Me.

So. I am impatient. To the extreme. I am independent. It is hard for me to accept help; I will when I know I have to but I pretty much have to be in dire straits. Where does this come from?

I recently took a personality test (work related) and it told me some things about my personality that I maybe knew but didn't want to face. Impatient to the far extreme (hmmm) and independent. Hate routine, hate to be boxed in, have a need to get it done effieciently, get it done fast, chop chop, be done with it.

Last night I went out for a work function. Saying goodbye at work to a co worker/peer who has become a friend of mine. It was fun; nice time really. I don't usually do that kind of thing. As soon as we got there, drinks all around. Can I say I never ever do that? Seriously. I'm being wild if I suddenly get a hair up my butt and have one glass of wine or a 'wine cooler' etc. Whoo Hooo. So knowing that, I sort of can't believe all I had to drink. Three martinis, two white russians (someone ordered those for me and at that point, what the hell, I drank them) and half a glass of wine. There we all are, having fun, some work talk, some personal talk, lots of pictures later, and we start talking about this personality test that we all took for work. WELL. Apparantly it's well known I mean, how could it not be, if that's who I am that's who I am and I'm known for my impatience. Kind of a joke at the table. Now I must admit, I showed some impatient traits during some conversations and some of the toasts, and so why am I getting all upset, I was catching myself rushing things along, 'come on come on come on, say the toast already' and then when the other person couldn't think of the words she wanted to say, I butted in and threw something out there and everyone just died laughing. What? What's so funny? I can't stand the stammering. Get it out, say it. If you don't, I will. Then I realized the absurdity of what I was thinking, saying, feeling and I got upset. I'm sure the alcohol didn't help.

What am I? Am I a nice person? Am I even nice? I am so mean inside. I don't want to be that way. I know everyone is made differently. I got a good look at how others view me last night. They were laughing, it was all in fun, but I so took it to heart. Damn it. Whatever I am, I don't like that others know it and I had to realize it. If I had to describe myself, I think I could but I don't know what it would all mean.

And to think; I saw a therapist. It's hard to tell. I'm quite the messed up individual.

J