Having a Baby

Women who have had children know what I'm talking about when I say that having a baby can be rough. It goes without saying, but I'll say anyway, that the result is worth it times infinity but the process, the pregnancy, the after part if you have post partum, it can be rough. I think men wouldn't know what to do with it all. Honestly, and I'm not trying to man bash here, but I think they are emotionally inept. I'm just saying, it's not always easy and that's if you have a healthy baby.

I was looking at our 'wall of pictures' while holding the Littlest today and I'm sure you know, there are still several pictures of Lucas up that will never come down. As I stood there, I pointed out his brother to him and tried to get him to say Lucas. He gave it a good shot and said, "oocis" with emphasis on the 'sss' at the end. I just smiled into his face and eyes. So here I am, holding my third true blessing, looking at our second one. Is that odd? I mean, I'm not denying the fact that it's reality but is it odd? Should his pictures be taken down? I can't do that yet; still not yet. I'm just wondering if you think they should be.. I miss him. I talk to him more actively than ever, and I imagine he's right there. I miss him. Despite that, I put on the happy face and tackle every day in front of me. So there you have it.

I imagine I could blame a lot of things on depression or eariler on, right after the Littlest was born, the baby blues (anything this far after I think is not baby blues, he's almost one and a half). I think I'm still on that quest to figure it all out.

I was in a grocery store the other day and as I entered, I saw a posting on the community board at the front of the store (where people give away kittens, advertise garage sales etc) and it was a picture of a couple. They were looking for someone to have a baby for them. They have been married five years and have been told unequivicably that they will never be able to have children. It was this whole letter about how they are good people and just need that one person to help them. Gave their number and how to contact them and everything. I just stood there and stared. One part of me wants to help people like that. I cannot have another child though, I don't think my body can do it. Maybe I'm too selfish. I've often thought that if someone in my family or a very close friend needed something like that, I would do it for them. But a stranger? What's the difference really? If the heart is willing for one, then why not another? But I didn't write their info down, I just slowly walked away. My heart going out to them. To be so desparate and willing to put yourself out there no matter what, all for a child. I don't blame them. I think if we weren't so lucky I would have done the same thing. I swear, I would have done it. So I'm not mocking....it just kind of rocked my world a little bit to have it in my face. Sort of like we all become numb to the day to day of this world, the yukky news, the war in Iraq, and then when something happens that hits close to home, it all becomes oh so real.

I wish them well. I hope for them a happy sweet little bundle of love one day. I really do.

--J