Conversations to Remember...

If you read here, you know I'm all about routine and structure, especially with the boys. Maybe a bit less so with the Oldest but not by much. Every night you will find me putting down the Littlest. He stands by the gate at the bottom of the stairs and says night night, ready to willingly go to bed around 7 pm. We do the whole routine and at the end it's read a book, turn the lights off, rock for a bit and in the crib he goes. Lately there has been this sweet little addition; conversations. Well, you know, baby conversations. Gotta start somewhere right? Here is how it goes and I'm telling you it melts my heart every time as if it didn't melt it the time before, it matters not how many times we have them, my heart re melts every time.

Me in a whisper: I love you so much.
Him in a whisper: La Loo (his "I love you") with his head on my shoulder
Me in a whisper: You sleep good tonight, ok?
Him in a whisper: OK
Me in a whisper: Night night
Him in a tiny whisper: nigh nigh

Ok ok ok so the pattern clearly shows he's repeating me but please humor me for the moment; these are the first conversations I am having with him. And I'm the only one having them with him, it's part of why they're so special. He's rambling lots of things and I'm grateful to hear them. Grateful he can ramble. Grateful he can say, "ooohh twouble" when the Oldest does something wrong. Grateful he can say, "jack jack poline" (ok this is a huge stretch I know but it means put my jacket on, I wanna go outside on the trampoline). I'm grateful for all of it.

I've been there, been to the brink and back and I am very grateful that this child of mine is growing, thriving, doing well and very happy. It could be so opposite. It could be. I learned a lot of lessons in the past. Don't be greedy and be thankful for what you have. In him, we have so much and then some. The Oldest pulls us together and the Littlest glues us together it's like building a big puzzle knowing that it will never be complete BUT that's getting to be ok because how can I overlook what we have? These little 'conversations' are priceless for me. They never get old and I one day will wish we could have them again. So for now, they are perfectly enough, perfectly perfect. I don't want what I can't have, I mean for a hot second, sure but really I don't. I want what I have and I am determined to get myself to that better place in my life and ensure that they get all of me. Not half of me or some wistful mom who is unable to give all of herself. I can't let that be me. So I won't. Moments come and go and you can't change what you do, how you do it, you just can't. You can't 're do' life. Nope. I can barely some days comprehend why certain things set me off. Some days I cry too much for no clear reason. But most days I am very clear and present in the little moments that swim by us so quickly. I choose that. I choose to live and be positive. More than anything, I choose to cherish the things that most folks don't tune into. That sweet little boy? He's so worth my time. And these my friends, are conversations to remember.

Now lets hope I don't get Alzheimers.....

--J