Trying to Always Please and Cater To the Minority

I'm so frustrated right now, I can't even write. Just consider the title for a minute. No prayer in school. No baked goods in school. No Halloween celebrations allowed, must be called Fall Celebrations. Can't say Merry Christmas in school. God forbid. Oh wait, no pun intended. No peanuts in school. Peanut free school? Why didn't they have that when we were growing up? We ate peanut butter and jelly at school, the school served it to us! God forbid!

I know there are those with peanut allergies. I know. And I know it can be lethal to those individuals. I would never want a child to have to go through that. But isn't there a way to simply not serve that child what 98% of the other kids can eat? I think it's over the top. It's all about liability. Fear of being sued. A greedy nation of people. What we've come to. I'm shutting up.

I'm frustrated about something and I'm just going to refrain. I've said enough. Sometimes no matter how much you do, or in spite of all that you do, sometimes, just sometimes, it really doesn't matter.

First Day of School 2009-2010

Here they are. My goodness. I sure do have my big girl boots on. Watching them grow up is wonderful, awesome, and fun. Sometimes I let my emotions get the best of me and get sad. No more babies. Growing up. It's a good thing. Right? Right.

I get to

I get to do a lot of things.

--I get to do laundry.
--I get to wash dishes.
--I get to dust and vacuum.
--I get to pick up toys at least twice if not more daily.
--I get to do it all.
--I get help from all three.
--I still get to do most things.
--I get thanked from time to time.

But I live in a warm home, with food to eat, boys to love, and life to live.

I get to be thankful.

Speaking Up and Speaking Out

You know how sometimes you act then later you go, 'wow, I did that?'. In the span of 24 hours, I wrote a letter to President Obama and called the Traffic Engineering Department in Newport News VA.

To President Obama I sent a note of support. I hope he gets to read it. I suppose he gets thousands of letters/emails/calls a day. Anything is possible.

To the Traffic Engineer I gave a phone call. It was the quickest and most efficient way. As I sat in ridiculous traffic entering the business park of Oyster Point off Canon Blvd, I suddenly could not take it any longer. Sometimes I think those who plan the improvements to the cities we live in do not think about practical issues. Real day to day practical things that happen, you know, really happen. I will hand it to the gentleman who spoke with me on the phone, he was baffled at what I was saying, he was surprised that both lanes of traffic were just sitting during rush hour into the business park-but he took me seriously. There was a sliver of sarcasm that slipped from his tongue when he asked me, "well what time do you suggest we begin work on the road?" and I think he expected me to say something ignorant and asinine like "12 noon" or "at night".
Wasn't he surprised when I said something reasonable? Just let the bulk of the folks get into work rather than sitting and sitting during rush hour in. Start around 9 am. With budgetary conditions in mind, no going into overtime, I'm not suggesting that, but just start a tiny bit later.

He put me on hold. He didn't push the "hold" button so I heard the whole background conversation. He was relaying my comments to another person and that person was surprised as well. Hmm. Go figure. Do people in charge of our traffic patterns or road improvements go visit while work is going on? How could they not know this? He comes back and they looked at the contract, told me there were no time constraints listed in the contract and that they would approach the sub contractor about modifying the morning start time. They would also check to make sure the traffic light at that intersection was properly working so not holding folks up unnecessarily.

Regardless of the outcome, I like that I could call them while sitting in my car, waiting in that frustrating traffic, (which by the way blocks off a childcare center) and give my complaint to a live person who seemed reasonably concerned. Like my vent session for the day, but in a positive way. I was respectful in my phone call, but direct in my thoughts. A great combo when you want someone's attention.

Sometimes you have to speak up. You can't watch from the sidelines. A watched pot never boils. You have to get in there and make it happen. Make it boil yourself. Take that action. Even if it's a little action, take it.

And My World Goes Quiet...

Each approaching day gets more quiet and more quiet. It's almost like submersing yourself slowly in water where you hear nothing and block all sound out. On purpose. Because that's how you cope, how you remember, how you revere the time that you want to etch in stone so it can never be forgotten or erased. Partly because that's how you ward off tears, or outbursts. Just because it works for you.

That is a picture of Lucas. Everyone knows that the experts say not to put a sleeping young infant on his/her tummy, but he did sleep best on his tummy. Here he was napping on the couch downstairs and we raised the pillow, you can see we slanted it with a basketball under it. I can remember countless countless days I would sleep on the floor under him. If he was sleeping, the house was quiet, it was a different infanthood with him. We knew his heart was not well, and we tiptoed around quite a bit for him. Never did that with the Oldest or Littlest. Only Lucas. Situation was so different with him. Our whole world changed when he was born. Then it changed drastically when he died.

