Remember the Days..

I had a revelation tonight. Age. It's something isn't it? My honey told me "you're one of those people who gets stuck on age and the numbers". I'm not really. The years can go by, and they do, and we can't stop them. They come and they go. Christmas comes faster every year and summer whizzes by. What can you do? Cherish it I tell you. I think I used to have my head buried in the sand a lot. Before Lucas. Now, I'm probably meaner, wiser, more outspoken, more loving, and probably more of a cynic. More negative characteristics you'll notice but if you can, you'll have to forgive me, there was a moment in my life that was so jarring, so altering, it can never be undone. My faith in God will be the only thing to get me through. And I do pray a lot. Promise you that. I pray for patience, less anger, more love in my heart, peace towards people and compassion because it's hard for me to find it sometimes. I know I'm a good person because it's how I was raised. To care, to take initative, to do a good job, to want better and work for it. No other way. You have to work for things you want and that isn't always a matieralistic outcome or end to a means. It can be love. It can be happiness in the face of a child...it doesn't have to be a new this or that.

These are some things that I can think back and remember and probably cherish the most--

• playing tennis in high school and one semester of college; it was a sport I chose and had to fight for. My parents (sorry mom :)) didn't want me to play it when I started in tenth grade. I think it was a life defining moment. It was the first time I really had to stand up for myself and in the end, I won. I'm glad I did. I enjoyed tennis so much and I think it was something I independently owned. My sister followed in my footsteps and I'm sure at the time, it got on my nerves because this was MINE (back then, probably a selfish teenagers point of view) but looking at it from this perspective so many years later, how great you know? She wanted to do what I did. How cool is that? Regardless, it was something I was naturally good at. Loved it. I remember having so much fun playing tennis. In my senior year, I was really good. Not perfect, not the best, but having worked hard to get where I was, I was pretty good and I was proud I acheived it. It was something I had to fight for. My parents wanted me to play softball for the school. I didn't want to. I had visions of getting my head busted in half from the fast pitched ball. Sure my sister and I played slow pitch softball every single summer and I loved that great. Had a blast. But that's MUCH different from fast pitch and I just wasn't into it. I was petrified and much to my Dad's chagrine, I wanted to play tennis. Well, I did it. I owned it and I'm glad.
• Our first date (he took me to a movie that you would have had to DRAG me to kicking and screaming but I happily went with him and then after we went for a late dinner at which we argued about the important things in life; what we wanted to do with our futures and what were good occupations to get into. I absolutely loved and it made a huge impact on me that first date, we talked about such big things with such passion and we were on both sides of the spectrum at times that it was really a sign of things to come. What did we know? Heck, we were just on our first date.....honestly, he was getting on my nerves with his banter. Oh my. What little I knew then...)
• I remember vividly the births of all three of my sons. Like crystal clear water, I can see each day perfectly. I can hear the ting of a shiny new needle hitting the floor, I know all the details exactly. Each of these days for incredibly different reasons, were life markers for me. My husband played a huge huge role in each of these days. He was exactly how much support I needed. He knew, I don't know how, but he knew innately how much I needed him and never stepped over the line and never under supported either. Except the time he kept touching my legs (to massage them I think) when they were numb. It made them feel like they were floating above me and it was ticking me off! I kept telling him to stop touching my legs and he apparantly couldn't help himself (I mean who couldn't help themselves I was only a 700 pound cow who was about to go into God knows what kind of laber, I'm sure I looked all kind of beautiful).....other than that time...he was a perfect (sorry to say go ahead and gag now) support system. He was gentle and loving and there. He was there. He never left. Not for a thing. I don't know, maybe for an errand, a thing or two, with my blessing, but he was there. You know? When my boys were introduced into this world, it was the most binding moment in our lives. His eyes, I just looked into his eyes. My whole world was there. The three of us, each time, and no one else mattered at those moments. Life changing. Life markers. Kind of like melted steel binding you that much stronger..
• Lucas's death. Big. So big. Taller than the Empire State Building. Bigger than the clouds. Big. The kind of big that I wanted to end it all, and leave with him. And anyone who knows how much I love my oldest son and husband, knows that is saying a lot. I wanted nothing more, and I mean nothing more than to go with him all the way to Heaven. How could I leave him? He leave me? Excuse me? God was going to take care of him? Really? I don't think so. It wasn't good enough. None of it. Only I was good enough for him. Only I could take care of him the right way. The window in that hospital room was so big, like a huge wall spanning picture window. We were up on the --I don't now---fourth floor or something? I wanted to jump through the glass. I think at the moment I saw no more breaths coming from his little body, after four months of pure torture and watching all this transpire, I wanted to jump and soar with him. I wanted to go. It was a feeling I never thought I would have; wanting to leave this world so badly, not thinking I deserved to stay one moment longer....thinking his death was all my fault. I remember that day...I remember the days....the following days....yes lets talk about life markers....that was one of them. Changed me forever. I have now made peace with God I think. I flare up every now and then. Sure I do. I think it's natural. Time has helped sooth my anger. I don't think it's gone. Just by the tears that are falling down my face right now, I know it's all still there, just less intense. One day, it will all make sense. Somehow it will. I trust that it all will just fall into place. Even if it's God Himself that is telling me how the puzzle fit together, someday I will know.

Oh there are more. Little moments here and there....but those are big ones. Ones that have made me who I am today. Crazy, intense, go getter, sane and insane me. Everyone knows that time marches by. Everyone knows that you need to take the bull by the horns and do what you can here and now. Like walking in a relay for life march? Why do it? Why bother? Because. It matters. Or providing dinners to the local Ronald McDonald House? Why do it? Why bother? Because. It matters. Holding the door for an elderly person? Helping them into the store? Why? Because. It matters.

Maybe if we try to live our lives right, in the end it WILL matter. We only have this one time; right? Ya think one of the lightening strikes hit me in my sleep and that's why I have gotten up at this horrible hour with all of this on my mind? I bet that's what happened. Oh boy.

Big, small, happy, sad. It's life. Sorry my posts have been so, well, you know, strange. It's what runs through my mind people. Love me or not.

A Mom, A Wife, and a Writer. That is me.