These Are The Days of Our Lives

I can't remember the last time Ivan and I talked about Lucas.  Really talked.  Its mostly in my head and heart now.  Even if it's on my heart, I only rarely rarely say it out loud.  I might let a blurb out on Facebook here and there, but its quasi safe to do so and it makes me feel better.  Not sure why.

This October he'd have been ten.  The boys, Oldest, Middlest, and Littlest, are all three years apart.  Weren't meant to have three here at the same time.  Yes, I know.  Accept.  Accept.  I accept.

So many things I/we want to do and one day, I know they will happen.  - I will just leave it at that rather than droning on about my heart and its woes.

Another election year is upon us.  Will be interesting.  So much buzz already to either research or tune out.  The Oldest is heading into 8th grade and the Littlest will be going into 2nd grade.  We have 'adopted' a new puppy believe it or not, named Bandolina; courtesy of my sister and her family.  Potty training is proving to be quite the task.  A project all on its own.  Consistency and trying not to get frustrated are the keys.  I need all the help I can get Lord, on that last initiative.

She is as sweet as she can be but she is a stubborn bunny rabbit!  Crate training, here we come.  :)

In the year of 42, I have found a new peace yet my heart still tugs and I do suppose it always will.  Those who were here and gone ahead of us will always tug at our hearts.  Its normal.  Bandolina has been a welcome addition and even though we've only had her about a month, she's been a welcome distraction as well.  Reminder that life is all around us.  What was it I once heard?  Don't let yesterday steal anything from today; something to that effect.  Heart, let me introduce you to brain, brain, heart.  You two meet, mingle, talk it up a while and I'll exit stage left while you find some common ground about Lucas almost nine years ago to the day that he left this Earth.  Let me know when you're done chatting it up and I'll come back and see what kind of agreement you've come to.  I'll adhere to just about anything as I'm sure I'm in a new phase now, never of forgetting, but more of accepting.  Been in the 'accepting' phase for a few years now.  I look around at some folks who have lost and they are leaps and bounds ahead of me in what they've done with their grief.  Guilt is laced through my memories and then like a swollen arm, foot, or in my case, heart, I wince and retreat trying not to touch it again.  Oh wait, how did I get on Lucas again?  We were talking about Bandy.  Goodness me..

 

Feels good to hear the keys flying as my words go onto the screen without effort or much thought.  Miss it so much.  These are the days of our lives.  --Tomorrow, on Lucas' death anniversary, we will go to his cemetary and I will take the boys to Water Country.  A nice distraction.  I hope you'll agree.  

Peace till next time.  I hope its sooner than the span in between this and the last post; that's for sure.  

Jenn