Low

I have just come from my oldest son's school. Helped out a little with a class centers day. As I was leaving, I walked slowly down the hall to take in the art the children had done. It was proudly displayed for all to see. One of the art projects they had done was "New Year's Wish" and the children all had silly wonderful innocent child like wishes. One wished for no more school. One wished for every day to be Saturday. One wished for ice cream for every meal. I even saw where one wished for no bed times. Then I came across my son's paper. Everything went into very slow motion right then. He had drawn a picture of a tall bed (like a hospital bed) with a baby in it and an angel floating over it --with what looked like an IV pole beside it. There was a long doorway that he had drawn that had yellow crayon marks all around it like the rays of the sun. These were the words he wrote.

I wish for my brother because I miss him so much. I hope he is having fun and happy and eating healthy too.

The tears were falling silently. What child is this? My child. There are no words to describe how I feel right now.

You know, it comes out of nowhere. It just does. It's like I'm gliding along in life and all is well (or my version of well) and then something happens to throw me off of my axis. It could be a big tilt or a small one. I will tell you that I fully believe Lucas is no longer sick. This helps me to be alright with his absence. I know God has him carefully in his hands. That makes it better. I didn't need Lucas to die. At least, I don't understand why God felt the need to take him. Maybe He thought we needed it to have something else happen. It precipitated Jacob's birth. Was I supposed to love harder? Love more passionately my next child? Was I not loving Lucas the right way? No, of course not. Do I love Jacob harder, more infinately, more passionately? Yes. I think I needed to go through that so I could stop. Stop running so fast, stop running through life and not cherishing what I was supposed to. That's what it made me do. I now relish in my time with Jacob. I now realize how precious his laugh is as he is laughing. I now look in those eyes and actually wonder, "What part of him is in you?" His eyes are so deep. So knowing. But I also thought that of Lucas.

Every mother is blessed with her children and they all bring something so perfect, so wonderful to this world. Something unique and precious. My three sons, they have brought me so much joy in so many ways on so very many levels. While I'm feeling a bit sad right now, I know something will come around the corner and I'll be ok. Because I am ok. No matter what life throws at me, I am ok.

I'm just sayin'-I'm so proud of you Noah. You'll never know how much.

--Jenn