It's not that I let the grief and sadness from the past hold me back from the happiness of today. Not that at all. I feel I owe him so much, and as a mother, I cannot let go of that. Simply cannot. It's now part of who I am and etched into me like nothing else. However, I know that happiness is here now in the boys. I am not so foolish to not see what is in front of me. I see it. I'm very thankful for it.
Ok, this is what I think, like it or not, as plain as I can make it. My father has died. It was sad. I still feel sadness and miss him to this day. With Lucas, my son, it was so different, in a child, you have so many hopes, and you know that they too will grow to have dreams and hopes. It's the epitome of parenthood; to have that in your child. The moment you know there is life in you, it begins then. SO. I have lost this child. I write about how it feels a lot. It's one of if not the only way I can properly express myself about it all. It doesn't mean I'm dwelling in it or lost in it forever. It's just that I don't shut up about the anger that I constantly feel, the sadness that gets me down, knocks me down still sometimes, and I KNOW, I KNOW, that other parents who have lost children feel the same as me, yet most of the time, they just stop expressing it. Why? Because, they know what I know, that others, dear family and friends need us to move on. For them, and for us. So they oblige them. They stop talking about it, the loss of their child. The memories of that child. How we get sad and cry for no apparent reason, for every reason in the world.
I am just a big mouth. I do what I need to do for me and for us. It might make for some pity, or some exasperation, or even some discomfort in others..... I don't know. I imagine it so.
The loss of a child at it's most basic level is catastrophic in hundreds of ways and it changes a person, a family. It just does. What more can you say? Really, not much.
Today is his birthday. Would have been four. Thank you to those of you who have expressed memory of him on this day. You have reached out and it means so much. I know it's hard to do and it's hard for me to accept it, but I do, and I appreciate it. You took a moment out of your day and I thank you. I know he is with us. I've said it a thousand times before. He is with is.
Jenn
You cook, you clean, you go to work, you nourish, you love, you scold, you are professional and yet you hang your hat on every dust particle in your home. You are a woman. Some women are Moms and some are not. You are still a woman. We are all made similarly. We are strong.
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