chose to make the hard choices and do the right things even when the easy road seemed so tempting.

I chose life. I miss Lucas and I know I will see him again, without a shadow of a shadow of a doubt, but I chose life. Five years later, I can say that. Five years ago, notsomuch. Five years ago there was a therapist asking me if I wanted to do harm to myself and I found myself looking her in the eyes deadpan with no words. The truth in me? Yes. It was a truth that never escaped my lips and a truth I never let come to fruition. I imagined how many many times in that first year. I lay and look at that bathroom by my bed and knew how I could do it, but then I looked in the other direction and took the harder road. The road where I got up every day and did not hide away from the world. That road led me here. That road led me to take a picture of that beautiful butterfly. And I am just barely wise enough to know why. Just barely. Thank you Lord for that.

Jenn