Why do we do it? Why do I do it? I mean, it's clearly selfish. There's clearly something better I could be doing with my time. To sit here and write about things that sometimes make no sense...babbling on forever about the injustices of the world and sometimes, my life? What if any satisfaction do I get from it? Lots!
It's a great way to reach out to the world, to other mom's...to make sure...to find out how crazy I am. Ok, well, uh, I mean, to find out how crazy I am not. Right right. It's a way to justify the crazy thoughts that fly through my head. I know I do not have the high traffic that other more popular "mommy blogs" have and maybe one day I will. However I suspect my writing style doesn't match those mommy bloggers who have more of a readership than I do. I'm not as savvy with the business end of it all. Purely think that is a product of not devoting as much time to it as they do but I think I put enough on/off time to my blog right now; enough for me at this moment in my life that is. Maybe one day I'll be a RedNeck Mommy but this day I'm just a
Balancing Mommy. I'm not a mommy who has it together; not much is together in my life and sometimes I wonder if someone will catch on to the big scam. Will someone soon figure out that I really don't know what I'm doing after all? The big overinflated confidence is really a syndrome called 'Faking the Funk'? Maybe. Maybe one day someone will see it.
I write here mostly to free my soul a little. I don't think this (or I hope it hasn't though sometimes it's questionable) has become an homage to Lucas too much. When he's on my mind heavily, I write about it. I try to keep it somewhat light but maybe that effort is in vain. I think I blog to keep in touch, to help myself know I'm not the only twisted one, and to document. So that in twenty years my boys can say 'We knew she was crazy but who knew....?' Yah, I knew. I know. It's a chance to mix it up and to take a little time back for me. Because the truth is, in the day to day, in the grind of it all, when I'm laying on the carpet trying to help build a train track, dodging getting knocked in the head from a flying train remote control from the sweet little boy who keeps walking the same path to try to break (or not break) the track apart, with the insane ramblings of my very darling eight year old buzzing in my ear and my husband completely egging them both on I truly think in some tiny tiny corner of my mind, in the way back of my mind, there is voice. A small voice that is crying, whispering, saying, "run, run, run, head for the bathroom, take cover, lock the door and just breathe in the quiet, get some time, steal some time for yourself. YOU DESERVE IT!" and since I never do those things, I come here. When it's quiet in the house or when the Littlest is napping or when I can steal a moment. This has come to be my repreive and my solace. One day maybe it will all make sense. Or more sense. But for now, it's just my little place. Kind of like a self serve. Drive up, get what you need and keep on truckin'. Don't need any help, no need for full service. I am woman. Here me ROAR.
You cook, you clean, you go to work, you nourish, you love, you scold, you are professional and yet you hang your hat on every dust particle in your home. You are a woman. Some women are Moms and some are not. You are still a woman. We are all made similarly. We are strong.
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