Dreaming

Dreams have been swirling in my head lately. Odd ones. Usually they are. More intense, maybe more visceral in nature. I think at times, my dreams are too meaningful to me but I try to let them go. Sometimes I wake up and remember the dream immediately and I come back to it constantly through the course of the day. All it takes is one thing, just a surprise in my day or a moment of panic and the dream goes away from my memory. If I wanted to, if I forced myself to, I couldn't remember it.

Of butterflies, lots of them, flying softly through the air. Silently waiting, quietly beating their wings with their colorful banter almost. The color is so vibrant and the designs on their wings mean something but I'm not sure what.

Or of violent waves, crashing on the beach. One after the other with no end in sight, pummeling the tiny grains of sand. I sit and watch and the sky is so dark, so grey and it's so obvious, very apparent that the sun should be out. But it's not. There's no rain but there is wind. And there are waves. It's like I'm being pulled in and I feel a huge sense of fear and the more I fight it, pretend I'm not afraid, the awareness grows in me that I'm going in the water, whether I want to or not. The pull is strong. This one I've dreamed a couple of times. And there is always always a tall wall of rocks nearby. I know I will fall down it but I never get there because I wake up first. The dream is driven by fear.

I wish I knew what it all meant but I suspect I do. In the furthest depths of me, I do know what they mean. I'm just not willing to verbalize it. To put credence to it. Sure. Maybe. Who knows.

I think some people dream more vividly. Take my husband. He never (and rarely really) remembers his dreams. He looks at me wildly when I tell him mine. I think he has come to accept that he should sit quietly while I spill my adventures in my brain from the night before. He says not much anymore. Just sits and listens. Maybe a random, "gosh honey, you dream some crazy stuff". Yeah. Real high level analysis there. ---I'm not well equipped to figure all of this out. I am only human. I reach as deep as I can on the emotional stuff but even that isn't deep enough.

As much as I look forward to sleep sometimes, as tired as I get, sometimes I put it off because I know the dreams that may come will keep me up longer the next day. Just trying to figure the night before out. It's a vicious cycle really. Just like life.