I have felt it. Coming out of a daze a bit. The fog is less thick. The cloak of depression is lighter and thinner, and I can feel it. Some of it is attributed to time; plain and simple. But lots of it is attributed to this friend, a very close friend she has become.
Change of subject for a moment. Something happened the other night. I was in a situation that I could not remove myself from. A lot of grief came ripping out of me and I was not in a position to remove myself physically from it. Oh it's a long story, it really is and I'm not devoting the time needed for that story right now. Life works in mysterious ways. It just does. God does too. In quiet and then loud ways. He speaks without saying a word.
I want so much to be able to talk to Lucas, to tell him everything I need to tell him, so that I can move ahead, not move on, I don't think I ever will move "on" because to me that says, he'll be forgotten. To move in a new direction and with a sense of peace and calm, resolve that chapter. But I can't. Not now. So in every prayer of mine, peppered in with the rest of the prayer, is always something to God telling Him to tell Lucas this or tell him that, hug him for me, kiss him for me. I've long stopped asking if Lucas is alone. For one thing, I don't want to know the answer, and then crazily for another thing, he's not alone, because he's with God, and even more crazily, only a few moments have passed by in Heaven so to Lucas, it's not a big deal yet that he can't see me. Hush, leave me be, these thoughts pacify me; at least for now.
In this year I have allowed myself to do many things I wouldn't allow myself before...after his death till now. So I can see the change, back to some sense of whatever normalcy I'll allow myself to have, I can see it all a little. It feels good and empowering.
Thank you, you have been and are a fantastic soul. Thanks for pushing quietly in your own way. I get it. I appreciate it. -----------You know you don't have to change who you are to better yourself, it's what you'll allow yourself to see past and to rise to the occasion that you've never risen to. It's not really changing who you are, but allowing yourself to want better, do better, be better. Two different things. At least I think so.
J
You cook, you clean, you go to work, you nourish, you love, you scold, you are professional and yet you hang your hat on every dust particle in your home. You are a woman. Some women are Moms and some are not. You are still a woman. We are all made similarly. We are strong.
No comments:
Post a Comment