When you are forced to endure things that you don't want to, that whole feeling of absolutely no control, do you think it sears undue stress into you for the rest of your life? I'm not talking about little things you are forced to do, I'm talking about big things. Like if you are raped. Or if you are forced to watch someone you love die in front of you-in a gruesome way or in a way that has been culminating for a long time such as the way my Lucas died.
I don't know. I have said a thousand and one times that I have changed because of that. I know it's true and so do you. So what's new? I'll tell you what's new. Each day still now, each day I discover something new either about how I feel or a memory and what it might mean or even how calm I can be in a would be/could be high stress moment. I feel stress, it's there, a lot it's there but because I'm like a chameleon now and can hide it so well, on the outside, all you see is calm. I can see the baby getting ready to fall and hurt himself and I just stand there. I suppose I have run before to his side and I have, but mostly, I'll just stand there and let it happen. I tell myself, he has to learn. He wants to crawl up on that couch and stand up? I calmly walk over to him and stand there ready for anything but maybe not all the time do I pull him down. Before? Before Lucas? I would be yelling every time, running like a maniac, putting my hand to my mouth in high drama, now that is not so much.
For all the things I think I am, I'm sure my perception is skewed. And sometimes, when I want to scream at God that I'm angry that they don't get to play together; all three of them right now, I just push it out of my mind and carry on with my day. Where can that go? I'll tell you where, it goes into the stress bottle. And now we're full circle. BUT BUT BUT on that note, I guess that's why I write. To release it all. To remember. To document it all in this new age of blogging and all that jazz..and it helps me stay (helps key word helps) mentally ok. If there's a pill to get me all the way there, I'm all ears. :)
Jenn
You cook, you clean, you go to work, you nourish, you love, you scold, you are professional and yet you hang your hat on every dust particle in your home. You are a woman. Some women are Moms and some are not. You are still a woman. We are all made similarly. We are strong.
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