For Me

Naptime for the Littlest works for me because before I lay him in his crib, I kiss him, tell him I love him, tell him 'nigh nigh' and walk out with no eye contact. Sometimes I hear him flip over and stand up, but I know because I then peek back in that he quietly lays down and that is that. I know for a fact, if I were to turn around and look at him, make eye contact with him, it would be done. If our eyes met, he'd be all 'Mamma' wah wah wah. For me, it works.

Grieving doesn't work for me because it takes me on too many ups and downs. I think I have it beat and feel I'm on a better road then I have complete breakdowns with lots of sadness and deep aching for him, then I force myself to stop it, and move on. It's frustrating and sad, more than sad. Depressing I guess. Having said that, four years later, I suppose I have made some progress. Begrudgingly at times, but progress. Why begrudgingly? Because of the guilt. Plain and simple. Guilt can hold you back from so many things. If you let it. I have tried not to let it. Does anyone get to give me a grade? I'm constantly criticizing myself about everything. About how I handle things, could I be doing better (oh yes), could I be handling things better (oh yes)?

Life for me is intense because of losing Lucas. Love for me is intense because of losing Lucas. For me, I just do the best I can. I find sadness in more things than most. I try not to dwell in it but for me, I think that I'm destined to things others might not know. Writing about it helps.

Thanks for tuning in, because for me, it helps.

Jenn