When Children Die

It takes the wind out of you and knocks you on your literal knees. They didn't do anything. At the time, you can't see it, you can't fathom it, but later, much much later, you're able to start comprehending that they were here for a reason. It takes peace and an open mind to be able to consider the idea at first but even then, you still fight with yourself...and God. To this day, I still do. Its been almost six years ago that my middle son died. In a way it feels like a million years but it also feels like it just happened and I can remember every detail when I put my mind to it. I don't like to do that very much because sadly, still, the hard times comes racing to my mind far more quickly than the happy times. I'd say I'm probably still coping with Lucas' death. Maybe always will be.

When I hear that a child has died, a part of me shuts down for a little while. I go there. I wish I didn't but maybe it's a natural reaction. I had some friends who were there for me, right there, and I pushed them all away. Far far away. I wanted no one to help me, I wanted no one to reach out to me, I was so angry. I don't think I was angry with them but suddenly, I was truly very angry. I morphed into someone else, probably a bitter person at first, just snapped at anything and became overly obsessive about the safety of the Oldest. I always have been more mother hen anyway but when Lucas died, it multiplied ten fold, I think for both my husband and I. Think that part has never gone away. I cannot even begin to imagine losing another child and if it's something I can help or prevent, and I didn't, well, I think I'd just die. Literally. Cannot go through that again. Funny so many people always said and still say I'm so strong. Nothing could be further from the truth. Weak, weak, weak. So weak.

Current day I've morphed again. I'm more at peace with myself and probably to some extent do think I've accepted what happened to Lucas. Sure I still cry and get upset but my guess is that is normal. It's certainly way less than it used to be and I find that reassuring. We still graple with certain things that come up for the Oldest and the Littlest' sake and we all openly talk about Lucas, even though the Littlest never met him he absolutely knows he existed and that he's in Heaven now. He can't comprehend more than that at this point. I'm more focused on giving back just because it's the right thing to do. I don't think I ever was on that plane before Lucas was born or died. I can say that I wasn't even close to being that enlightened. Ignorance was bliss I suppose but not in a literal way, just wasn't there, had no clue. For me, doing kind things, unexpected things, giving back is freeing and so gratifying. I think in my mind, whatever little things I'm doing are all in the name of Lucas, somehow, someway, he guides me like that. It's so extremely hard to explain. I just know that it makes people better. Makes them happy. Makes them smile, even if only for a moment. I'm no saint. I know that. But just a changed person.

Guess it's true in this life we all change as we age. I've had certain things that have changed my life, mile markers if you will. I can look backwards and see them clearly and realize that after passing those mile markers, I took sharp turns or a long winding road to sudden realizations. It's so metaphorical but yet, so literal.

When you lose a child, no one can tell you what to do or how to feel. You have to do it yourself. You have to go through it alone, even if you have your soulmate right by your side the entire time. You are two different people and deal with things so very differently. That is absolutely normal. Allow each other that. It's ok. I had to learn that in the moments I was sad, he might not have been and vice versa. You have to walk the hard road by yourself. I did not allow much support because I'm stubborn like that. I advise you do, but then, it's whatever you need in your life. Only you know. I pray a lot. I always did. Even when I was mad at Him. Its cathartic. I prayed for the strength I never had and so desparately wanted. Prayed for many things. Just because you ask, doesn't mean you'll get it. That's part of the journey isn't it? You can't be handed things, or I just suppose you'll never learn. We may not know the meaning of Lucas' death till we're standing in front of God but until that day comes, six years later, maybe, just maybe, I'm more at peace about it. Watching the last breath of life leave his little body in that big hospital bed after four months of fighting was the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my entire life bar none, but I lived through it. What I thought would kill me did not. Know that.

Just know that.