Royal Demons

I have these princely demons in my head, in my emotions. Here's the thing, I need to let them out. As much as it scares me, I need to be done with it, with that part of the grieving where I seem stuck.

I'm going to do something about it. I can't stand it anymore but I cannot allow myself to let go of all the pain and hurt he went through unnecessarily. If I let it go, it means he, and his pain, all of it, really meant nothing to anyone, most especially the doctor who put him in the very compromising position which ultimately caused his death. I need to confront him. Not in an angry out of control way. Not in a violent way, not at all. Just with words. I'm sure I'll be crying, I'm not sure I can even manage to set it all up. Can I go through with it? I'd want other doctors there. And I'm sure the hospital President would only allow it (if he even allowed it) on their terms, probably in a meeting room there, at the hospital. I'm sure there'd be all kinds of parameters we'd have to follow.

I need to take control of that part of my life. When Lucas was alive, we cherished him and loved him more than anything, immensely. Now that he's gone, it feels even more intense. As his mom, I can't bear to let some of these things go and they ultimately torture me. They aren't only demons, they are royal ones. The worst kind, that rule your life, rule the land you know?

Mental note to self: Make this the year you let yourself let go of the guilt.

Question of the hour: Can I really do it? It's hard to think, "Well Lucas would want you to let it go and be happy" because when he died he was only ten months old and could obviously not formulate a sentence. How do I know what he'd be thinking? Would it just be his spirit wanting me to be happy? This makes practical sense but my heart cannot equate that to anything that makes sense to IT (my heart).

I'm working on it. Been working on it for almost four years now. Constant work in progress.

J