This Is NOT My Breast

I have no idea if this is an image of a healthy breast or not and that really isn't the point for this post. I got my first mammogram today. I know it's not Breast Cancer Awareness Month so really, what's the big deal? Well, it's a big deal to me because I'm taking my health seriously. I'm a woman and I want to live a long healthy life. I know all too often we take our health for granted and I wanted to take a proactive stand to make sure I'm on my game; always. I am two years away from forty years old and it's about time I start taking the health (or not) of my breasts seriously. I have only ONCE done a self exam. That is horrible! Want to know why? Because I'm absolutely horrified I will find something. How ignorant is that? Very. All these years, each year of my adult life, I have worried and wondered and at the same time refused to do what all doctors recommend; self breast exams.

So today, I did it. The technician proudly told me they had all the new technology; digital imaging machines. I had no idea. I had no idea how they did it in the first place. Each time she took a picture, she invited me over to look at the image. In general (and it's all Greek to me) it looked like this one. Did I know what I was looking at? No. What's all the white stuff? What's all the dark stuff? How does it look so perfectly shaped when my breast was as flat as a pancake? That I DID wonder...

She took four pictures. Two straight on (with my breast so flat I felt it was going to be pulled off my body) and two that were at angels (now THAT was not fun). But let me tell you. When it was done, I felt a world of worry oozing from my every pore, a weightlessness about me that I could not explain. I think everything will be fine but even if I get bad news (which I have no reason to believe I will), at least I'll know. And from now on, I will have one of these as often as they recommend. I don't think I'll ever be hip to do the self exams, don't ask me why, maybe there's something about being alone and thinking you feel something. It's so stupid, I know it is. But there it is; the truth as I know it. That is my truth. Admitting my fears to you all. These are my moments. Moments in my life. Welcome to them. If you are a woman and you are reading this, let this be your moment. Realize that every moment in this life is precious and to be respected, not wiled away or taken for granted. That I refuse to do. I respect this gift too much. I know I'm here for a reason. To teach the boys to water flowers, respect our Earth, love fiercely, grow up with manners and respect for all things, and for my husband, because without him, I'm not the fullest sense of me I can be. He is the reason for so much in my life and he gives me purpose. If I ignore my health because I'm afraid, well, then I can't be here for the reasons I'm meant to. We're all kind of strong around here. Somehow it just got to be that way. Don't ask me when. Don't ask me how. But we are. I would be weak if I continued to be afraid. So that propels me forward. Long time ago there were baby steps. When I look behind me, somewhere along the way, the steps got bigger. While Lucas has nothing to do with this, he has literally everything to do with this. Go figure. Makes absolutely no sense but yet it's crystal clear. If you know me, then it probably makes sense. If you don't, your lost by now, for sure.

It doesn't hurt, it's not painful, but its uncomfortable. Worth it. Glad it's behind me, but worth it. We'll see what they say. I'll post a part two when I find out. If you are near forty, forty, or older, and never had a mammogram, do yourself a favor. Go now. You are not invincible. None of us are.

-J