Just when you least expect it...

You think you are strong. You think are gliding along and doing well. It's amazing. Lucas will have been gone two years in August. Two years. That is a long time. Two years that my son died. I've been through such a metamorphosis --- up and down---down and up. Hangin in the middle; not sure where I am sometimes but I have gotten through and that is the bottom line. The amazing thing is that on days where I have a lot going on (sometimes very self inflicted) I don't mainly focus on the sad feelings. Today was one of those days. Out of the blue, on those days, one little thing can set you off course, can take your breath away, can knock you to your knees. That happened to me today.

I went to my OB Dr. Had to get the blood work done for gestational diabetes testing. I'm sitting there heavily stressed over the needle going in my arm and fully focused on that. Around the corner comes this woman who I immediately recognize. It's the small things. It really is. She is the woman who helped me in my 'breast feeding endeavor' with Lucas when he was born. She has a very distinct face, she is an African American woman, beautiful woman, and what sets her apart is that she has freckles on her face. I was in my safe zone in my safe day and this one little memory, this one little jolt was it. I immediately had tears in my eyes and the nurse who was getting ready to draw blood asked if I was alright. I couldn't talk. I was taken back (in my mind) to the room with Lucas who was one day old and this woman helping me get it right with breast feeding. I remember she was so very helpful. I remember back then, I made my mom write down her name so I could later send her a thank you. So there I am, holding in all the emotions that need to come out. I did not want to lose it in the office. I was literally forcing myself not to think about that woman I just saw or any of the memories she brought just with the sight of her. So the nurse is there, "Ms. Mendoza, Ms. Mendoza, are you alright?" I had to say something and so I told her I just yawned and just needed a tissue, my eyes water when I yawn (this is true but it just wasn't true right then). I get through all that, fine whatever, I'm still emotional, but I'm forcing myself to just get through. I could feel it all building up.

I go back into the exam room and was waiting for my normal doctor whom I love and what do you know? I hear a knock on the door and lo and behold, it's her. The woman. Apparantly, she is in training, she is changing fields, no more focus on teaching breast feeding at the Hospital, and I'm the lucky one today, she is going to examine me with my normal Doctor coming in after. I could barely speak. What I had been fighting in my emotions was ready to come rolling out. All I could think or see was Lucas as a small infant. I could almost smell him. I wanted to be out of that room. Thank God, my normal doctor came in early, just when the other woman was saying, "you look familiar to me, where do I know you from, have you ever breastfed a child?"

She had no idea what I was feeling, what I wanted to say, she didn't know. It wasn't her fault. I felt like I was screaming inside. So when my doctor came in, I literally forced myself to look at her face and focus on her and nothing else. No tears, no tears, no tears, stop stop stop I kept saying over and over in my head.

I finished up, did all I needed to do, said my goodbyes, went quickly up front, made my next appointment with tears streaming down my face silently and I left. Surprisingly, when I got in the car, I felt calm. Maybe too calm. About twenty minutes later, it all came out.

God how I miss that little boy. I'm not saying I can't move ahead. I'm not saying I'm stuck in this unhealthy place. I'm just saying, when you least expect it......you can really get knocked on your butt. Those are the moments I hate. I cannot stand not being in control of my emotions. I would much rather dictate when and where I let it out. Clearly, once again, I'm reminding myself that I don't have that control. Never will. God has it; doesn't he?

-J