Life..... and Death......

This has nothing to do with Lucas. So you know.

Someone I knew from a long time ago, would consider her an old friend, died last Friday. I found out on Wednesday. The viewing was that night. Found out and went on the same day. Not much time to process. She was only 58 and died of cancer. Evil cancer. Immediately said I would go to the viewing. As the time drew closer, I chickened out and decided I would not. My husband had another idea and insisted I go; right thing to do and all that.

I have told this story many times but if not for her, quite possibly my honey and I might never have met. He has lots of times given her credit for 'us'. You know those people in your life who come and go, have tons of meaning, serve a certain purpose that you don't realize until you look backwards? She was one of them. When I saw her through the years afterwards, we'd always stop and talk, catch up, give hugs, and walk away (I think, at least on my part) glad we had touched base again. She was a go getter, lots of energy, a mover and a shaker, never sat still for long. To see her that night in that casket....well....it didn't seem real. Not even close. I was upset throughout the day and had been crying (of course) before I even got there. I brought an old photo album with lots of pictures of us being silly and even a couple with her and her oldest daughter.....I wanted to share these old memories and thought it apropriate. I ended up giving them all the pictures they wanted; they took all but two. I was glad I brought them. Her oldest daughter left me one with her mom and my husband and one with me and her mom. As I stood there and said a prayer by her side, with tears silently running down my face, I knew there was a higher power. I felt it to my core. And I knew she was there, right there. I'm all twisted with death and why it happens and when it happens and just all screwed up with it. I sometimes feel the person never died. I felt that again. I was more visibly upset than her two daughters but I knew they were being strong for their "Mommie"...grown girls in their 20's/30's. My visit was quick enough but hopefully meaningful.

I went to honor you, Betty. I think you were taken too soon. But God thought that was the exact right time. I suppose that's how death is. We never know when it will come, but we know it will come. For me, it's the reason I really try to live my life right. The whole kindness thing. The whole volunteer thing. Helping others blah blah. It's really not blah blah to me but you know what I mean. I still have visions of her like that in my head and that is one of the reasons I did not want to go. Would rather have remembered her the way she was the last time I saw her but so it goes. Can't really control that and it is what it is.

Life is beautiful and meant to live out loud. Remember what is most important. Death isn't the end, I know that. It doesn't mean we can't be sad about it. This is the part I struggle with the most. I envy those that are happy at funerals, who think that it's a celebration. I realize it is a time to celebrate that person's life, I know that to my core but I get caught up in the 'they're gone' part. I'm all messed up with God on that part. I continue to work and get it right...I guess that's the path of life. Figuring it out and striving to do it right...staying on the right path...sometimes it's easy and sometimes it's hard. Would be no fun if not a challenge, right?

You will be missed, Betty. Even though I didn't see you all the time, I will tell you that you will be missed. Fly with your beautiful wings, fly fly fly. Big hugs to you.

Jenn