Friday, August 21st will be six years ago that he died. Since then, we have become changed people. At some forks in the road, I remember looking around me saying, 'gosh, don't rush me, I'm grieving as fast as I can' because and I suppose to this day, I feel guilty for being sad. I feel guilty for moving on. I feel guilty for handing him over to that nurse. I feel guilty for not being able to make it all stop, reverse it all and make it go away. I feel guilty that I did not 'pray hard enough'. The list goes on and on. BUT we have moved forward, mostly in his honor, for him, so he can say he is proud that we did not fall down and stay down. We didn't crumble. We may have cried, but we did not crumble. We have lived. We have moved ahead and put things in their places. The gold dust of his soul has been captured in my words, our pictures, and our memories. There is not one other thing we can do about it. Make good out of sorrow. That's what we can do. I won't lie and say my heart doesn't ache to hold his smiling face and hear his coos and babbles again. But I know that I can't. And so...I can hope. I can hope that even though I let my world go quiet when I'm hurting, and pull back from almost everything around me, I can hope that it's true. Hopefully it's true that what are years and years to us are only seconds to those in Heaven. That all these years later are simple heartbeats and not even minutes for that baby angel who I pray isn't just waiting for his Mamma. That would be cruel I think and so I believe he barely knows I'm gone. It gets me through.

So a close friend did this recently while at the beach and sent it to me. Thank you Liz. You are an incredible person who helps me on more than a few levels.

If you've been reading here you know the story, and you know my take on it all. You may not know this...... I'm grateful that he was born and I know that there is purpose in his death. I don't understand it yet but I know there has to be purpose for it. That is not lost on me and I am well aware of it. I can say that now. I really can.

We miss you Lucas and you know I tell it to you every single day. I love you with a million hearts, even one of those hearts may have been better than the one you were born with and I would have given you mine.. as any mother would do. I honor your presence and your life and know that one day I'll be holding you again; as it should be.

Mamma.

Health Care Today

Why is it that the people complaining the loudest already have insurance? Middle class folks who are crying foul, socialism, ridiculing President Obama and Congress (currently ruled by Democrats) for meddling where Government does not belong? Why are people who are uninsured and in need of this full of hope and waiting so patiently for change?

Our healthcare system has proven itself in poor shape and clearly does not work the way it is now. We have to have RAM's in our own backyard to take care of folks when they should instead be in impoverished countries where you would expect this need; not here, in our own country. The richest country in the world? No. We can't even take care of our own people. We aren't taking care of our own people. The big healthcare companies and all their supporters only care about money. If we change the system now to ANYTHING else, it would mean less money for them, competition, and they don't want it.

One or two people throw out incorrect idealogies and it crowds out the real truth. People aren't stopping to try to figure out what is really going on. This might not be the perfect plan that President Obama is proposing, but what would be? Is there ever ever ever a perfect plan for all? No. Let's start with some change. Let's deviate from what we can clearly see is NOT working. Let's support the President. Whether it is Barack Obama or anyone else, they deserve our respect and support, even if we don't agree with all the policies and decisions, how about less criticism and a little more open mindedness? I am not completely off my rocker, and don't think that all should suddenly agree with President Obama, I'm not saying that, I'm just saying, we can't get much done or move forward in a positive way together, as a country, behaving in this manner.

I voted for George Bush both times. This time I voted for Barack Obama. He represented what I thought (and think) this country needs. I realize at times folks are averse to change. This moment, this right now in our country, we need change like we never have before. Our health care system is sick. Let's make it well again. I think to some degree the proposal is geared towards more of a 'sick' system than a 'healthcare system' but we have to start somehwere, and modify from there what is not working. It makes me sad to hear some of the stuff I'm hearing on TV and from folks I chat with. Some of it makes no sense whatsoever. And lots of time I hear people repeating what others have spewed to them but they can't back it up with their own thoughts or opinions. Even sadder. I'm not perfect, I'm not even right here maybe, but I can think on my own and express what I'm feeling and that's the beauty of being a United States citizen. I'm allowed to be a free thinker and tell you my thoughts and impressions. For that I'm grateful. Proud to be an American, but sad at the current state of affairs and how some have tried to crumble any progress or proactive thinking. And we are letting them.

