Or does it? ---I suppose to some extent, yes, it does. But full hearts and full eyeballs, ready to flow forth with water....sometimes, they do not heal. They don't listen well. They have minds of their own and they do what they like. Sometimes. Yes.
You know me well. By now you know that I feel strongly when I see butterflies or even dragonflies, I think of Lucas instantly. And I firmly believe that whatever the 'griever' thinks in their heart is the real truth of it. So there you have it. I know he visits us. And we always always always say it out loud. "Hello Lucas!" It really matters not if others are nearby, or what they think. I know what my soul thinks and I pray to God that Lucas knows I am thinking of him always. I wish I were holding him now. The feeling is strong, strong. But then the wave ebbs and washes out to sea and it's alright again. By now you know that I am grateful for The Oldest. He has saved us on so many levels; time and again, even before The Littlest got here six years ago. The Oldest is strength and sanity and the reason for all. He is the driving force for everything to me. Add The Littlest and really you have quite an innumerable equation...infinity and beyond for the reasons we do what we do. The Littlest is the balance. Together they quite drive us crazy, but in the same breath, its a crazy we crave and that makes us sane. Without them, and the experience we had while Lucas struggled then died, we'd be no more. Literally. I would be gone. Gone from this world. I do believe that. I have my faith in God, and those are not just words, but there is also this knowledge in my brain that knows how ragged and fluid my soul was when we lost Lucas. I was a much more overweight wisp of a human being, hanging on a tiny thread for some understanding, some sense, some longing desire to know why we just lost our son. Asking every other minute, 'why did he die? why did he suffer? why him? why us? WHY WHY WHY?'
Now life has smoothed. It's like a satin sheet. Smooth, but at the bottom where it is folded under the mattress for stability like a fulcrum point, there are wrinkles. Those wrinkles trip me up. I fall. Cry. Hurt. Then I work really hard to move toward the top and straighten it all out again to get rid of the wrinkles. Because we have two boys who keep us very very busy. And fill our lives with love and happiness. Absolutely. Cannot and will not ever deny that. And thankfully so.
Material things? Money? The mother load of money? It almost disgusts me, it does not drive me and I am not even really that interested in it. I crave stability and simple happiness. Sure, I'm a girl, and I like to shop for little things, I wouldn't be normal if not....but I have learned in all the loss we have endured that nothing else matters and when I hear others craving the money, or the gifts, it turns me off big time. I have learned that none of it even matters one bit. I wish I could infuse that into others. But I know that I cannot. It must be learned on ones own. I cherish my boys. I cherish the experience of taking it slow and easy and taking them all in before things change and they grow up and bam, they are gone living their own lives. I am not interested in running them here and there and keeping them so busy they can't focus on it all. Lucas is gone, they are here, its a fact we live with and deal with and have now pretty much accepted. His heart condition won out, the surgeon who ruined his corrective surgery won out, and he is now in Heaven feeling much better than he likely ever did. I pray that he knows how much we wanted him to live, to get better, and how much we love him still, always, forever.......I pray he knows that I never will forget him, and that if I'm happy, it doesn't mean I have left him in the past. The guilt I still feel over that sometimes can consume me. I just don't show it...because after all, after these many years, people would worry about me if they knew what I was really fretting over...so much guilt. I feel I have let a lot of it go...and have gotten better. But the tears flowing down my face right now prove to me that its still stuck in my heart like heavy cement. So much guilt. But less so. If that makes sense. Imagine back then the amount of guilt. I have to let myself off the hook. I'm still working towards that. Work in progress...
The wounds are now scarred, but I know they are there, they only hurt intensely sometimes...but mostly I feel them all the time. Acceptance is key. I'm there with the acceptance; well, most of the way...I'm getting there.
Jenn
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