Maybe I'm Scared..

So, it's like 230 am. I'm up. You don't want to know why. Why I'm up could be a whole blog entry in itself. I won't go there.

I'm here tonight because yeah, so maybe I'm a little scared. I haven't really said it out loud to anyone. No one has asked. I'm not saying anyone should have asked, just pointing out that I have not said and I have not been asked. So it's been dwelling and brewing and stewing. So, this new little boy is coming, right? It's awesome, it's what life is about. It's what we have wanted and what we planned for and what we took our time in a little bit after Lucas passed away. It wasn't anything hasty I don't think. And here we are. It's time. I'm scared. I'm scared to do this to have a new baby and be happy. There. I said it. Everyone says 'Oh Jenn you look so happy and so wonderful and you are still glowing right down to the last minute'. Truth is, I AM happy. I'm happy it's all happening, that he seems healthy and that Noah will have another little brother to play with. I could list you a thousand more reasons why I should be happier and while I think I am--I'm also thinking, I could probably stand to be able to show it more or really let the feeling bloom out if you will. I'm scared to leave Lucas behind in my happiness. What a crazy insane out of this world thought and worry. I know. You don't even have to tell me. I'm telling myself FOR you.

Looking back, looking ahead, it all gets confusing in my head. Lost a boy, having a new boy, two totally different things. This happens all the time. Parents lose a child and they have a new one. I bet they don't write about any of it either. I bet they get on just fine. I bet it's not easy for them but I also bet other people think, 'oh you have a new child and life will be all better for you now' phew don't you feel better and by the way so do I. Sounds mean. It is mean. But one more bet--------I bet it's true. It's like a sigh of relief around the world. It's a sigh of relief I'm sure I'm supposed to feel. Maybe I will. But I'm still scared. Can't even write it without crying.

Emotions? Yep. High emotions? Yep. Moving on is what it is. I have to first give myself permission to do that though. See, I'm smart enough to know it but it's one thing when your head knows something and your heart just can't quite get it together. There are some things that time cannot erase or take away. I suppose, the pain of losing my ten month old son who I knew so well, is still as sharp as ever. He was a peaceful and happy baby who literally loved his brother as much as any little baby could. I remember, he would lock his eyes on Noah and not let him out of his sight. He would squeal at the sight of him and laugh at any little thing Noah did. That brought more joy than I can express. So now, knowing that can exist, that kind of love and joy....I'm scared. What is wrong with me? That is supposed to be HAPPY.

I'll catch up quick. As soon as I see him, my heart will catch up. Right? Yeah, that's it...maybe I"m a little scared. Two days left. I'm sure he will look like Noah and Lucas (who look like Ivan and my sister) but I'm hoping for a little blonde hair. Give me that at least.... :) Well, maybe not BLONDE but lighter then. Maybe he can look a little like I had something to do with it --- eh?

Till then---

J