I'm writing a letter to the President. I think he needs to hear the support. Don't get me wrong, I'm not out there wearing an "I love Obama" tshirt. I'm not knocking on people's doors in an overzealous kind of way. I just support him and his ideas partly because he's our President and partly because I think he makes good common sense.

I'm just saying.

Losing Weight

--Is hard.
--Is overwhelming.
--Is necessary.
--Is easy to put off.
--Is frustrating.
--Is lonely.
--Is worth it.
--Will happen.
--Must happen.

I truly realize that I'm ok with me but also truly realize that I'm not ok with me. Sometimes I think I am thin and that is a very funny thought in the next breath because it's quite obvious I am not thin. It's a trick I play on myself in my mind. It allows me to function and be happy. I look at myself in the mirror, when I can stand to, and suck in my tummy and say to myself, "see? I'm fine, look how great I look." and keep on moving.

--Walking is hard.
--Sticking to a routine is harder.
--Watching what I eat and ensuring I am on a healthy path is hard to commit to.

It's time. It's time to stop complaining. To make myself proud of me. To show myself I can do it, that I am worth it. That my boys, all of them, are worth it. I will push the cloud away and take the first step. I can't wait for someone to help me. No one will. I have got to help myself. I have got to help myself. I have got to help myself.

No more excuses. After all these years, the up and downs, the just skating by, I deserve to be the best me I can. Maybe the irony will be when all is said and done that I already am the best me I can be. Because I doubt that statement, because I'm not sure if that is true, I will try again. I will try to be better. To see what the truth is. I don't know the answer. So I will seek it out. It's hard to be the size I am when many of the folks I am around most days are thinner, healthier (well, not all that are thinner are healthier, some eat worse, far worse than me so their insides may not be the picture of health), and can wear almost anything they want. Or do almost anything they want. But I get by. I've been ok with it. Sometimes I tell myself it is what it is. And that makes it ok. Right? We all have to be a size. Right? Someone said to me the other day, "only a dog wants a bone" and it was said to help me feel better about me. Not intentional but enabling in a way. It was said with all the love in that person's heart. The person who said it looks up to me, loves me I think. But I have not been able to stop saying that in my head since it was said to me and it has made me spiral. The only thing I heard when it was said was this----"I am enabling you to continue on this path". And I know it was not meant that way one iota. But that is still what I heard.

Maybe I don't think I deserve anything better and I subconciously stay this way, make it harder for myself, put obstacles in my way and procrastinate on purpose. Maybe I think I deserve bad things. Maybe a tiny fraction of a part of me does think that. There you go. Maybe so. Blah blah blah.

I will do something in spite of that and push the negative away and invite the positive in. Need that. I'm putting this out there because now I can't take it back. Now I have to do something.

--We shall see if I can live up to it. I will try my best. This time, it has to be, tomorrow is today and today it's time.

jenn

I remember....

-I remember getting up almost every hour or two each night and rocking you in the rocking chair in your room. Looking out between the shades and the window through that just big enough crack that I could peek out into the dead of night to see what I could see. Usually nothing. Usually all houses had all lights out and the night sky was as dark as dark could be but I was like a cat ready to pounce on a mouse for any activity as you ate and fell asleep in my arms.
-I remember feeling like a zombie many nights and days with little to no sleep as I tried to keep up with your demands on the world. The demands that only a baby could make on a mamma. The demands that a newborn makes on everyone around him. Sometimes I felt like I was sleeping with my eyes open but with a smile on my face, endurance was key.
-I remember your cry. I remember that you didn't do it that much so when you did, I paid prompt attention. Something was wrong. You were never a baby who was overly fussy. You're like that today too. It followed you to 'fourdom'. When you cry, I stop what I'm doing and get to you. You're a tough kid. I've seen you take a fall that made me cringe and get up and quickly say "I'm ok Mom" and never skip a beat.
-I remember how I loved holding you. And listening to your coo's. And how you grew so fast. Faster than I thought possible. And now, I look around, and I realize, there are no more babies in this house. All the pacy's are gone. All the diapers and pull ups are long gone. The baby bottles seem like a million years ago, did you ever drink them? Yes, of course you did. The sweet babbles and adorable baby laugh....thing of the past. To be cherished of course, but no longer around.
-I remember how I thought I could not love you more, I loved you so much when you were tiny. I thought I loved you more than any mother loved any other baby or child. I was wrong. I love you more now. Is it possible? Yes, I think it is. To have watched you turn into a rambunctious kid who goes to the fine line and back, gives his older brother a run for his money, a kid who doesn't mind sharing and uses his manners pretty good for a kid his age, it makes my heart proud. You're going to be ok Little one, I really think you will.

