Life and Death

Let me preface that this is absolutely not at all about Lucas. Not one sentence. Not even in an indirect way. So read on knowing that. I can assure you, this is about something very different.

When you grow old, and you've had the distinct pleasure of having grown that old with the love of your life, sharing ups and downs, highs and lows, joy and sorrow and the best years of your life, I can only imagine that you look backwards and realize what really has mattered more than anything else, was that you had love. Boy isn't THAT a run on. But won't it be true? Isn't it true? How will you feel when your best friend and the love of your life, the one who has made your highs even higher, dies? It's going to happen. It's not a matter of if but purely a matter of when. Will you feel alone? I can only imagine (and for me it will be true) that it will shatter my world and I will feel utterly alone. That's why it's so important to make every moment matter, even the mundane ones. Even the ones when you are eating a quiet dinner because you've had a crappy day and you don't even want to look them in the eye much less speak about the day, those moments matter-because you are safe with them. That small detail often passes us by doesn't it?

I've watched it happen, to my Grand parents, one after the other. I have my Gramma (who we went to see in Ohio) still here and thank goodness. But my Granpa, my Granma, my Granny, my Pa Pa, they all have passed away and when the first one died, the other left behind, well, I never asked, but I could see, even though I was much younger, I could see it was painful.

I watched my Pa Pa (from the eyes of a young girl, my perspective was this) almost will himself slowly to die, he missed her so much. He even told me that one time, he was supposed to be napping and I found him laying down on a sitting bench in the hall, silently crying. I asked him what was wrong and he said, "I miss her" it was all he could say. I got on my knees and hugged him and sat there while he lay with his eyes closed, not too proud to cry in front of me but yet not wanting me to see him openly crying.

It's funny how we bring life into this world and we watch it leave and somewhere along the way we're supposed to have learned lots of lessons. Don't tell me it isn't a journey. Don't tell me every single thing isn't already planned by God. And by His Grace we all are here, but with that same Grace we leave this place, in whatever way he sees fit. Even if it's painful to those that love us, how we leave puts an indelible mark on this Earth. As we stand and watch it all happen, in shock and sorrow, no matter how prepared we may feel, it's surreal and we ache.

Give the love back that you get. Give the hugs back that you get. Give the smiles back that you get. Even when you don't get it, and you feel that chip on your shoulder getting too heavy from all the wrongs that have come your way, give all those things back anyway. You'll be better for it. I promise. This, I know. I have faith that Someone is watching and I have faith that if we live this way, our family will have no questions ever that we love them. When that time comes, all will be said and all will be done. We can only hope.

My heart is so with you A.

Jenn