The Have's and the Have Not's

Well. I could put myself in the category of the have nots but that would be plain wrong. Let me explain.

Husbands and wives everyday all over the world find out they are expecting. Most of them are very happy, they start planning, and wondering, and reading up, and subconciously they begin to wish. Wish for their children the best things in life. They begin to hope that their little one soon to arrive will be the next budding something or other, best at this, best at that, cutest baby in the world, you get the idea. Hoping and wishing for all the normal things that life brings their way. Most of the time, those things come to some sort of fruition. Then sometimes, sadly, they do not.

Sometimes children are born with birth defects, like Schuyler, or Joseph and no one expects that. There are no books (well yes there are, of course there are, but not really, not really on how to cope with and accept it quickly, to lose no ground, and with all the grace of God (or whomever you believe in) move forward losing no time whatsoever--there are no books like that. No instructions; nothing) on those things. And the parents, well they accept, they love fiercely, and they protect, and they go into hyperdrive without even knowing it. They have so much, they know it, but they have gads more than anyone else. Some of it not so great at times, some of it in high def, better quality than any of us will ever see for millions of reasons. Some of those reasons we can relate with, some are moments we have shared with our own "neurotypical" (lack of better word there) children. But some reasons they have it better we can never understand; they are moments we'll never come close to sharing with our children. They are definitely the have's. They've got so much to be thankful for. The beauty in the two children I have mentioned is boundless. Joseph who I wish with all my heart and soul I would have met by now is the most gorgeous little boy with the cutest little face, sweet round eyes, wavy locks of hair, and I bet five billion dollars I don't have, the sweetest voice in the world. He has overcome obstacles that at first, the doctors said he would not, he is doing things that thanks to Tammy (and Dominic) others in his same boat, same age etc are not doing. His life might not be easy, but really, can you tell me, who's life is easy? No one has an easy life, not one soul on this earth. BUT he will have challenges, different than you and I. The start he has been given in life is exactly what he needed. And he was born to exactly the right parents. Thank goodness.

Schuyler, whom I not only don't know, have never truly one on one corresponded with her father or mother (or her for that matter), but wish all the latter were true, I feel as though I do know a bit of her via reading her fathers' unending words of love and admiration. That little girl is someone I admire from afar. She is as old as the Oldest and she has all the spunk, spitfire, confidence, and beauty that any other eight year old, or older could have. Reading her father, Rob's words tells me that she is without a doubt going to grow up into a strong and loving human being. I'm sure they have more work to do (as do any set of parents raising a child) but I feel their work could potentially be done. The big stuff. The I love you's, the you can do it's, the safe net to fall back on; all of it. She needs that. All kids do.

Having said all that, and meaning it with all my heart, I want to stand on the mountain tops sometimes and scream as loud as I can that I never got that chance. To be that parent to that one child; Lucas. Who was born with a birth defect. I wanted to be that parent; I wanted to. I want to now. Fate took a different turn. I am the mother to two strong boys as you know, they have saved me on many many levels and they drive all that matters to me. But the missing link, Lucas, his fate was already pre determined probably long before he got here. And I tried, we tried, as parents to make that fate different. We stood up to some pretty egotistical doctors along the way, we disagreed out loud, we made them listen, we fought for everything we felt was not fair to him or right. We really tried to save him and if I knew how with my own hands, I suppose I would have. So here we are and there you go. I say all that and know in my heart the comparisons are very different but yet somehow in my brain, they occasionally and momentarily seem the same.

Here's the deal. For all my life, this will be a part of me. Having him and losing him has marked me like a birth mark, never to be erased. Yes, put in a different place where it hurts less and less but always there, waiting to pounce out and say, here I am again. Don't forget these feelings. I dunno. The purpose of this entry? We all are in the Have's category. Even me. Absolutely me. The difference if there is one might be in realizing what we have and giving it our all. Tammy does. Rob does. I do. Can't speak for others in these boats that float through our world, our big bad world. Maybe there isn't even a Have Not category. Maybe that's the mystery of it all. The Mystery of Faith. ---We think when we are having our woe is me moment, we are in the Have Not category and all it takes most times is strength and perspective. You think? Maybe so.

Things that make you go hmmmmm.