I don't want you to think I'm totally stuck in my grief. I'm not. Just that certain things bring it more to the forefront. Then I write. It's like a knee jerk reaction. It's soothing.
It does look like a baby chick. And from heart break comes new life, new love, and more beginnings. In millions of ways. I see that, I get it, I do know it. It's metaphorical. Actually, lots of things in my life are metaphorical; mainly I look for that stuff now, ways to bring meaning to things that boggle my mind.
With the Littlest and has come all of those things above and more. And watching the Oldest grow, that too has sprung tons of new feelings that sometimes even intensely wash away the other stuff. When I write about Lucas, I am not saying I can't see my boys here. I see them and I love them more strongly than I could ever express. But when I'm writing about any grief I might be feeling at that moment in time, I'm channeling and venting. Please tell me someone, please tell me this is natural. If how I express my broken heart from having lost a son is irregular or repeititive I don't know how to change that. I don't know how to take it away or make it better. Or less so than it is.
I love them all. Every one of them. I just happen to really miss the one that is not here.
j
1 comment:
i wish i could take all the hurt from you! but i can see that things are different now. i dont think anyone expects you to get over losing your son! so dont apologize! everytime you talk about it....you take one step forward!
love you cousin! tracy
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