Things.

I have had things swirling in my head. I have avoided my place here for the main reason of avoiding what I've been avoiding.

We got a letter in the mail that the Board of Medicine for our state has finally completed it's review of the surgeon's work and case with Lucas. I didn't know something could sting so much. I really didn't know. I think I would have much rather had someone cut my arm deeply and watched blood gush out as someone poured alcohol on it. I would have rathered that than what I read in that letter. They told us that he did nothing wrong. Hmm. Well. Really. Ok. I mean, did you just read that? They told us that in their review, they found nothing wrong. Just what, I mean, really, just what am I supposed to do with that? What is my husband supposed to do with that? Can someone help me process this information that I keep ignoring? I talked with my middle sister. I talked with my mom. Then I stopped. Because the scab was coming off, it was loosening. And with each crying session, all both of them I let myself have, and the little bit of crazy rambling I let out of my mouth, I realized, this is too scary. I can't really deal with this right at this moment in my life. So. I won't.

I will write a letter to the surgeon. I will include the letter I wrote him but never delivered way back then, after he died. He will get both. That's all I can do for now. I'm only allowing myself that. For now.

I.have.a.son.who.died. He.is.gone.

I held him moments before he died and I whispered things to him, told him I loved him, and said, "go be with God, it's time" and slowly, he went. And as I watched that heart monitor slow to almost nothing I know I've said this to you before but I wanted to soar to Heaven with him. I wanted to rip my skin off. Odd thing to do but yes, I wanted out of my body. I sucked in air to get enough for my lungs and as I looked at him and frantically to my husband and back, it was like I could feel everything go.in.slow.motion. and I wanted to reverse it all. Stop, stop, stop, wait, it's not time, wait, please stop, I need him, stop. And that was it, he was quietly gone.

That morning early, I tried to get him to take a pacy to see if he'd suck it. A glimmer of hope, something. Look Doctor, see, he wants his pacy, I mean he hasn't eaten in four months, my baby is so hungry but look, he wants his pacy. I wanted to prove it to everyone. No. Not that morning. Not ever again.

And so now. I'm to accept as God has clearly shown me in ten thousand ways that Lucas was not harmed by anyone. Am I somone who rants and raves about suing doctors? And wanting things I cannot have? And being rich or wanting to be rich? This has nothing at all to do with money but every single thing to do with principle. I can't properly verbalize my thoughts right now but it's eeking out slowly. This is nothing compared to what is flying through my head these past days. We got the letter last week. I'm just now telling you about it. I have had to compartmentalize. That takes time and is no easy feat.

My true inner self knows that one day, when it all comes out, I need to be with someone safe and somewhere completely away from my safe home and beautiful boys, my little ones could never see or hear the torment that is inside me. So it shall pass again for now. Until I can. Until later.

My soul is connected to him you know? So it will just stay like that for now. And it just will.

Jenn