The End; Simba Goes to Heaven

April 1993. Simba, our cat was born. I found her with my sister. Went to someone's house who had a "free kitty" sign up in our old town. There were dogs everywhere, cats everywhere and kittens. The free ones. Dogs barking, cats meowing, cats coming up to us, there was an odd odor in the house, probably cat urine in the carpet, who knows. Of all the kittens that were friendly and outgoing, we picked the one kitten that was frightened and scared and ran under the bed. My heart went out to it, look how scared, I can fix that, give it love and make it all better. Notsomuch. All these years later, she stayed a "scaredy cat" and she never really got over the fear of loud noises, change in environment, was never super outgoing and really abhorred children. Imagine my horror when I discovered this with all our boys in the house.... but what could we do? She was already very much a part of our family. She somewhat adapted but never truly, never really. She was an uppity cat, skittish, playful for sure, but liked to be on her own. I guess most cats do, but we didn't get the really frolicky in your face cat when we picked her. We got as my Dad always said, "the nutty one; somethings wrong with her!". Well, it could be that all those loud noises affected her as a cat, add that to her already present skittish personality and I think it really impacted her personality. Can't change stuff like that sometimes. Time dulls the memories (as we all know) but not the core root memory, not that, not ever.

Fourteen years, almost fifteen. Recently, in past few months, she began to show signs of losing weight. Walking so tenderly, with a limp, not eating right, eating enough but not like before. Never did she cry or let us know she was in pain so it was easy for me to turn a blind eye. She was fine; right? Right. Maybe not. I didn't want to do it. I wanted God to do it. I wanted it to just happen naturally. I could see it happening, we both could. But still, she was still getting around, going to the bathroom, eating a little, when she wanted......

This past weekend a couple things happened that said loud and clear, 'it's really time'. I took her this afternoon to the Vet. I stood there and I cried. I cried and couldn't really speak. I bent down to say goodbye (again) and she wouldn't look at me. She wasn't crying. Usually when I take her to the Vet she is. I think she knew. She never cried in the car in her crate. Usually she howls in the crate. She knew. That made me cry more. I cried as I paid for the whole procedure. The woman said she was sorry. As I walked out the door, wiping my eyes in vain, I knew it was the right thing to do. It felt right that I be the one to take her. I didn't bring her into this world obviously but I brought her into our world and so it was only fitting I take her. So final it all felt. But isn't that life? We are born, we live, and we die? Isn't that basically it? I suppose.

My husband went to pick up her body tonight. She will be buried first thing in the morning with the suns' rising. And that is that. She is gone. I think she was really gone a few months ago but I would not admit it. Seemed cruel to let her go. My mistake was thinking that. It was probably crueler to make her hold on. You would think we would have learned from Lucas. More humane to let them go in the end isn't it? Maybe the sad part is, no matter how many times that happens to me in my life, I will probably always feel the same. I think it's love-the tie that binds. If there is love, it takes a realization and a moment to have your eyes opened to the inevitable. It was time.

How the Oldest took it is an entirely different story for another night. If you notice I have not posted in exactly one week. Too much going on and not enough time to devote to the thing that makes my heart sing. Writing. The blood that runs through my veins; writing. I'll get back. When things settle out, I'll get back.

For now, it's a sullen house, not sad, but not happy. I'm not sure if that was strength or sheer stupidity, my taking her in person, not letting someone else do it. Either way, it's done and she is finally at peace. Goodbye sweet kitty. Good night Ping Ping. I don't think we'll ever stop saying your silly nicknames. Go find your bring bring in Heaven. I hope it's a long one.....and put it in your water dish like you always did.

Love you.