We Are In Control; The Oldest

I remember the 2nd night we were home from the hospital with the Oldest. He was maybe five days old. Of course, probably lots of parents feel odd when leaving the hospital with this new little human being, 'they're LETTING me take him HOME? really? they must not know I am clueless, let me just pretend I know what I'm doing...' . I TOTALLY felt that. Drive home slow. Under the speed limit. Precious cargo! Bring them in the door, leave them in the carrier (what the heck else are you supposed to do with him? it seems a safe bet to leave him be for a while), take pictures while he sweetly sleeps with the beanie cap on his head. Sit and stare. Smile at your honey. Look what we DID! Life is good. Pride abounds. Blah blah blah. Then you look at each other. I mean, really look at each other. Lock eyes. What now? You can actually HEAR the screeching brakes in your mind. And so it begins.

The second night, yes yes, the second night, where was I? So there we are, trying to sleep for an hour knowing the minutes would fly by and crying would ring out in the night, the cries of a hungry baby....sleep sleep, close your eyes, fall asleep, start a prayer, it works every time, just as you are nodding off, "waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh" and like a flash I am there by his cradle. He needs a diaper change (ugh). NOW. I distinctly remember that with the Oldest (and quite obviously the first child of three) I refused to change his diaper in the beginning. Pretty funny; huh? I thought I was going to hurt him. I really did, no laughing, and I declared early on, before we left the hospital that I would not be changing diapers. After I saw that nurse whip those legs up, masterfully wipe and re dipe, I thought to myself, "Good LORD I'll kill that baby, he's too fragile. I'm NOT changing his diapers. The end." And my husband, sweet soul that he can be was so gentle and adept, he got it right away. So there you go I said, job taken, it's all yours. Well of course you know how long that lasted, right? Till the morning of day 3 at home; exactly. Yes, yes, right, back to the 2nd night at home, good grief I keep getting off track.

Where were we? Oh yes, "waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh" and like a flash I was there, he needs a diaper change and I take him to the changing table but wait patiently for my honey to follow me like he was supposed to (remember, no changing diapers). And I'm sure to my husband this was an absurd thought but given I'd just gone through hell and high water to produce this little boonsok, well, I'm sure he was just temporarily obliging me. He arrives after some verbal prodding (who me?) and I stand behind him, oddly looking at this little alien baby, this thing that now commands our every waking second with needs, needs, needs. I stand behind him thinking, "what was I THINKING?" and I watch in amazement at how great he is doing, taking off the diaper, wiping, talking softly, I remember I was so very tired, I dazed out for a moment, like I was there standing up, but I think sleeping at the same time, maybe lulled by my honey's voice. Suddenly, he stands up from bending down to the changing station, stands straight up like a board and yells out loud (while the diaper is off), "He's peeing!" and then as we stand there, not knowing what to do, watching a huge yellow stream of urine go all over the baby, the wall, my husbands shirt, everywhere, we still stand there, looking at this thing like it was something from another planet. We look at each other. The baby is crying. We start laughing. Laughing at the absurdity of it all. How tired we both were. That we were supposed to know what to do. I mean, of course, we knew what to do, but you know, at that precise moment in time, it was so escaping us. And I'll never forget. To this day I still recount it (clearly I do) to my husband, remember what you said that time the Oldest peed on us in the middle of the night? And we laugh. It's true. He said, "We.Are.In.Control. We.Are.In.Control. We.Are.In.Control." over and over and over and that pushed some button in me and I went to the next level. Laughing? Do you know me? I have a big laugh. Don't hold back; ever. Then you start laughing just because you are laughing. And the waves of exhaustion come over you, and you lose it. The poor baby. I'm sure he was more alarmed than ever. Who ARE these people? What is going ON? What is all this NOISE? I wanna go back to my safe dark place nowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww! KaWaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Yah. Notsomuch. Oh we laughed. It was the epitome of zero control, zero knowing, and 100% zero confidence. It was then we realized, ok, this is it. Sink or swim, no nurse is coming to help us, we gotta clean this place up, get this baby wrapped up like a baby burrito and get on with it. And we did. A moment in time. Frozen forever with that one pure hilarious memory.

Now I look at him. All eight and half big boy, walking around like he owns the place (he does). Being all smart and what not. Giving us a time or two with his behavior. Being a kind big brother. Being a mean big brother. Being a stinker. Being a defender of me. Walking with me so valiantly, partly to protect me, partly to get some exercise in. All the while pushing his boundaries, loving school, loving soccer, golf, hanging out with his Granpa, becoming a slight bit of a movie buff, and growing so fast. Where did it all go? I realize from past experiences, we want to be in control, but we're so not. It's like a mantra. We SAY "we are in control" but we completely 100% know we are not. It's like a little joke. A big joke. Not one that God plays on us but one we play on ourselves, in our own minds. I am thankful for him. He drives me wild and I know it will only become more challenging as he learns to express himself and realizes there is more he can do and think and say. Heads will butt. But in the name of love, in the name of how two parents love one child unconditionally heart and soul, it will be worth it. Man I love that boy. -----We already know we aren't in control, yah, we figured that out pretty quick. We have lots of attempts at control with rules and guidelines though. Somehow it all balances out.

Go figure. It's that balance thing again. Pretty cool how it all comes full circle.