Lucky

I just had a thought. I'm so lucky. I'm being facetious here, a little tongue in cheek if you know what I mean, but I'm so LUCKY I get to be me. I am. I mean now I'm not being sarcastic but I was a second ago.

Me. The wonderful me. The me everyone knows and loves (well some people anyway). The funny, bantering, serious, then silly, too reflective, too rebellious, sardonic me. The big me. The nothing little about me. The me that when my honey says, "You look nice today" I know he means it but in MY head, I hear it like this, "Your hair looks nice, your face looks nice (but nothing else)" I get to be the size I am. I get to. How lucky am I? Very!

I am me, short, sort of round, very full all over, very boisterous, me. I am what I was meant to be. And that's the thing I struggle with. Was I meant to be this way? Is this the best life I can live? I think so but I'm not sure. Society tells me no, I need to be thinner, visually it's more appealing and medically, I'll live longer. I get that, and it makes sense on some level. HOWEVER if I allow myself to really analyze the information (and really, go figure that I would do that!) really who are 'they'? And is it really true that there are plus size 'people' who are just exactly as healthy and in some cases healthier than others who are thinner? Am I letting myself fall into a trap by even allowing my brain to go there? I will tell you that I go through most of days by refusing to look in mirrors. Sometimes I don't really want to see myself and sometimes I think I look great and don't need to see myself; it depends on the day and my mood. I honestly think both things. Not at the same time, but independantly, no bi polarism here thankyouverymuch.

If I can accept me *at least until the next time I deem I need to get off my bummy and do something about it* then can you? Can society? Can my family? Can my friends? I don't know! I do have a lot to offer to this world and would it be such a horrible thing if I was ok with myself the way I was and not just because I'm too lazy to do anything about it but because I (scary thought maybe) really am ok with who I am? I think I'm afraid to let that be known because then others might think something was wrong with me for accepting or settling. But the truth is I'm tired of fighting the war. I'm tired of battling mentally up and down up and down.

This week promises to be extrememly busy at work and too much high energy needed to let this linger on my mind. The oldest's birthday is coming and that brings much to do as well. I need to be organized and on top of all of it. Everything. And tennis lessons start again tomorrow. I do NOT have time to wallow in any of this crap. So, pick up the skirt tails and Vote for Pedro!

I AM lucky. To be alive!

Jenn