Flurries

I am having flurries of thoughts. Emotions. Settled, unsettled, very unsettled. It's hard to talk about. Even my sister had to pull it out of me. I'd rather not discuss it yet it's eating me up. I wish I could be completely totally 100% free to say what I want to, need to, really need to. Some others like Rob for example, he can and does say it all. Worries about not many ramifications. I'm just not in that position.

Can you give up but not really give up? And seriously, where I live it's snowing. They're calling for one foot of it by tonight....a foot of what? Snow? Yeah, it's getting deep in here. The thoughts that are flying through my head and the balance I/we have to keep up to maintain a normal life, happiness for the boys, it's a very intense mixture and it tires you. Sometimes I worry that it's all a show, all a front and one day it will all come tumbling down. Would serve me right. I'm not lying to anyone (well about the snow maybe) its not like that. I think the fact that I can't say it all, means I can't continue on a healthy path of grieving. Same for my husband times ten.

And today....the winds will be at 20-30 mph with gusts up to 40 at times. Hold on to your hats ladies and gentlemen, it's going to be a bumpy ride. This, I can promise, and it's coming like a freight train.

(on another note, I'll be looking into the rescue cat farm for our cat, that is weighing heavily on my mind too and I'm feeling lots of guilt about it. stay tuned for that outcome. I myself am not even sure how it will play out. I've been avoiding the topic in my mind but knowing I can't avoid it for long.----)

signing off for now and looking for better days ahead...

Jenn
A Mom, A Wife, and a Writer. That is me.