Tomorrow is an anniversary but not exactly a happy one. I guess it could be if I were in a better place about it but sadly, still, I'm not.
Lucas died two years ago tomorrow. Jacob arrived just in the nick of time to save our hearts, I suppose. There is this one song, I don't know the name, they play it on K-Love, a national radio station. The words make me cry. They bring me to lots of memories--hard memories. Today has been hard, crying for no reason, crying for every reason, crying while looking at Jacob, just crying. Comes and goes.
We will go to the cemetary first thing in the morning. We will remember you; as if we could ever forget you. Sorry, I'm slipping into talking to him. If only your heart had been normal. If only you never needed that damn surgery. If only I hadn't handed you to those two nurses that fateful day, never to see you normal again. If only, if only, if only. So many if onlys
I will close my eyes and get through this day. I love you so much Lucas. You represent so much to all of us. A piece of you in all of us someone said very recently to me. So true. The largest part has been left with Noah, your Daddy, and me. There is a part of my heart that is especially reserved for you, no one ever to touch again. Not Noah, not Jacob, not your Daddy......it's all yours. You were and are our angel baby in Heaven....
I remember you always.
Mamma
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