Peace

The oldest and I took some time this morning and went to the cemetary. I promise, this will not be a downer post. Just insightful maybe. I brought a yard stake that has the word PEACE in iron on the top with a white butterfly sodered to it. We placed it in the perfect spot and we opened his large oval locket picture and cleaned off his marker. Sweet baby. The oldest bent down and lowered his head, putting his hands together to say a quiet prayer. Again; another moment of pride for me. I quietly shed my tears above him and said my own prayers. He asked me as we were on our way back to the car, "Mom do you remember when you told me Lucas died?" "Yes" I said. "The next thing I said is, ok can we go get lunch now?" he said. And yes that is true. That is what he said when we told him his brother died. But he was only three. I didn't expect any profound show of emotions or words. He now can look back and realize on his own, completely unprompted by me, that seemed not the right thing to say at that moment. I thought it was the perfect thing to say. Perfect for a toddler. We looked at each other and panicked for a moment, did he not hear us? He did. He couldn't wrap his mind around it. We went off to lunch. What else could we do?

Peace. I said to my friend today, is it my own peace? Is it peace for Lucas? What does that stake signify? He was at peace the moment he went to Heaven. Now it's time for me to find that same peace. Almost three years later, after his death, I need to find it.

In small ways it comes to me. I let it. I vent to those who can withstand hearing what is on my heart and even then, I know they tire of it.

One day, I will really convey all that happened with Lucas to the oldest. He knows a little. But not everything. Right now, he gets appropriately sad. It's good to let it out. We let him. He is wise for a six year old. And it's so funny isn't it? That in his years of being on this Earth, I have aged and gained such wisdom that is far older than those same years. I used to be SO carefree. SO silly. So laid back, sarcastic, fun, let loose, and open minded. My mind is closed to some extent. I know what I know. I feel what I feel. I think what I think. It's pretty hard and fast now.

I look around and see things and form instant opinions. It takes a lot for me to sway it a little. My love for my two boys is now exponential to what I even could fathom back then. This family of four is THE most important thing to me; ever. Ever. More than before. And before it was pretty important.

So let the peace come. I will attempt to open my mind, let go of some of the guilt that I know I should not feel but inevitably do. I will pray for the peace. I know it will help. I am just to give in to it; no? I'm told it's easy. .........I'm sure it is. No sarcasim intended. My mind will just have to open lines of communication to my heart for it's my heart that inexplicably holds me back. Wants me to never let him go. The mystery is being ok with letting him go but never letting him go.

Peace.