The Littlest has turned four today and we made a day of it. The beach for a few hours, a swim in the pool to cool down after, and Mexican for dinner with a little cake at home to top it all off, I'd say that was a wonderful family filled day all to celebrate you and your little life. I can't wait to see what the next year brings for you. I'm sure you'll try to keep up with your big brother the whole time. Love that. Love you.

Mamma.

Inappropriate or Not?

One thing we seem to struggle with around here, frustratingly so, is what is appropriate television for the kids? As you know we have a ten year old and now a four year old. What's appropriate for the four year old is easy and pretty straight forward. He's happily relegated to Noggin, Sprout, Nick Jr. , PBS, and the like. The speed bump comes with the Oldest. We have yet to have any kind of talk with him about boys and girls, birds and bees, you know what I mean. These days its just about infiltrated into almost everything that isn't on Noggin, Sprout, Nick Jr. , PBS and the like. So that pretty much means, sex is everywhere. Violence is everywhere.

I have held my ground and tried to shield him from it since he was little and it's getting tougher and tougher. What if you don't want your pre teen (I can't believe I just said that!) influenced by all the crap out there that we as adults can easily filter out as needed. In addition, I feel the other side of our once strong joint agreement to not let him see this stuff is slowly loosening his grip. Maybe I'm too concerned. Maybe I'm too strict. Maybe I need to lighten up. Do I? I don't know. It's hard being the only one when other parents our age allow some of this stuff. I don't even think SpongeBob Square Pants is worthy TV. It's not that it's horrible, but it's just junk. There's other, more illuminating television for kids, more appropriate. In my opinion, Cartoon Network has a lot of junk on it. Thankfully, the Oldest doesn't watch it hardly at all so that isn't much of an argument.

I just think the more they watch this stuff that is borderline, it influences them when they are so young. Some of our family members let TV shows and movies play with the kids in the room and I'm appalled and frustrated. They seem to be completely oblivious and cuss words are flying, violent scenes are playing, intense scenes that are clearly over the top for at least a 3/4 year old-and there are no moments of pause, there is no look of concern on their face, there is no question in their mind, 'oh, should I change the channel, is this too intense for the Littlest? too inappropriate for the Oldest?' nothing. I have long asked myself when in those situations, "Do I just give up? Do I say something? What do I do?" and usually end up shoo'ing the kids out of the room. You would think folks would hear or realize the hesitation in me/us about inappropriate shows (usually adult movies like rated PG-13 or rated R stuff I'm talking here). Nope. I must be ultra on the other side of the fence with this stuff. It has got to be me.

I will keep sticking to my guns as long as I can. Even if I'm the only one trying to protect them (their Daddy does too but not as ambivilant as me) I will continue till it's obvious they have a grip on whatever it is. I guess if folks think I'm too strict or over the top, then I can live with that. If we are their protectors and supposed to guide them in this life, then it's up to us. I don't want visions of guns/crime/sex/inappropriate intimacies that they have no need to be inundated with dancing around in their heads. In this day and age that is a VERY hard job. Guess it's one I'm up for. Even though it makes me want to scream at some of those around us sometimes, it's one I'm up for. Sign me up.

Jenn

The Hangover

Saw this movie today. Was hilarious. Very funny. Who thinks up this stuff? Who has this stuff happened to that it was a thought in their brain? Oh my goodness me. Bradley Cooper is a beautiful man. And I know men are not typically 'beautiful' but my oh my, scrumptious.

The quick and dirty, there's a bachelor party in Vegas three BF's and the soon to be BIL and they get wasted beyond belief and can't remember anything from the night before and lose the groom. The entire movie is one thing to the next of trying to find the groom and it's just frickin' hilarious. I'm telling you if you want stupid funny, semi crude that makes you laugh out loud in the theater over and over again, go see it. Been out for a while so might be ending soon but definitely definitely Red Box it. It's worth it. I'm going to watch it again with no kids around for miles and miles because my LORD that is some inappropriate stuff. Haven't laughed or snickered like that in a very long time. Very adult stuff but seriously very funny stuff. -And did I mention Bradley Cooper? {sigh}

-Jenn