Adventures...

Being a parent is like saying goodbye to the same child over and over again. They keep changing right before your eyes. Who they change into helps to ease into the transition and moments you want to savor you try to cling to for as long as they’ll let you and that is key….for as long as they’ll let you. The new things they teach you, the new things you discover they are and can be help us not fret too long about how little they were, how sweet and innocent they were, or how the aforementioned intangible baby smell is gone forever…..

Maybe all the could be’s and would be’s are part of what gets me all hung up on having lost Lucas. This morning, Phil Collins was singing songs from the Tarzan play on the Today show. Of course, the very first song he sang was You’ll Be in My Heart. What you probably don’t know is that 2 days after Lucas passed away, we video’d the oldest singing that very song word for word (at the age of newly four by five weeks or so) to his brother. Have you ever heard it?

Come stop your crying-It will be all right-Just take my hand hold it tight -I will protect you from all around you-I will be here Don't you cry -For one so small,you seem so strong-My arms will hold you,keep you safe and warm-This bond between us Can't be broken-I will be here Don't you cry- 'Cause you'll be in my heart -Yes, you'll be in my heart -From this day on-Now and forever more --You'll be in my heart -No matter what they say -You'll be here in my heart, always ……….
When destiny calls you-You must be strong-I may not be with you-But you've got to hold on-They'll see in timeI know-We'll show them together -'Cause you'll be in my heart-Yes, you'll be in my heart-From this day on, Now and forever more Oh, you'll be in my heart No matter what they say You'll be in my heart, always Always


Yeah he sang it and we got it on tape. We actually included it on the dvd we had made to honor Lucas. Our very close friends John and Grace were there that night. I remember looking at Grace sitting sadly on the couch, she was crying silent tears. John was silent. None of us knew what to say. None of us could fathom it; that he was gone. It was a moment in time. One of those frozen moments in time I will never forget. I was so proud of the oldest for being so brave to sing that for his brother. He had just learned to read but he sang that song from memory. He loved (and still does) Tarzan. I was so proud of his brother for fighting so damn hard to live. I was proud of them both. So proud.

Do you see? Do you see how my conscious stream starts with one thing and it always always always comes back to Lucas? I feel that I cannot let him go. I think it gets better and it comes in waves up and down. I am a hidden tucked away insane person. A good friend told me the other day that I am like her, always finding ways to torture myself. Why can’t I let it go? Well of course, I’ll never let his memory go but you know what I mean. The guilt. The constant beating up of myself. I am so bruised. It hurts.

Is it twisted that having the littlest and having gotten to cherish the oldest for all that we have been through makes me hold so much more tightly the memory of their brother? This is why I’m so caught up in doing the best I can. It has all come from one thing and blossomed into so much more.

Today we were in the car and oh my I got an earful on this and that and the musings of my child….I do so watch him in a kind of standoffish amazement. Sometimes I really have to hold in the absolute gut wrenching laugh out LOUD laughs I have in me….he would NEVER take me seriously if he got that reaction out of me. Didn’t I KNOW? His favorite music is Latin (HUH?) and punk (HUH?) and hip hop (HUH?) and country (thank God) and jazz (EH?) and MOM you don’t actually think I only like ballerina music do you?? Wait a second I say, what IS ballerina music, do I make you LISTEN to ballerina music, and where have you ever HEARD ballerina music? He’s looking at me incredulously and just rolls his eyes. I’m SO uncool. I go back to ‘what IS ballerina music’ ??? Then “Unwritten” comes on and we both are just driving down the road belting it out together. He loves when we sing together. So do I. So do I. We bond. He and I have a relationship like no other. It really is the best. Today is really what got me to thinking about how children change and you never get to see what they were ever again. It’s a constant growth, moving forward and turning into a new person, you have to theoretically say goodbye to what once was. Keep your eyes open though because the new person is still there, right there, staring at you, waiting for new affirmation from you.

What once was old is now new. Ever changing, ever moving. If you don’t let your child take you on an adventure you will never go anywhere. At the lawn and garden shop today, out back before the raging rains came (literally) there were all these paths, flowers and plants and trees everywhere. He thought this was the most exciting thing ever. So many choices! Mom follow me. Mom come over here. Mom look at these awesome flowers. Mom mom mom! Over here. Mom take my hand lets go. And you know what? I just let him. I just followed him everywhere. Because you know what? I had a plan, I had an objective. We did not go there just so we could walk their hundreds of paths for fun (imagine that). I put my wants of finding a good ground cover plant that is perennial to the side….I would now do that later. Seeing his excitement at investigating and exploring was so much better. I went on his adventure and I had the best time.

This is life. This is the adventure. It’s worth the trials and tribulations. It’s worth the stress and go go go of the days. It just is.

Jenn