On my Heavy Heart Tonight You Are

January 12, 2007 at 11:49 PM EST; Posted on CarePages-Duplicate

When you have a child the hopes and dreams and expectations you have for him are endless, boundless even. When we lost our second son, it took some time to grasp that it had even really happened. Of course, at his funeral we knew. Of course, the first day we went home without him, having traveled home from Philadelphia without him, we knew. When I sobbed so hard the dry wall in the living room might have crumbled where it was and my husband was holding me up and crying with me, we knew. BUT as time has gone on, the realization and the acceptance has grown smoother and softer, like water smoothing and rounding out a perfect little pebble on a quiet beach somewhere. He remains the reason for so much. Lucas is the whole reason we are where we are today. The reason I do what I do and I'm very sure in my heart of hearts, he's the very reason that my husband is such a terrific person, a kinder person. The Oldest still remembers him, and more than anything, MORE THAN ANYTHING, he simply remembers Lucas' essence. He knows innately the importance of remembering him in our daily lives. It's just a part of him. And so that helps make us complete as if the Littlest doesn't do it perfectly himself, the Oldest helping us close that gap helps us realize that this is our family. Our family now. Missing a very important link but bridged as best it can with the only glue we have to offer up; love.

I don't want to say to you, "Imagine losing your child, hold them close and closer, no matter if they are young children or young teenagers, hold them close, know where they are, know who they're with, hold their feet to the fire, give them rules, be nosey, talk to them, and imagine they weren't here." but I WILL say to you, "Imagine losing your child, hold them close and closer, no matter if they are young children or young teenagers, hold them close, know where they are, know who they're with, hold their feet to the fire, give them rules, be nosey, talk to them, and imagine they weren't here." Today is a gift and that isn't just cliche'. Take it from me. It is a gift. Learn from us. There are a thousand lessons I learned from his birth, his journey, his fight and his death. Even the road till now has been filled with much insight. And I try to share it here, not always, but now and again. Sometimes I simply come here because I NEED to in a selfish way. I'm only human, a mamma, just missing her son, knowing he's ok, knowing he's with God, knowing I will see him again, but missing him still.

And life goes on. We hold our heads as high as we can and we live for these boys. As it should be.

--Lucas' Mamma, Jenn