It is an absolutely gorgeous day today here. I think it's 72 degrees outside. We went to Lucas' little grave and put new flowers for Valentines Day. I'm so glad we have the ceramic picture in the locket on his grave. It still hurts to open it and see his little six month old face looking back with that big smile on it. I said to my husband, while we were there shining his marker up and replacing the flowers and bow, "Sometimes I still get so angry." What he said to me completely told me that he has moved on from the place I seem to be stuck solid. He said, "What good does it do to be angry? The anger will just eat you up inside." Hmm. Really? Seriously? You think I didn't KNOW that? But how do you magically let it go? How does HE do it?
I don't know. Maybe one day, I will have an epiphany, and just 'get' it all. I try. I try so hard.
So I wrapped that pretty ribbon around his vase and made the nice bow and arranged the flowers just so while we all sat there and said our prayers. The Oldest said his was a 'wish-prayer' so he couldn't 'say' his out loud (uh huh) so I made a big deal about how I'm not afraid to pray out loud and bent my head to pray. I said what came to my heart and then as I got choked up, my husband took over. Like a flash, the Oldest was at my side, not babying me, but just physically there. Like a magnet. Fussing over a flower but right there where prior he had been sitting across from me. I noticed the change in him and I smiled. I am lucky. Right? Right.
I see that.
-J
You cook, you clean, you go to work, you nourish, you love, you scold, you are professional and yet you hang your hat on every dust particle in your home. You are a woman. Some women are Moms and some are not. You are still a woman. We are all made similarly. We are strong.
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