Life life life

I have so many interactions with different people, friends, and really good ones. I don't take anything for granted. I feel the moment and I cherish the time. My perspective demands it, it's the norm for me now. It's the only way to be. Live in the moment but look forward to the new ones, no looking back. You can't change anything. You could try, you could pay someone off, you could wish it and will it but you cannot change the past. You can barter with God, if you think that'll work, you could beg him to strike you dead, it won't change the thing you want it to. Or the things. Having learned that in the span of five years, I only look forward. When I catch myself looking back, I feel it and pull my head forward. Ahead. Now. The future.

Last night went out with the girls and at some point we talked very openly about Lucas. I never cried. Not one tear. Only once was there a fear of a tear and it passed, it never fell. I saw tears in their eyes and I was still strong. We talked about so much, but on the topic of Lucas, we went there. There and back. This is the conclusion I think we came to...and I am the one who said it...well, let me tell you what preceded it first....someone said, "If I knew my child was born and taken too early and there was no reason or it wasn't pre determined already when she was born the day she was going to die then I couldn't take it. If it was senseless, I couldn't take it." I knew what she was saying. She was saying, 'don't let it have been in vain'. I agree. I so whole heartedly agree. Don't let Lucas' life have been in vain is the feeling that pumps through my heart and body every day since he died. And I'm not exxaggerating. To that I said, "Maybe, just maybe, Lucas was born so that doctor would not be able to operate on any other babies after him. That sucks doesn't it? But yes, maybe that was the reason for his life." Well. To say that out loud, to them, after two margaritas and no tears? I have no idea, but there you go.

I feel the reasons for his life were more than that though. While that is maybe the biggest reason, there is also purpose, and love, and hearts having grown bigger and the strength that he unwittingly gave us both during his life and after it. Hopefully there is also friends and family learning not to take their children for granted-ever. By watching us, hopefully they learned that. There's a lot of reasons Lucas was here. And you know, who am I to say I know the reason for his life? I'm sure God will set me straight on that one day as I stand before him. I'm so omnipotent aren't I? No. Not even close. These are things I feel may be right, but I defer to God on it. I know I'll find out one day.

Love your life, it's yours. Enjoy your life, no one else can. Don't fret over how hard you have it, it could always (always) be worse. Take time for yourself, if you don't, no one else will make you and you'll be no good for anyone, including yourself OR your family. I say learn from events in your life and look ahead for ways you can improve and give back because of what you have learned.

I hope that is the right way to be. I can only hope.