Spirituality

I am only human. I have highs and lows just like the best and worst of them. I get angry and then it quickly dissapates. I have been all abuzz lately and mostly it can be attributed to the awful week last week. Other things spawned from there like a wicked little spider web and it just compounded upon itself. Today was better.

The weather was gorgeous; perfect really, blue skies, warm but not too warm, a nice breeze every now and then, what more could you ask for really? What more.

Today, four years ago, was the last day we held Lucas when he was our Lucas. Before he went into the first fated surgery. When he came out, the next four months were hell. And then he died. So this day is one of many where my husband and I just quietly look at each other and know. The words are few now. The lawsuit never came to fruition. Our frustrations never got championed. The biggest fear I had before (the biggest, not the only) was that we would have gotten to a point and realized that we would never get the chance to explore in front of that doctor whether or not he really made a mistake. Well let me take that back, obviously he made a mistake. And not just one, he made several. But I was afraid we'd never get to say that officially. That is what I was afraid of. And it has happened just like I was afraid it would. But what does that mean for the here and now? Nothing. My life hasn't come to an end. It does mean undealt with emotions. Plain and simple. Don't know what to do about that.

So today, we celebrated my MIL's birthday at my SIL's house. As I stood and watched all the boys (my honey, the kids, my BIL etc etc) play football in the backyard it seemed time stood still for a moment. I just watched and they were all smiling and having fun, huddling, whispering, chiding each other, running, playing ball. It was like the universe stood still even though there was motion. I could feel Lucas there. The sun was shining so brightly and the air was perfect as perfect could be. My emotions snuk up on me and I felt the air pulled from my body almost. I just stood and watched and knew. He was there. I softly spoke to him and while the tears fell down my face, I tried to take it all in. Everything I was seeing, sensing, and guessing were coming together. I know he's with us on a normal basis but on days like these, moments usually happen on their own. Without warning and with quiet approach. They just happen. So what did I do? I went inside and purposefully opened and slowly went through the Lucas scrapbook I had given to my SIL. I made a scrapbook long time ago and made copies for our parents and siblings. I went through it. Each page. Each picture. Each caption.

Be proud of me; I only shed a few tears. For what could have been, for what was, and for where I know he is. The latter is a happy emotion. Believe me, it really is. I am thankful he's in Heaven. I'm thankful he's at Peace. I'm thankful that if he can't be with us here on Earth, that he's There.

This is a long and winding road. Hilly at times, not so bumpy anymore, only every now and then, and I look forward to the time and place when the road is just a smooth easy surface. I guess then, I probably won't be here anymore but for my boys the Oldest and the Littlest, for their sake, I hope that isn't for a very long time to come. I have a lot more to give to them and I only pray I'm allowed to stick around and give it.

--For you Lucas, a butterfly kiss. On this day and every day.

Much love. Your Mom.