Crossroads

I feel like I have been at a crossroads since 2008.  Well, really, probably, truthfully, since 2003, when he died, but that aside, and getting it together a little at a time, 2008 has been the year that seemed to have rocked our world the most, or since then, in my mind its been about 2008 when the market took a big giant tumble.  Then job loss.  Then another (mine) in 2011 and we got the wind knocked out of us a little more each time.  I wanted it to end with my previous employer.  Though I enjoyed many many good years there and the President of the company was in my mind, the fairest in the land, through my sunny filled shades, I could see dark clouds rolling in on the horizon.  Sometimes in certain relationships, there comes a time when two must part and part we did.  I needed that break from them.  Too much unhealthy micromanaging, intense demand (and I was part time so imagine the poor folks working full time) from above and a very unhealthy working relationship with my direct boss who had issues for miles, it was definitely time.  Still and yet, I was very sad to leave, even though I knew it was best, they were my family and I had been truly cut off before I left.  That was 2011.  Here we are in 2013 and still, every time my mind rests on 2008, I feel a dark sense about things.  It was the beginning of tough times and that is saying a lot as previous to that, it had gotten pretty dark.

Part of me thinks, wow, can't we get a break as a little family?  But then, I immediately realize two things; one, change your thinking NOW, its unhealthy,  and two, we are indeed very blessed and lucky in a myriad of ways despite all the challenges we have come across.  Maybe you truly don't know how strong you are till you have been tested.  And it's quite true that no one was ever promised a rose garden with no thorns.  How boring would that be and what would we learn about ourselves as people?  How would we grow if we had no obstacles to overcome?  Faith in God, whichever God you believe in (if you do) is a test in and of itself.  You SHOULD have doubt in your faith every once in a while, I feel it is normal and keeps you searching and yearning and for me, it has made me more steadfast.  I no longer believe prayer is the answer for everything.  When I hear someone say stuff like that I roll my eyes on the inside.  Oh, I believe in God with all I have, but I know for a fact, a true and honest fact, that prayer does not always work.  What I have learned as this more confident 42 year old is that prayer helps but our destinies are pre determined.  Our paths may seem happenstance, and at times coincidental, but I believe its all laid out before we are even born.  Which troubles me even more about Lucas --but I will leave that for another day.

When my mind somehow runs across that year in my wild daily thought processes, I suppose even if subconsciously it realizes that 2008 was a distinct hard turn in our path as a family, it was supposed to happen, all the challenges that came after, the tests of our relationships, our marriage, our beliefs, were meant to be.  I stood as strong as I knew how in the wild winds of it all.  Despite some who doubted me or could not believe my actions, I still stood as strong as I could and stayed true to my heart and what was right for ME.  We grew stronger because of it.  And now, as those little hurdles have died down a little, rear their heads now and again but have become a bit more tame, I realize, they were meant to be.  I was to feel tested, he was to feel tested, even though it was already determined what we would do, we couldn't know that at the time.

I am a true Gemini.  I am voiceful yet I am quiet.  I laugh and I cry all on the same line of emotion.  I am passionate yet I contain myself quite well.  I am both.  I think learning big lessons myself has given way to teaching to my children these huge lessons of life.  Be strong, even when you think you truly cannot.  Feel joy even when others around you are not.  Be kind, give love and exhibit self control in tough and easy situations.  If my boys can do those things, it matters not what they choose to do in this life, they will be successful.  I am so proud of them as I have set forth to teach them to be selfless and that you cannot have nearly everything (or sometimes anything) you want.  And that is ok.  I loathe to see a child throw a fit over material things.  -It's a sign that things are off balance; and I like to find balance in whatever I can.  Love yourself even when you do not like yourself for the moment.  I have lived that much I think, more than I care to admit.  Of course, I want 2013 to be a year that I can just snap my fingers and say 'Done, all better, we are in the middle of the perfect little rainbow' but that is unreasonable.  And besides maybe all these tough times and challenges have made me a better person.  I could never have let my mind rest on positive thinking or the possibility of it with out this precious book my Aunt D gave me several years ago.  I believe I have referred to it before; The Secret.  It was not an easy book to absorb.  I wrestled with it and the concept, putting it down and picking it up--wanting to understand the core subject of the book for a couple of months before reading it for the 15th time -letting it finally wash over me.  The light bulb moment and finally 'getting it' was so gratifying.  My life changed after that.  No, I'm not a millionare.  Not financially.  But emotionally?  I think I might be close.  I chose my path (of thinking) now.  I am in control of that.  And that, I can already see evidence in my boys, is resting on all of us like a sweet song of life.

2008.....it's there, its real, but it's history.  Living for the here and now....that is real.  Making each moment count in the history of our little family of four and beyond.  I set these things forth in writing so one day they can come and read it when they need a boost from their Mom or to know her thoughts on life and what was truly important.  Not the toys, or the clothes, or the money, but the way we have lived our lives.  What else is there at the end of it all?  Only love.  Love and faith.  Crossroads will come always-but keep your Faith and show your love and you will be served well.